I'm Scared

Growing up in the Meyer household, you had to develop a tough skin if you wanted to survive the scary moments, or should I say, "Scare you times when mom and dad leave the house".  As far back as I can remember, my older brother and sisters liked to scare each other.  It must have started with Deni and Susie since they were the oldest, and then it trickled down to Curt, who then scared me and then me to Chrissy.  You see how the hierarchy works here, right?   We had a trundle bed in one of our bedrooms that heard many a screams.  One of the scary game plans was to hide underneath the trundle bed way before the "victim" went off to bed.  Sometimes the method of attack was to create the illusion of a person already asleep in the opposing bed; thinking your protective sibling was fast asleep in the other bed.  It was only minutes after laying in the bed when you heard the voice.....the voice that whispered your name.  At first, you thought it was your imagination.  As the voice grew louder and louder; you then KNEW it was real, but who could it be?  You then nonchalantly said, "Okay, I know it's you......"  To further complicate matters, if mom and dad were home, you couldn't scream out because then you would get everyone in trouble for waking up dad.  Of course, you wanted to be a team player; not the informer.  You can only imagine the outcome of this scary feature, and it was played out over and over again in our house.  You would think that after a few times, it wouldn't be scary, but with that whispering voice.....one only grew more afraid.   There were even more pleasant occurences, as soon as mom and dad would step out the front door.  The "babysitter" would proceed to turn off all the lights in the house one by one.  It was a speed match, to see who could reach each light first.  If you were lucky, you could adjust the basement light switch in the middle so that it would stay on and it could not be turned off.  While the other person was upstairs trying to turn it off at the same time, you were trying to turn it on.  If you were too slow, then all bets were off, and you were screwed.   Suddenly,  you were in complete darkness with only a few shadows that illuminated on the walls.  You were headed for the fright of your life.  Your only hope for survival was to hide so that they couldn't find you.  Their method of madness was to have you slowly walk through the house; hence, the screaming and eery voices would commence.
Now you all understand why I have become this distrusting person.   I found myself scaring Chrissy when she was old enough.  Around every corner, whomever was the scare boss,  would laugh so hard when the other would jump out of their skin. 
There were other frightening moments that weren't so funny.  Those moments that are locked in my mind's eye.  The day we knew Chrissy was diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast Cancer that had metastisized to her liver in January of 2009.  We were all scared, especially her.  Up to that point, she had gone through her treatments and kept all of her fears hidden; hidden from all of us except Frank.  Frank would pull her through those scary moments as I learned along the way.  I suppose it was that tough Meyer skin that she had learned to exhibit.  Some days I would go through the motions with a profound strength, and I know I was guided by the Holy Spirit or a Higher Power, whichever you can relate.  I continued to watch her endure her daily chemo treatments and disappointments.  There were some positive moments, and we all tried to keep it as light as possible.  We also tried to keep it real for her.....whatever she needed that day to get through.  And many days, she helped me get through the emotions of it all.   Some days, I would crash, and wonder if everyone else knew how much she endured with this cancer journey.    Do people who never experience this cancer journey truly understand the enormity of it all?  While real life was happening for those on the outside; all I could do was hope for a miracle.  Daily, sometimes every minute, whispering and pleading with God for a miracle.....my miracle.   My hope, my miracle didn't come to fruition, but I soon learned and am learning other miracles that are taking place. Other miracles that are grander than my ideals, and some that I don't even know.  Would I rather have her here, right here in the flesh?  Without a doubt, my number one wish would be that none of this would have happened, and that she was here in the flesh.....with me and with her family.
Was Chrissy scared?  Yes, she was.  One day she said to me, "I'll be honest with you, I'm really scared."  
"I'm scared, too,"  as tears welled in my eyes,  "But we are going to get through this together.  I can't feel your pain or know how you feel because it's not happening to me, but we are going to be with you every step of the way, and take it a day at a time."

And that she did my friends.  As many cancer patients do, they have fears but also hope and perseverance.  She had a strong will to live, and that will was to live for her children.  I prayed to God during those days.  Praying for strength for me, for my family and for healing powers to go through her body.  More importantly, I prayed for understanding and acceptance. 
Let me be clear when I say that ours is not the only suffering.  There are many obstacles and tragedies that people are dealing with everyday.  I don't claim to have the only suffering in this vast world, but our story is ours and it is and was real.  Sometimes too real.  My hope is that in some way, you understand and know so that you might gain a greater understanding of what you might do or say in your own lives.  Keeping it real; having no regrets. 

"They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it.  Death is but crossing the world, as friends do the seas; they live in one another still"
                                            -William Penn

My Sister, My Friend

Sisterhood is such a unique bond.  Whether you are a sister friend or a sister by blood; it is a gift to most, and it just keeps on giving.  Recently, my Aunt Nancy gave me a necklace called, My Sister My Friend, because of it's special artistic shape.  It has no beginning and no end......it goes on and on.  That's how I look at my relationship with Chrissy along with my other sisters.  Oceans, mountains, distance, death and new life can not break the bond that we started such a long time ago.  It is forever changing as I have learned throughout my life. 

