My eldest son, Eric, turned 14 years old on Sunday! I can hardly believe where all the years have gone. It seems like yesterday when I spent 20 hours of labor waiting for him to come out, only to see him enter this world looking wide-eyed around the hospital room. His tears faded away to the sound of my voice, only wonderment beamed about his face, and he was the spitting image of my husband and still is today. It's been said to me many times, especially by strangers, cashiers, women in my church......after seeing me with my children....."These are the best years of your life, they go by so quickly, enjoy every moment." That statement is so true and is even more relevant as it relates to my life right now. I try to take each moment of time with my children and cherish it, as I've seen with my sister, time can move so quickly and then everything is so different. In a flash they grow up, and it is up to us to capture the moments.
With losses in life there comes a "knowing." Knowing comes from seeing the transformations of spirit, of body, of mind when you feel the deepest fulfillment of love, watching someone taking their last breaths, while at the same time feeling tremendous pain, sometimes all in the same minute. Eric had a very special bond with his Aunt Chrissy, and he tells me almost everyday, especially at night how much he misses her. He has always been such a wise, old soul even when he was very young, and anyone who meets him is usually surprised by his maturity and thought processes. It makes you want to be a better person when you're around him. After hearing some of his thoughts; I thank God for being the mother of such a wonderful, kind soul. He is such a blessing!
When we moved from High Ridge to Ellisville, we lived with Chrissy and Frank in between until we bought our next home. We lived with them for about 4 months, before Frankie and Maria were born, and I think Chrissy connected with Eric like he was her own. He was about 3 years old at the time, and he told Chrissy that when he grows up, he would mow their lawn. He wasn't going to charge them money; he only wanted apples!
He would chat with her often, and sometimes when I was being the "mother" to him, Chrissy would give me that look like, lay off of him. One time much later, after we moved into our house, Chrissy called me to say that she thought Eric had gotten into her cigarettes because someone had tore them up and scattered them all over their front lawn. Of course, I couldn't believe that he would do this, and at first Eric denied it, and I believed him. I even told him he wasn't going to get punished because I understood why he would have done it. Eric never lies I told myself. He emphatically denied it. I told Chrissy that Eric said it wasn't him. "Are you sure it wasn't one of the neighbor kids????" I asked. There was silence over the phone, and she hesitated but said, "Ohhh, hmmm, I don't know about that. If he says he didn't do it..(pause).....okay, well." Was I being one of those moms? I hung up the phone and it dawned on me, I was being one of those moms......a mom who didn't want to accept that their child did something wrong. I wanted Eric to tell me himself, though, that he did it. It was shortly after I put him to bed that night, and within a few minutes, he crept out of bed and into the family room where I was watching the television. With a fearful look in his eyes he said, "Mom, I have something to tell you, and you're not going to be happy. I was the one who broke the cigarettes and scattered them all over Aunt Chrissy's lawn." I wasn't happy that he had lied to me, but I was happy that he fessed up to doing that, and I understood why. He did have to apologize to his Aunt Chrissy, but he also told her that he didn't like that she smoked either.
Eric was a child who required and welcomed the truth, and he always wanted to know how his Aunt Chrissy was doing. As the weeks and months passed, I would tell him of her journey, the hope we had, the possibilities of the medicines and the prayers we had to say for her, Uncle Frank and the kids. His eyes were still young and naive, and I wasn't going to break his spirit.....I didn't want to break my spirit of hope as long as there was breath. Some days it was more difficult than others, so very challenging to stay positive when the results of tests or numbers were not. The day came when there were no more medicines to try; they had used them all and then some more. That was one of the most difficult days of my life.......the day I had to tell him that his Aunt Chrissy was probably going to see heaven soon. With disbelief in his eyes and utter shock; we held each other and wept.
He wanted to be near her and never let go......."I want to be with her mom," he would say. "I know my friend, I know," I sighed. Time appeared to stop back then; yet, it moved so quickly. Each step felt so heavy, not quite sure where or how to move, but we moved. Everyday he was asking to see her and inquiring about her condition. Everyday I would tell him the same......."She's very sick, Eric, we need to keep praying for her." In his years growing into adulthood, I hope he holds on to all his memories, not only while she was sick, but all of his wonderful memories with Chrissy. I'll never forget his words when he saw his cherished Aunt Chrissy, his second mom, his confidant. Expressing his love for her while looking into her eyes he said, "We love you Aunt Chrissy, and we'll be with you every step of the way."
