At the end of this day of the anniversary of my sister's passing, the phrase: "Family is first, last and always" resounds in my head recalling mom's words in the note that she left for us kids after her passing. This phrase I take to heart and perhaps angels continue to remind me of those words when I feel our family is not what it used to be. Looking at me in the sibling chain, the fourth child of five, she saw me as the peace keeper, the one who would keep this family together. There I was at the age of 22, once a naive little girl, then after her passing feeling as though a vice had just taken hold of my soul, and with each beat of my heart the vice grew tighter. Barbie was given this responsibility, or so I felt in her last words to me, to us. How on earth was I going to fulfill that task??? It seemed a daunting task, but I tried and do try to uphold what she wanted me to do in this family. I'll never forget that day when my sister, Deni, gathered us in the livingroom of my mom's house, the home where I still lived at that time, and those words were read by my brother. All of us wondering what our next move would be, still in shock from the events that had just transpired. Where would this journey take us now? Why did this have to happen? Who would be present and who would not? Over the years time would tell, and I took those last words from my mother to the deepest part of my soul knowing that I would try my best to fulfill her wishes.
She shared her thoughts about each one of us and what gifts and responsibilities we were given, she encouraged us to carry on and told us how much we were loved. In life there are words that we don't want to hear, but if they're spoken by our loved ones, we never forget them. We all recognized our mom's love for holding our family above all after God. She always instilled that in us, and each of us has our own interpretation of that I suppose. We felt the expectations to be at all family gatherings near and far, and working a job wasn't an excuse. You better try to rearrange your schedule because family is always first. Lately, that appointed task has been more challenging to uphold during these holidays, and I find myself tired. I find that being with Marty, the kids and myself are all I want to do. But if I don't uphold what my mother spoke, what will happen? It is a journey isn't it? Should I act like much of the world and put me first, but then what would happen? Look at what's happening in our society today because of that attitude.
Today marks my 100th entry onto this website that I began writing two years ago in March of 2010. Most days my sister's death feels like yesterday; yet, sometimes when I try to recall her face or a time we spent together, it feels like decades ago. Most of my entries have been shared while others were drafted for only my heart to feel at the time it was written. Written words can be a relief for the grieving soul, but the depth of the grief can be cold and misunderstood, so I kept those comments to myself. I don't want people to feel that sort of pain, the deep unconsoling grief, but to understand where I am you would have to experience the loss of a loved one. So it's a "catch 22" in the world where I live. I want you to understand me, but you can't unless you lived my life and experienced the losses I have. There are days where I feel the joy of a good time, the friendly thoughtful gesture by a friend or neighbor or the taste of a good meal, and I smile thinking of Chrissy. Other days, the tears don't stop and I ask myself, "What the hell happened? How did this all happen?" It's a part of life, I know, but it seems an aging person isn't present in my family. My Aunt Nancy is the oldest on my mom's side of the family, and to other families, that age would still be young. I wonder who will be next. Isn't that morbid? I suppose it is, but I wonder.
The modern family has taken some hard hits, and divorce is rapid worldwide. Why is that? Is there not enough emphasis on the family? Is it all about ME and what I want. Kudos to those of you who put your family first. I was instilled in my upbringing to give everything for your family, and I believe in these years without my parents, I have. Now, with Chrissy not here in this life, I find it more difficult. Perhaps we're all trying to understand the new because the old is gone. As our family experiences transition into new ways, new traditions, new friendships I take a deep breath and hope for the best because it isn't easy. The road to recovery, if you will, is a choice and takes so much work. Sometimes I don't feel like chatting with a friend or family member and other days I wonder where you've all went? Then the words of my mother give me strength and the sacrifice Jesus Christ made for me, for us, gives me pause, and I must resolve to doing what I was meant to do. If that means creating the family we were supposed to be, then I will do it.
On this day I honor my sister in so many personal adventures, one was visiting "Our Lady of the Snows." It brought me peace and hope that some day we will all be together. For now, I will instill in my own kids how important they are to each other, and how important their extended family is in building their own personal relationships. I joke with my oldest son to be nice to his little sister because someday she will be the one changing his diapers. He looks at me strangely and tells me to stop saying that, but in all the joking, there's some seriousness to my comment. I thought of the things that brought my sister joy today and then I smiled. I heard the sermon today by our priest and the subject was Joy. How appropriate was that on this bittersweet day upon reflecting not only on my sister's death but thinking of her in her new life. Our family has been brought to a place that none of us thought we would be and I chant those infamous words that mom passed on to me......"Family is first, last and always........to the end.
