For me, there's no better time during the year that is more reminiscent than this fall-like weather. It brings me back to my childhood in the blink of an eye as I prepare for my kids' Halloween costumes, attend their fall activities and exchange the seasonal clothes. My mom always made the holidays so special, but fall reminds me of smell of the lingering smoke from fireplaces or firepits as we walked down the street, eating chili for supper, searching for the latest Halloween costumes, preparing caramel apples, feeling the crunch of fallen leaves beneath my feet and jumping in huge piles of leaves, wearing sweatshirts, smelling the crisp air and last but not least......homework!
My kids have settled into their school routines, and we are again blessed with great teachers all around. My prayer each school year is to have teachers who understand my children and teach accordingly. They all seem to care or at least show they care by their emails and positive comments. This was Chrissy's favorite time of year, too, as her kids settled in and she could enjoy all the tasty foods, especially more around Thanksgiving. Even though you might not indulge in the same foods as her; you wanted to taste them as she gave them a new level of scrumptiousness! An abundance of food to her meant our family gathering together, not only to eat, but to share those infamous stories year after year. Being the youngest, I think she treasured those stories more than the rest of us because she missed so much of mom and dad's time. She so loved the Halloween season, decorating and scaring her kids with the latest Halloween gadgets. Yes, we Meyers are a sick lot of people as we love to scare the pants off of our next generation. We used to scare each other all the time as kids until we laughed our a**** off. The other day I did something to scare Eric, and he looked at me with such disgust, but he still had a smile. I told him it's part of the initiation process into this family. You either join us or NOT. It's up to you!??
This time of season brings me joy, remembering all the good things life has given me, especially the memories. While at times those memories can be bittersweet, thinking of what is lost; I try to remember the blessings in what was, the joy of living life now. In grief, the joy can take a back seat so I treasure what was and what is. I don't think too much of what will be because you never know. None of us knows the plan, but we savor the memories and live for now. Anything more can bring pain, and all we have is right now. As my dear friend Kathy says, "All we have is today....this moment." For today I enjoy the fall and all it has to share with me. I love the fall!!
Monday, September 19, 2011
Friday, September 2, 2011
Like a Punch in the Gut But Then I Hear a Tap, Tap, Tap
Like a punch in the gut, you never know it's coming and so the feelings of grief sneak upon you. You never know why at that moment, what provokes it or where it's going to happen or when that gutteral pain is going to reach up to the top of your throat. It almost seems like this invisible strangle has taken hold of your heart. Its claws grasp your most inner soul and the pain is felt like you can't catch your next breath. I remember when she told me it had metastisized to the liver, and I screamed out....I literally screamed out after I hung up the phone. I'm quite sure I frightened my little Faith as she stood at my locked bedroom door asking, "Mommy, mommy what's wrong??"
In these hustle and bustle days with my kids, the commencement of the school season with its homework, the deadlines, the school activities, sometimes the drama. I am stepping out and meeting new faces for the first time in almost 3 years. Yes, I say 3 years because I didn't want to talk with anyone about anything other than the journey of my sister and our family. How dare someone talk of trivial home purchases or mini dramas in their life. My sister was fighting for her life, and from that time up to now, more important aspects of life and living have taken presidence. I still can't relate to those who are consumed with the material, the busyness, the nonesense of everyday life. I have found a new tool in my life to deal with comments that seem "stupid". I don't like that word, but until I find a better word, that's what I'll use for now. I "meditate" and am discovering peace that's always been there inside....it's been given, but somehow in the turmoil that changed our lives so drastically, I lost it. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I have my "go tos" when I am angry or upset. You know who your are! Then I realize that God has given me the peace I need....it's there......and serenity is there to fill me up. I retreat to this quiet a few times a day, and it helps me deal with the craziness of others. Sometimes I feel like I can't find the time to retreat as I hear whispers of little ones or knocks on my bedroom door, but I make it happen. I realize now, if I don't make the time for me, eventually I will become weak and tired. Then I'm no good to anyone.
For some reason, lately I've been feeling that punch in the gut. It hit me out of the blue last night. Perhaps it's living the new school year, and wishing my sister was here for her kids as they face those new experiences, the new friends, the activities, their teachers, the growing pains of life. I remember the month of August during my school age years, feeling the anticipation of new classes, new friends and my mom seemed so happy.....hmmmm......so happy? I remember her chanting the school song, "School days, school days, reading and writing and rule days....." Could it be she had had her fill of us five kids in and out of her house all summer long? Now as a mother, I understand completely. But the pangs of grief have been more intense lately. Is it the newness of me meeting new people? That's never been comfortable for me: meeting new faces, learning new routines. Is it living new experiences, now actually conversing with mere strangers? I'm so wanting to share these feelings with my sissy. Perhaps everything's changing now, and it stirs up all sorts of emotions. I don't know? Then something's been happening...........the tap, tap, tapping on my pillow at strange times during the night.