I have so many proud moments of this son of mine, but that had to be one of my favorite, proudest moments: my son loving his aunt, my sister.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Bathtime
Recently, when I was drawing a bath for my daughter, Faith, and hearing her yell, "It's too hot mom!".....it reminded me of my lil' sis, Chrissy, and how I used to get a bath ready for her. In fact, she was probably around the same age as Faith is now when I use to do this for her. Back then, though, I wasn't as patient when Chrissy would yell the same thing, and then shortly after I would add more cold water, and then she would yell, "It's too cold!"
As kids, I was probably 10 or 11 years old and Chrissy would have been 6 or 7. We used to audio tape events around the house with our cassette player, and I think I still have that particular cassette where I am drawing a bath for her. I would start the water and leave the bathroom while Chrissy would take off her clothes, and you could hear me rummaging about the house, and then you can hear Chrissy's voice yelling for me again. I can sense the agitation in my voice as she continues calling me......only to let me know the first time that the water is too cold. My foot steps pounding across the kitchen floor as I turn on more hot water. I know I was busy doing other house chores which I didn't want to do, and now I had to do this chore for my little sister. She would call me yet again when the water would become too hot. It was a back and forth game that I hated then, and now I wish it was possible to do it again for her. She grew to cherish her bath time into adulthood. That was her way of releasing the stress of the day. Children in bed, warm bubbly bath drawn, and there was my sister sinking into her hot bath. During the time nearing her death, it was bath time again. The nurse's aide would bathe her ever so gently, and sometimes Chrissy wanted me beside her so that I could see the "proper' way to bathe her. "You never know when you may need to do this for me," she would tell me. My heart was aching as she had allowed her power to be given to another, not by choice, but by necessity. There were times I would scream out in anger to God telling him this wasn't right, He made a mistake, it's not her turn.....this shouldn't be. He is God and I am me, and I will never understand, but I pray that I will or atleast accept what is to be.
Baths are my saving grace now as I put my worries aside and sink into a warm/hot bubbly bath where I can relax, stare into the flames of the candles, look up at the sky light, watch the stars and clear my mind......sometimes with a glass of wine, always thinking of her and her baths. I not only think of her, but I am reminded of my blessings and the time I did have with her. I'll never draw a bath and not think of her.....my sissy and her bathtime.
Lord, you are a compassionate and caring Father. Thank you for nurturing my development step by step and giving me understanding just as I need it. Help me to be as patient as you are with my simple and imperfect attempts at gaining maturity.
As kids, I was probably 10 or 11 years old and Chrissy would have been 6 or 7. We used to audio tape events around the house with our cassette player, and I think I still have that particular cassette where I am drawing a bath for her. I would start the water and leave the bathroom while Chrissy would take off her clothes, and you could hear me rummaging about the house, and then you can hear Chrissy's voice yelling for me again. I can sense the agitation in my voice as she continues calling me......only to let me know the first time that the water is too cold. My foot steps pounding across the kitchen floor as I turn on more hot water. I know I was busy doing other house chores which I didn't want to do, and now I had to do this chore for my little sister. She would call me yet again when the water would become too hot. It was a back and forth game that I hated then, and now I wish it was possible to do it again for her. She grew to cherish her bath time into adulthood. That was her way of releasing the stress of the day. Children in bed, warm bubbly bath drawn, and there was my sister sinking into her hot bath. During the time nearing her death, it was bath time again. The nurse's aide would bathe her ever so gently, and sometimes Chrissy wanted me beside her so that I could see the "proper' way to bathe her. "You never know when you may need to do this for me," she would tell me. My heart was aching as she had allowed her power to be given to another, not by choice, but by necessity. There were times I would scream out in anger to God telling him this wasn't right, He made a mistake, it's not her turn.....this shouldn't be. He is God and I am me, and I will never understand, but I pray that I will or atleast accept what is to be.
Baths are my saving grace now as I put my worries aside and sink into a warm/hot bubbly bath where I can relax, stare into the flames of the candles, look up at the sky light, watch the stars and clear my mind......sometimes with a glass of wine, always thinking of her and her baths. I not only think of her, but I am reminded of my blessings and the time I did have with her. I'll never draw a bath and not think of her.....my sissy and her bathtime.
