I'm Scared

Growing up in the Meyer household, you had to develop a tough skin if you wanted to survive the scary moments, or should I say, "Scare you times when mom and dad leave the house".  As far back as I can remember, my older brother and sisters liked to scare each other.  It must have started with Deni and Susie since they were the oldest, and then it trickled down to Curt, who then scared me and then me to Chrissy.  You see how the hierarchy works here, right?   We had a trundle bed in one of our bedrooms that heard many a screams.  One of the scary game plans was to hide underneath the trundle bed way before the "victim" went off to bed.  Sometimes the method of attack was to create the illusion of a person already asleep in the opposing bed; thinking your protective sibling was fast asleep in the other bed.  It was only minutes after laying in the bed when you heard the voice.....the voice that whispered your name.  At first, you thought it was your imagination.  As the voice grew louder and louder; you then KNEW it was real, but who could it be?  You then nonchalantly said, "Okay, I know it's you......"  To further complicate matters, if mom and dad were home, you couldn't scream out because then you would get everyone in trouble for waking up dad.  Of course, you wanted to be a team player; not the informer.  You can only imagine the outcome of this scary feature, and it was played out over and over again in our house.  You would think that after a few times, it wouldn't be scary, but with that whispering voice.....one only grew more afraid.   There were even more pleasant occurences, as soon as mom and dad would step out the front door.  The "babysitter" would proceed to turn off all the lights in the house one by one.  It was a speed match, to see who could reach each light first.  If you were lucky, you could adjust the basement light switch in the middle so that it would stay on and it could not be turned off.  While the other person was upstairs trying to turn it off at the same time, you were trying to turn it on.  If you were too slow, then all bets were off, and you were screwed.   Suddenly,  you were in complete darkness with only a few shadows that illuminated on the walls.  You were headed for the fright of your life.  Your only hope for survival was to hide so that they couldn't find you.  Their method of madness was to have you slowly walk through the house; hence, the screaming and eery voices would commence.
Now you all understand why I have become this distrusting person.   I found myself scaring Chrissy when she was old enough.  Around every corner, whomever was the scare boss,  would laugh so hard when the other would jump out of their skin. 
There were other frightening moments that weren't so funny.  Those moments that are locked in my mind's eye.  The day we knew Chrissy was diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast Cancer that had metastisized to her liver in January of 2009.  We were all scared, especially her.  Up to that point, she had gone through her treatments and kept all of her fears hidden; hidden from all of us except Frank.  Frank would pull her through those scary moments as I learned along the way.  I suppose it was that tough Meyer skin that she had learned to exhibit.  Some days I would go through the motions with a profound strength, and I know I was guided by the Holy Spirit or a Higher Power, whichever you can relate.  I continued to watch her endure her daily chemo treatments and disappointments.  There were some positive moments, and we all tried to keep it as light as possible.  We also tried to keep it real for her.....whatever she needed that day to get through.  And many days, she helped me get through the emotions of it all.   Some days, I would crash, and wonder if everyone else knew how much she endured with this cancer journey.    Do people who never experience this cancer journey truly understand the enormity of it all?  While real life was happening for those on the outside; all I could do was hope for a miracle.  Daily, sometimes every minute, whispering and pleading with God for a miracle.....my miracle.   My hope, my miracle didn't come to fruition, but I soon learned and am learning other miracles that are taking place. Other miracles that are grander than my ideals, and some that I don't even know.  Would I rather have her here, right here in the flesh?  Without a doubt, my number one wish would be that none of this would have happened, and that she was here in the flesh.....with me and with her family.
Was Chrissy scared?  Yes, she was.  One day she said to me, "I'll be honest with you, I'm really scared."  
"I'm scared, too,"  as tears welled in my eyes,  "But we are going to get through this together.  I can't feel your pain or know how you feel because it's not happening to me, but we are going to be with you every step of the way, and take it a day at a time."

And that she did my friends.  As many cancer patients do, they have fears but also hope and perseverance.  She had a strong will to live, and that will was to live for her children.  I prayed to God during those days.  Praying for strength for me, for my family and for healing powers to go through her body.  More importantly, I prayed for understanding and acceptance. 
Let me be clear when I say that ours is not the only suffering.  There are many obstacles and tragedies that people are dealing with everyday.  I don't claim to have the only suffering in this vast world, but our story is ours and it is and was real.  Sometimes too real.  My hope is that in some way, you understand and know so that you might gain a greater understanding of what you might do or say in your own lives.  Keeping it real; having no regrets. 

"They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it.  Death is but crossing the world, as friends do the seas; they live in one another still"
                                            -William Penn