A few weeks ago, I awakened sometime in the night hearing a tapping on my pillow. If either Marty or me happens to be snoring (not often with either one of us but mostly happens when we're over tired), we'll nudge or tap the other one to STOP IT! So when I awoke, I said, "Oh, was I snoring??" Marty then woke up and said, "What, what are you talking about? I didn't wake you!" I know what I know, and I felt the tapping. As I lay there, all I was thinking was.......was that HER? It could have been her, but why? Then it happened again at 4:30 in the morning one day and another tapping a couple of nights ago. I mentioned it to Marty again, and I think he thinks I'm going crazy. But for those of you who have dear ones who have passed, you know what I'm talking about. Those signs happen, and maybe.....just maybe she reaching out to me. Like a punch in the gut, it hits me that she's gone from this living life, and that's so difficult. I can't even begin to share all my thoughts about that. She isn't living this life here with me like I want, but perhaps she's tapping on my pillow, waking me up, telling me that she is living and I need to be living here. I've been so afraid of living here without her that she feels the need to keep tapping until I pay attention. Could that be? Although I've been feeling the punch in the gut; I long to feel the tapping, the tapping to tell me she's here.
In these hustle and bustle days with my kids, the commencement of the school season with its homework, the deadlines, the school activities, sometimes the drama. I am stepping out and meeting new faces for the first time in almost 3 years. Yes, I say 3 years because I didn't want to talk with anyone about anything other than the journey of my sister and our family. How dare someone talk of trivial home purchases or mini dramas in their life. My sister was fighting for her life, and from that time up to now, more important aspects of life and living have taken presidence. I still can't relate to those who are consumed with the material, the busyness, the nonesense of everyday life. I have found a new tool in my life to deal with comments that seem "stupid". I don't like that word, but until I find a better word, that's what I'll use for now. I "meditate" and am discovering peace that's always been there inside....it's been given, but somehow in the turmoil that changed our lives so drastically, I lost it. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I have my "go tos" when I am angry or upset. You know who your are! Then I realize that God has given me the peace I need....it's there......and serenity is there to fill me up. I retreat to this quiet a few times a day, and it helps me deal with the craziness of others. Sometimes I feel like I can't find the time to retreat as I hear whispers of little ones or knocks on my bedroom door, but I make it happen. I realize now, if I don't make the time for me, eventually I will become weak and tired. Then I'm no good to anyone.
For some reason, lately I've been feeling that punch in the gut. It hit me out of the blue last night. Perhaps it's living the new school year, and wishing my sister was here for her kids as they face those new experiences, the new friends, the activities, their teachers, the growing pains of life. I remember the month of August during my school age years, feeling the anticipation of new classes, new friends and my mom seemed so happy.....hmmmm......so happy? I remember her chanting the school song, "School days, school days, reading and writing and rule days....." Could it be she had had her fill of us five kids in and out of her house all summer long? Now as a mother, I understand completely. But the pangs of grief have been more intense lately. Is it the newness of me meeting new people? That's never been comfortable for me: meeting new faces, learning new routines. Is it living new experiences, now actually conversing with mere strangers? I'm so wanting to share these feelings with my sissy. Perhaps everything's changing now, and it stirs up all sorts of emotions. I don't know? Then something's been happening...........the tap, tap, tapping on my pillow at strange times during the night.
A few weeks ago, I awakened sometime in the night hearing a tapping on my pillow. If either Marty or me happens to be snoring (not often with either one of us but mostly happens when we're over tired), we'll nudge or tap the other one to STOP IT! So when I awoke, I said, "Oh, was I snoring??" Marty then woke up and said, "What, what are you talking about? I didn't wake you!" I know what I know, and I felt the tapping. As I lay there, all I was thinking was.......was that HER? It could have been her, but why? Then it happened again at 4:30 in the morning one day and another tapping a couple of nights ago. I mentioned it to Marty again, and I think he thinks I'm going crazy. But for those of you who have dear ones who have passed, you know what I'm talking about. Those signs happen, and maybe.....just maybe she reaching out to me. Like a punch in the gut, it hits me that she's gone from this living life, and that's so difficult. I can't even begin to share all my thoughts about that. She isn't living this life here with me like I want, but perhaps she's tapping on my pillow, waking me up, telling me that she is living and I need to be living here. I've been so afraid of living here without her that she feels the need to keep tapping until I pay attention. Could that be? Although I've been feeling the punch in the gut; I long to feel the tapping, the tapping to tell me she's here.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)