Lord, you are a compassionate and caring Father. Thank you for nurturing my development step by step and giving me understanding just as I need it. Help me to be as patient as you are with my simple and imperfect attempts at gaining maturity.
Monday, August 16, 2010
School Is Here........Again
"School days, school days, reading and writing and rule days......." Mom used to chant this song with a smile on her face every year when we woke up on that first day of school. It would irritate the heck out of me. How could she want her precious babies to go back to that....that school......that prison! Wouldn't she miss us? So many rules, so many assignments and getting used to new teachers and their way of doing things in the classroom. It didn't make sense to me. We had such a great summer! How could she turn on us???Once I became a mom, it all became clear, I understood that smile on my mom's face.
My mind visits so many places these days, near and far......years present and past when we were kids. As soon as the calendar flipped over to the month of August, I remember that sick feeling in my gut. No more late nights and playing tag, no more late night movies, no more swimming and walking bare foot all summer long. Ugh! Part of me was so excited to see my school friends again, but facing the days of homework and projects just plain made me sick. In those days, I felt such a passion to do the very best at school. For some kids, it was a natural, but for me, I had to study really hard and long to get those "A"s. A week or so before school started, mom would take us to the Catholic uniform store to buy our new plaid uniforms, somewhere in Baden, with the white-collared shirts underneath. They were soooo hot during the warm months of school, and there wasn't any air conditioning in those buildings! Our next trip would be to the shoe store to buy our school shoes that were supposed to last the entire year. Mom wasn't so concerned about style as she was on quality. It wasn't until I begged her to buy me the shoes that were in fashion, only to realize that she was right. Fashion wasn't always cost effective, and she knew they would fall apart early, and they did. We walked to school in those days, rain or shine. Snow boots were worn when it snowed and windbreakers were worn in the rain. My sister Deni would walk me to school when I was in the first grade. Deni has about seven years on me, so I thought I was really cool walking with the big kids. Strange, how some weird memories are forever etched in your mind, and one that stands out was when I brought my first lunch box with a thermos to school. In those days, the kids' thermoses were made of glass inside. I'll never forget walking around the corner near St. Catherine's gymnasium and the thermos flew out of my lunch box. I didn't realize it had a glass interior. As I sat down to eat lunch and drink my kool-aid that day, I thought mom had crushed some ice for me. I looked inside and saw these crystal-like pieces floating around in there. It wasn't until I took a drink that I realized it was glass. Feeling upset and so very shy, I didn't tell anyone. Crazy as it was, I was afraid that I would get into trouble for breaking the thermos. I don't know if that was because I was only in first grade or because of the Catholic guilt......??? Not sure, but needless to say, as we walked from recess to our classroom, I saw a trail of kool-aid dripping from my lunch box! I was so embarrassed, hoping no one would notice, and I pulled it off. After I got through that ordeal; I had to figure out how I was going to tell mom that I broke my new thermos. After all these years, I still remember how traumatic that day was for me. As I was on the older end in my grade school years, I remember walking to school with Chrissy. We would look at stuff on our way to school, laugh about silly things and we were in the moment. I never realized until recently how much she looked up to me as her big sister. In those days, sometimes I didn't always want her around me......I wanted my own room, my own friends, my own time. For me, it seemed as though we had to share everything. During our talks together around the table and at the hospital, she would smile at me with those clenched teeth, talking to me in that sassy sort of voice that we use and say, "I wanted to be around you, and you would get so annoyed!"
Isn't it funny how life changes? Once upon a time she was the pesty little sister.........and then we grew up. Everything changed..........so fast........and it will never be the same.