My relationship with Chrissy wasn't always a smooth one, but as I came to learn as we got older, she wanted to be me and I wanted to be her.  I am four years older than my little sissy, and for four years I was living "high on the hog" (got it right this time Frank) because for those four years I was the baby of the family and pretty much got what I needed.  People carried me around and took me to fun places.  Who would complain?  Then came that moment when mom's stomache started to peak, and I had all sorts of questions.  I was rooting for a baby brother because that would still mean that I was the baby girl of the family.  Needless to say, Chrissy was a girl. 

I was asked for some input on the name of this new baby girl.  I guess it was mom's way to include me in on the action of a new baby and family member.  In 1968, "Bewitched" was my favorite program, and naturally Tabitha was my favorite name.  Who could dislike such a perfect name?  I had the name in the bag, or so I thought.  When I mentioned this to mom, she sort of paused, and then ever so sweetly mentioned her choice of names and out came "Christine".  Then I paused.....hmmm.....wasn't vibin' with me, but who I am, right?  The kid who wasn't going to be the baby anymore.   Then they brought her home, and I was hooked.  This dark-skinned baby with loads of dark hair was all mine, or so I thought. 

There were times we laughed so hard; we fell over.  Just like sisters do.  Other times, I wanted to rip her hair out for wearing my shirt or acting like a spoiled brat.  Just like sisters do.  Then as we grew, and we met our husbands, we understood.  She, being the baby of the family wanted to be large and incharge like me, or so she thought.  I, wanted to be her, the little sister who seemed to be so carefree, loved by everyone and so cute.  As we grew into adult sisters we both realized how much we loved and depended on each other. 

When my kids were sick, I called her to confirm my treatments and vice versa.  When Marty would do something that was outrageous or he made me mad, I would call her.  When I doubted my own abilities, she was the one who would boost me up.  Some days I would call her when I was down, and even before speaking, she would say, "What's wrong?"  She just knew, and that my friends is what a sister friend is.

I miss my sister friend the way I used to know her, but I am learning and hoping to know her more in the spiritual sense.  As I see miracles happen because of her life and death; I'm learning new meaning in life. Learning to "Let Go And Let God" because some things just ARE......you can't change them.  One could spend an entire lifetime trying to control it all or question it all, and sometimes I go there, but there isn't always answers.  The only answer I know is that I had a gem in my little sister.  So for my older sisters, Deni and Sue, we'll get through this awkwardness and sick feeling.  We learned to get through mom and dad's passing....so this, too, we shall learn to move forward.

My sister, my friend, I love you dearly and forever will.

My Inspiration

Little did I know that a kid born in the 60's would have her own web page, but here I am, kicking and screaming, but I know it's the way of the world if I want my soul to learn and grow.  If I am to begin a new life, living without my sister's physical presence then I suppose all doors are possible.  My inspiration to write and keep it real, not only comes from my upbringing, but from the recent death of my sister.  She was only 41-years old, leaving behind  two beautiful children, Frankie and Maria, and departing from her wonderful husband, Frank.  She passed on to her new life on December 11th of 2009.  Yes, I say NEW LIFE, because even though I miss her terribly, I know she is there.  She is yet another woman who lived and suffered through the wrath of breast cancer, but I don't believe she let it trample her spirit.  As I move from the Caring Bridge Site that we began back on August of 2007, describing her journey with breast cancer; I want to document her life more in detail, what she meant for me, sharing her journey and our growth as sisters, especially during this time we call "grief."  I'm not sure where this will lead, but there is so much to be said about our family.  Many stories of kids growing up in the Meyer household, as well as stories of my dear Chrissy, whom I hope will strike a chord with you, and perhaps remind you of someone in your family.  Maybe you are dealing with a terminal illness or possibly someone very close to you who is ill or dying.  My hope is to shed some light, some truth, some experiences that will be a driving force for you to become the person that you are meant to be.  It's indescribable at times, the intense pain of having someone so close......just be gone.....be gone in body, but not spirit.  As I go forward with this blog or website, whatever the verbage, I hope you'll be able to see a "soul on a journey."  Trust me when I say, I am a work in progress. 

My faith in a Higher Power also inspires me to write and share my growth as I go along on this trip.  A trip that I hope to learn more, read more and grow in knowledge.  I'm not a savvy one on this internet/cyberspace stuff (as I sit here consulting my Webster's Dictionary), but I hope my words will inspire.  My purpose is to also find what it is that God wants me to do in this world.  I am a mother of three:  Eric, Luke and Faith and I am married to my best friend, Marty, who continues to keep it real for me.  He is the spark that keeps my fire alive, and I am forever grateful for his support and his constant love through everything.  Right there alone is my purpose as a wife and mother, but I think there's more, so much more for me.  So if you wish, come along and travel the road with me.  I know Chrissy is traveling with me, and I can't wait to share more with you about her beautiful spirit....the little sister who taught me so much.  She was a fighter until the very end of her earthly life, and I know she's fighting for us here on earth.....I feel her presence but I'm always searching for more.  Walk with me, if you will, and we'll find the way.   By the way, that's me on the left and my beautiful sissy on the right in February of 2009.