As a mom, I have anxiously awaited for that first day of school, "cracking the whip", eagerly buying school clothes and school supplies with a smile on my face......awaiting that moment when they would become the school's responsibility for awhile. Usually, by the time August arrives, I am biting at the bullet, reminding the kids that they will not have to fight over the remote anymore because school is right around the corner. This year, though, everything has changed, all is different. As August made its way into my world yet again, the tears began. I have that same feeling as when I was a kid. That sick feeling in my gut has returned. This year I will miss the kids, even though they may have pushed my buttons at times......I will truly miss them. Yes, I know, they will return at the end of the day......atleast that's what I tell myself. They will return or will they? Life has a way of changing in a flash, doesn't it? I can't dwell on what ifs, but perhaps it's more about what we shared this summer that meant so much. This summer had its share of roller coaster emtoional rides as the kids faced their first summer without their mom. We spent our time swimming, playing, golfing, watching Frankie during his baseball games and all sorts of St. Louis fun, but she was not here like she used to be. That my friends is so very hard......so very difficult. The smile of relief that once appeared on my face.......isn't here this year. Instead, the smile has been replaced by tears. I am dreading the hustle and bustle of meetings, homework, projects and all that goes with having kids going to school. The summer was a good one with my kids. Chillin out, having sleepovers, going to our favorite "carnival" food store, camping, fishing, golfing, watching movies and eating our popcorn.....that's what we did, and I am so grateful. Without her physical presence, life was emotional for me and yet good, too. Perhaps its the sense that life has to move forward, and I don't want to........I simply don't want to. The tears flow as I say "hello" to a new school year tomorrow filled with routines and duties, new friends, new memories..........new life. Perhaps it's remembering my mom who passed to her new life 24 years ago on August 19th. The mom who I admired and loved so much and the little sister who was taken too early are standing side by side and blanketing us with their loving souls. It will never be the same, and I miss them with all my heart. Yes, school days have arrived, school is here......again.
Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
- George Carlin
My mind visits so many places these days, near and far......years present and past when we were kids. As soon as the calendar flipped over to the month of August, I remember that sick feeling in my gut. No more late nights and playing tag, no more late night movies, no more swimming and walking bare foot all summer long. Ugh! Part of me was so excited to see my school friends again, but facing the days of homework and projects just plain made me sick. In those days, I felt such a passion to do the very best at school. For some kids, it was a natural, but for me, I had to study really hard and long to get those "A"s. A week or so before school started, mom would take us to the Catholic uniform store to buy our new plaid uniforms, somewhere in Baden, with the white-collared shirts underneath. They were soooo hot during the warm months of school, and there wasn't any air conditioning in those buildings! Our next trip would be to the shoe store to buy our school shoes that were supposed to last the entire year. Mom wasn't so concerned about style as she was on quality. It wasn't until I begged her to buy me the shoes that were in fashion, only to realize that she was right. Fashion wasn't always cost effective, and she knew they would fall apart early, and they did. We walked to school in those days, rain or shine. Snow boots were worn when it snowed and windbreakers were worn in the rain. My sister Deni would walk me to school when I was in the first grade. Deni has about seven years on me, so I thought I was really cool walking with the big kids. Strange, how some weird memories are forever etched in your mind, and one that stands out was when I brought my first lunch box with a thermos to school. In those days, the kids' thermoses were made of glass inside. I'll never forget walking around the corner near St. Catherine's gymnasium and the thermos flew out of my lunch box. I didn't realize it had a glass interior. As I sat down to eat lunch and drink my kool-aid that day, I thought mom had crushed some ice for me. I looked inside and saw these crystal-like pieces floating around in there. It wasn't until I took a drink that I realized it was glass. Feeling upset and so very shy, I didn't tell anyone. Crazy as it was, I was afraid that I would get into trouble for breaking the thermos. I don't know if that was because I was only in first grade or because of the Catholic guilt......??? Not sure, but needless to say, as we walked from recess to our classroom, I saw a trail of kool-aid dripping from my lunch box! I was so embarrassed, hoping no one would notice, and I pulled it off. After I got through that ordeal; I had to figure out how I was going to tell mom that I broke my new thermos. After all these years, I still remember how traumatic that day was for me. As I was on the older end in my grade school years, I remember walking to school with Chrissy. We would look at stuff on our way to school, laugh about silly things and we were in the moment. I never realized until recently how much she looked up to me as her big sister. In those days, sometimes I didn't always want her around me......I wanted my own room, my own friends, my own time. For me, it seemed as though we had to share everything. During our talks together around the table and at the hospital, she would smile at me with those clenched teeth, talking to me in that sassy sort of voice that we use and say, "I wanted to be around you, and you would get so annoyed!"
Isn't it funny how life changes? Once upon a time she was the pesty little sister.........and then we grew up. Everything changed..........so fast........and it will never be the same.
As a mom, I have anxiously awaited for that first day of school, "cracking the whip", eagerly buying school clothes and school supplies with a smile on my face......awaiting that moment when they would become the school's responsibility for awhile. Usually, by the time August arrives, I am biting at the bullet, reminding the kids that they will not have to fight over the remote anymore because school is right around the corner. This year, though, everything has changed, all is different. As August made its way into my world yet again, the tears began. I have that same feeling as when I was a kid. That sick feeling in my gut has returned. This year I will miss the kids, even though they may have pushed my buttons at times......I will truly miss them. Yes, I know, they will return at the end of the day......atleast that's what I tell myself. They will return or will they? Life has a way of changing in a flash, doesn't it? I can't dwell on what ifs, but perhaps it's more about what we shared this summer that meant so much. This summer had its share of roller coaster emtoional rides as the kids faced their first summer without their mom. We spent our time swimming, playing, golfing, watching Frankie during his baseball games and all sorts of St. Louis fun, but she was not here like she used to be. That my friends is so very hard......so very difficult. The smile of relief that once appeared on my face.......isn't here this year. Instead, the smile has been replaced by tears. I am dreading the hustle and bustle of meetings, homework, projects and all that goes with having kids going to school. The summer was a good one with my kids. Chillin out, having sleepovers, going to our favorite "carnival" food store, camping, fishing, golfing, watching movies and eating our popcorn.....that's what we did, and I am so grateful. Without her physical presence, life was emotional for me and yet good, too. Perhaps its the sense that life has to move forward, and I don't want to........I simply don't want to. The tears flow as I say "hello" to a new school year tomorrow filled with routines and duties, new friends, new memories..........new life. Perhaps it's remembering my mom who passed to her new life 24 years ago on August 19th. The mom who I admired and loved so much and the little sister who was taken too early are standing side by side and blanketing us with their loving souls. It will never be the same, and I miss them with all my heart. Yes, school days have arrived, school is here......again.
Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
- George Carlin
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
A Good Belly Laugh
There's something healing in a good belly laugh, and no doubt I need to experience that more often. A particular day could be stressful or hurried, and if I stop and really laugh......all that hurriedness or stress simply melts away. One of the belly laughs that Chrissy and I had was when she was working for a pest control business, and it was regarding a roach with really long antennae. I was probably in my early twenties and she had to be 19 or 20 years old. I suppose she had worked many hours so her mind was preoccupied with "bugs" and so began her dream of the roach in the phone book. It was a short dream, but it was so funny that it woke her up in the wee hours of the morning, and of course, it was way too funny not to wake me up along with her. We slept in the same bedroom so she nudged me as she was chuckling, barely able to speak. "I've got to tell you this dream!" Between short snippets of laughter, she was able to relay to me that this huge roach was sitting in the middle of an open phone book and looking for a reliable pest control business. What put me over the top is how she explained the roach searching for this special place. She said that the roach was licking its antenna and in the next motion was using it to flip each page of the yellow pages. Both of us broke down into laughter, and anyone who heard us would have thought we were nuts, but I don't think we were able to go back to sleep that night thinking of that nasty pest searching so frantically. Thinking of that dream to this day makes me chuckle, and I depend on it some days, especially at night when the kids and Marty have fallen asleep, and the house seems so lonely and quiet. That is the dream that is vivid in my mind, and it will still make me bust a gut to this day.
It takes a lot for me to belly laugh now, but certain television commercials can set me free to the biggest belly laugh. Those laughs can change my melancholy mood to a light-hearted mood in seconds. This is not an adverstisement for any product or service, but when I am laying in my bed and these commercials turn up.......well, all I have to say is "GENIUS"! The latest candy commercials where the the m & m is protesting the pretzal being put inside him. How about Bush's Baked Beans where the Golden Retriever is secretly plotting to discover the recipe to the bean empire, and last but not least the certain commercials for pest control. Yes, there is one that is simply brilliant, and I think of Chrissy when this big roach or creature-like bug is standing at the doorway of a house and dips his "extention" into the man's sweet coffee. Who couldn't have a good belly laugh with that one as the deep-voiced roach is trying to edge his way into the house. The expressions on the people and the bugs are priceless!
Look at the little things in life that make you smile, laugh, feel joy......as they will take you through the more difficult minutes when you feel the pangs in your heart. Sometimes, you feel that the grief is so intense, it leaves you speechless. There's so much joy to feel, and I want to feel it; yet, my mind tells me that I'm leaving her out or somehow forgetting her if I allow myself to feel. Perhaps feeling brings on too much pain. Those that grieve understand what I mean. It's a constant battle of telling your mind to feel joy, but your heart feels the loss, the pain and we don't want to let go of our loved ones. So my thought for the day is to find atleast one joyful moment and hold on tight because you'll need for the cloudier days.
Joy is what happens when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.
By Marianne Williamson
It takes a lot for me to belly laugh now, but certain television commercials can set me free to the biggest belly laugh. Those laughs can change my melancholy mood to a light-hearted mood in seconds. This is not an adverstisement for any product or service, but when I am laying in my bed and these commercials turn up.......well, all I have to say is "GENIUS"! The latest candy commercials where the the m & m is protesting the pretzal being put inside him. How about Bush's Baked Beans where the Golden Retriever is secretly plotting to discover the recipe to the bean empire, and last but not least the certain commercials for pest control. Yes, there is one that is simply brilliant, and I think of Chrissy when this big roach or creature-like bug is standing at the doorway of a house and dips his "extention" into the man's sweet coffee. Who couldn't have a good belly laugh with that one as the deep-voiced roach is trying to edge his way into the house. The expressions on the people and the bugs are priceless!
Look at the little things in life that make you smile, laugh, feel joy......as they will take you through the more difficult minutes when you feel the pangs in your heart. Sometimes, you feel that the grief is so intense, it leaves you speechless. There's so much joy to feel, and I want to feel it; yet, my mind tells me that I'm leaving her out or somehow forgetting her if I allow myself to feel. Perhaps feeling brings on too much pain. Those that grieve understand what I mean. It's a constant battle of telling your mind to feel joy, but your heart feels the loss, the pain and we don't want to let go of our loved ones. So my thought for the day is to find atleast one joyful moment and hold on tight because you'll need for the cloudier days.
Joy is what happens when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.
By Marianne Williamson
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
What Happens at the Time of Death
I had to share this beautiful poem that was read at a memorial service, written by a hospice chaplain......and it seemed too good not to share to all of you. Thank you, Karen, for showing it to me......now I can share it with more people.
What Happens at the Time of Death
A Hospice Chaplain’s Poem by Rev. Colette Wood
“What will it be like when I die?”
First God will come and hold your two feet in his hands; he will rub them gently and remember all the miles you walked; all the miles through life in both hard times and joyful times, and he will help you remember only the joy…
Next he will hold your legs in his hands and give thanks for their strength that carried you on earth…
Then he will take your upper body and place his hand on your chest. Because of this you will feel warmth in your heart and your heart rate will slow since God will be holding its anxiety…
Then God will gather up your arms and remember all of the heavy loads you carried…these arms carried so much and they are so weary, and God will free them from their burden…
Then God will touch your ears, removing anything bad you have ever heard. He will caress them with words of Love, gratitude and thanksgiving and they will be warmed by the gentle whisper, “You are my beloved”…
Then he will gather your face in his hands, look deeply into your eyes and watch you as your breathing slows and as your breathing slows, God’s breathing will take over; as yours ends, God’s continues, increasing, accelerating, beating strong and melodious until your breath has become ONE with His…
And then it will become clear, all the pain will end, all the questions will be answered. Great arms will lift you, you will understand and there will be no more waiting…
And all will be a great AMEN!!
Enough said..........
What Happens at the Time of Death
A Hospice Chaplain’s Poem by Rev. Colette Wood
“What will it be like when I die?”
First God will come and hold your two feet in his hands; he will rub them gently and remember all the miles you walked; all the miles through life in both hard times and joyful times, and he will help you remember only the joy…
Next he will hold your legs in his hands and give thanks for their strength that carried you on earth…
Then he will take your upper body and place his hand on your chest. Because of this you will feel warmth in your heart and your heart rate will slow since God will be holding its anxiety…
Then God will gather up your arms and remember all of the heavy loads you carried…these arms carried so much and they are so weary, and God will free them from their burden…
Then God will touch your ears, removing anything bad you have ever heard. He will caress them with words of Love, gratitude and thanksgiving and they will be warmed by the gentle whisper, “You are my beloved”…
Then he will gather your face in his hands, look deeply into your eyes and watch you as your breathing slows and as your breathing slows, God’s breathing will take over; as yours ends, God’s continues, increasing, accelerating, beating strong and melodious until your breath has become ONE with His…
And then it will become clear, all the pain will end, all the questions will be answered. Great arms will lift you, you will understand and there will be no more waiting…
And all will be a great AMEN!!
Enough said..........
Monday, August 2, 2010
Who Are We Without Her?
Unchartered territories......sounds like a StarTrek episode, but when someone you love dearly dies......everything is all new again. Who are we without her? As a family, I think we're all trying to figure that out along with what is best for Maria, Frankie and Frank. (Yes, Frank, surprisingly the sisters do talk about you but in a good way) None of us knows the right way, and for me, that's new and uncomfortable. I've always felt large and incharge, having a plan, being an organizer and setting goals with my kids, enjoying Marty and everything else inbetween. All that aside, I am also very self-conscious and unsure of myself, too. One of those skeletons that most people don't know.......until now. One thing I do know is that life can change at the drop of a hat. God has been my guide all along, but the lesson for me has been that ultimately nothing is for sure in life....and I can't control what isn't mine to control. It's a pill that's hard for me to swallow. Moms know that we like to cure all, make everything better, and this one isn't an easy one to make better. All families go through changes, epecially when death invades your life. We try to live in a new way which often times is very awkward and uncertain. Am I saying the right things to her kids? Am I calling Frank too much or too little? What is it that I can do for them? Many times since Chrissy's death, my rock hard question to God and to Chrissy has been, "Am I doing this right?" This time in my life is not for commitments or planning or setting appointments, and when my children ask what are we going to do today; my answer is this: "I don't know, let's play it by ear." Then we do whatever we feel like doing, and for Marty and the kids that has to be frustrating for sure.......but that's the best I can offer them right now.
Our family dynamics have changed, and we will never be the same as we were before because someone who played an integral part of our family has died. The five of us "Meyer kids" are now four. That number hasn't been around for us since before she was born. Life changes all the time, and we must move with it or not. That's the choice we all have to make: do we live with the loss or not? What I have learned from the deaths of my parents, grandparents and now Chrissy is that our family has changed and will continue to change, but how we deal with the change and make "new" depends on all family members to be present. Present in the moment, the hour, the day, the week................knowing what's important......keeping what's real right in front of us......being honest......and listening to others. Right now, if there is family or friends who are not real in their own lives, I choose not to be around them. Perhaps that's a bold statement, but in keeping with my purpose for this site, I'm trying to keep it real and put it out there.
My time with Chrissy was precious, and as one friend has relayed to me, we will always want more time, no matter when the end is going to happen, we'll always want one more day, one more hour, one more minute.....just one more. Chrissy's concerns after her death were mostly about where her children would be without her and their emotional well-being. She never doubted Frank's ability to be the wonderful dad and do what's best for their children, but she wasn't sure the mom needs to her children would be met. She wasn't convinced that they would understand this or want to talk about her. As I was saying good-bye to her; I found myself saying hello to her kids in finding out all the details that only a mom might know. I thought I knew them because we saw each other so much on a weekly basis, but in light of Chrissy's failing physical health, I felt like a stranger to them. Even though I spent loads of time with them during most of their lives; I found myself asking her questions as well as asking them upfront to Frankie and Maria. What are your favorite books and foods? What do you like to eat for lunch at school? Tell me the names of your teachers. What are your favorite toys? How should I treat them when they misbehave? What do you want me to tell them about you?
As I was trying to figure out what to do for them and who and how they would be without her; I never thought of who I would be without her until after her death. Every day I ask God to help me see the purpose in my life as it unfolds, and what was once important to me, isn't anymore. As I explore new careers or a part-time job, I don't have the passion as I used to. Jobs should never define oneself, but recently I've been asking myself what it is that I should do from here. Who am I without my sister? That question is a work in progress for me. Most days I know I'm child of God, a mom, a wife, a volunteer in life, a creator of ideas, an organizer, a writer, a baker, a cook, an interpreter, a social worker for my kids' problems, a maid, a sister, a friend, an aunt, a cousin, a daughter, a sister-in-law, a fighter, a listener, and a learner of life. That should be quite enough, right? Those identities haven't changed; yet, nothing feels quite right anymore, and many days I feel as though it's the first day of school. A new day, a new beginning is in front of me; however, I feel the awkwardness and fearfulness of what lies before me. At any given moment, my emotions can erupt like a volcano when I see a familiar place that reminds me of her or hear a beloved song or smell a seasonal fragrance or eat a lucious meal, and my mind goes back to when she was here.....living, breathing, smiling, laughing, yelling.........and yes, eating! A week doesn't pass when my kids don't express how much they miss Aunt Chrissy. There isn't a time that I don't want to call her when Guy is introducing a new drive-in, diner or dive, both of us salivating over the phone and screaming how good the food looks. Who am I without her?" Since my sissy has passed on, all of the above titles seem meaningless to me. That is where this journey is for me. Where do I go from here?
As we all try to figure out who we are and what our purpose is, I feel a sense that she is being forgotten as the world goes on with work, vacations, activities and events. She will never be forgotten by me, and my purpose will always fall back on who she was, what she would want me to do and what she meant to me.
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (Corinthians 4: 16-18)
Our family dynamics have changed, and we will never be the same as we were before because someone who played an integral part of our family has died. The five of us "Meyer kids" are now four. That number hasn't been around for us since before she was born. Life changes all the time, and we must move with it or not. That's the choice we all have to make: do we live with the loss or not? What I have learned from the deaths of my parents, grandparents and now Chrissy is that our family has changed and will continue to change, but how we deal with the change and make "new" depends on all family members to be present. Present in the moment, the hour, the day, the week................knowing what's important......keeping what's real right in front of us......being honest......and listening to others. Right now, if there is family or friends who are not real in their own lives, I choose not to be around them. Perhaps that's a bold statement, but in keeping with my purpose for this site, I'm trying to keep it real and put it out there.
My time with Chrissy was precious, and as one friend has relayed to me, we will always want more time, no matter when the end is going to happen, we'll always want one more day, one more hour, one more minute.....just one more. Chrissy's concerns after her death were mostly about where her children would be without her and their emotional well-being. She never doubted Frank's ability to be the wonderful dad and do what's best for their children, but she wasn't sure the mom needs to her children would be met. She wasn't convinced that they would understand this or want to talk about her. As I was saying good-bye to her; I found myself saying hello to her kids in finding out all the details that only a mom might know. I thought I knew them because we saw each other so much on a weekly basis, but in light of Chrissy's failing physical health, I felt like a stranger to them. Even though I spent loads of time with them during most of their lives; I found myself asking her questions as well as asking them upfront to Frankie and Maria. What are your favorite books and foods? What do you like to eat for lunch at school? Tell me the names of your teachers. What are your favorite toys? How should I treat them when they misbehave? What do you want me to tell them about you?
As I was trying to figure out what to do for them and who and how they would be without her; I never thought of who I would be without her until after her death. Every day I ask God to help me see the purpose in my life as it unfolds, and what was once important to me, isn't anymore. As I explore new careers or a part-time job, I don't have the passion as I used to. Jobs should never define oneself, but recently I've been asking myself what it is that I should do from here. Who am I without my sister? That question is a work in progress for me. Most days I know I'm child of God, a mom, a wife, a volunteer in life, a creator of ideas, an organizer, a writer, a baker, a cook, an interpreter, a social worker for my kids' problems, a maid, a sister, a friend, an aunt, a cousin, a daughter, a sister-in-law, a fighter, a listener, and a learner of life. That should be quite enough, right? Those identities haven't changed; yet, nothing feels quite right anymore, and many days I feel as though it's the first day of school. A new day, a new beginning is in front of me; however, I feel the awkwardness and fearfulness of what lies before me. At any given moment, my emotions can erupt like a volcano when I see a familiar place that reminds me of her or hear a beloved song or smell a seasonal fragrance or eat a lucious meal, and my mind goes back to when she was here.....living, breathing, smiling, laughing, yelling.........and yes, eating! A week doesn't pass when my kids don't express how much they miss Aunt Chrissy. There isn't a time that I don't want to call her when Guy is introducing a new drive-in, diner or dive, both of us salivating over the phone and screaming how good the food looks. Who am I without her?" Since my sissy has passed on, all of the above titles seem meaningless to me. That is where this journey is for me. Where do I go from here?
As we all try to figure out who we are and what our purpose is, I feel a sense that she is being forgotten as the world goes on with work, vacations, activities and events. She will never be forgotten by me, and my purpose will always fall back on who she was, what she would want me to do and what she meant to me.
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (Corinthians 4: 16-18)
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