"School days, school days, reading and writing and rule days......." Mom used to chant this song with a smile on her face every year when we woke up on that first day of school. It would irritate the heck out of me. How could she want her precious babies to go back to that....that school......that prison! Wouldn't she miss us? So many rules, so many assignments and getting used to new teachers and their way of doing things in the classroom. It didn't make sense to me. We had such a great summer! How could she turn on us???Once I became a mom, it all became clear, I understood that smile on my mom's face.
My mind visits so many places these days, near and far......years present and past when we were kids. As soon as the calendar flipped over to the month of August, I remember that sick feeling in my gut. No more late nights and playing tag, no more late night movies, no more swimming and walking bare foot all summer long. Ugh! Part of me was so excited to see my school friends again, but facing the days of homework and projects just plain made me sick. In those days, I felt such a passion to do the very best at school. For some kids, it was a natural, but for me, I had to study really hard and long to get those "A"s. A week or so before school started, mom would take us to the Catholic uniform store to buy our new plaid uniforms, somewhere in Baden, with the white-collared shirts underneath. They were soooo hot during the warm months of school, and there wasn't any air conditioning in those buildings! Our next trip would be to the shoe store to buy our school shoes that were supposed to last the entire year. Mom wasn't so concerned about style as she was on quality. It wasn't until I begged her to buy me the shoes that were in fashion, only to realize that she was right. Fashion wasn't always cost effective, and she knew they would fall apart early, and they did. We walked to school in those days, rain or shine. Snow boots were worn when it snowed and windbreakers were worn in the rain. My sister Deni would walk me to school when I was in the first grade. Deni has about seven years on me, so I thought I was really cool walking with the big kids. Strange, how some weird memories are forever etched in your mind, and one that stands out was when I brought my first lunch box with a thermos to school. In those days, the kids' thermoses were made of glass inside. I'll never forget walking around the corner near St. Catherine's gymnasium and the thermos flew out of my lunch box. I didn't realize it had a glass interior. As I sat down to eat lunch and drink my kool-aid that day, I thought mom had crushed some ice for me. I looked inside and saw these crystal-like pieces floating around in there. It wasn't until I took a drink that I realized it was glass. Feeling upset and so very shy, I didn't tell anyone. Crazy as it was, I was afraid that I would get into trouble for breaking the thermos. I don't know if that was because I was only in first grade or because of the Catholic guilt......??? Not sure, but needless to say, as we walked from recess to our classroom, I saw a trail of kool-aid dripping from my lunch box! I was so embarrassed, hoping no one would notice, and I pulled it off. After I got through that ordeal; I had to figure out how I was going to tell mom that I broke my new thermos. After all these years, I still remember how traumatic that day was for me. As I was on the older end in my grade school years, I remember walking to school with Chrissy. We would look at stuff on our way to school, laugh about silly things and we were in the moment. I never realized until recently how much she looked up to me as her big sister. In those days, sometimes I didn't always want her around me......I wanted my own room, my own friends, my own time. For me, it seemed as though we had to share everything. During our talks together around the table and at the hospital, she would smile at me with those clenched teeth, talking to me in that sassy sort of voice that we use and say, "I wanted to be around you, and you would get so annoyed!"
Isn't it funny how life changes? Once upon a time she was the pesty little sister.........and then we grew up. Everything changed..........so fast........and it will never be the same.
As a mom, I have anxiously awaited for that first day of school, "cracking the whip", eagerly buying school clothes and school supplies with a smile on my face......awaiting that moment when they would become the school's responsibility for awhile. Usually, by the time August arrives, I am biting at the bullet, reminding the kids that they will not have to fight over the remote anymore because school is right around the corner. This year, though, everything has changed, all is different. As August made its way into my world yet again, the tears began. I have that same feeling as when I was a kid. That sick feeling in my gut has returned. This year I will miss the kids, even though they may have pushed my buttons at times......I will truly miss them. Yes, I know, they will return at the end of the day......atleast that's what I tell myself. They will return or will they? Life has a way of changing in a flash, doesn't it? I can't dwell on what ifs, but perhaps it's more about what we shared this summer that meant so much. This summer had its share of roller coaster emtoional rides as the kids faced their first summer without their mom. We spent our time swimming, playing, golfing, watching Frankie during his baseball games and all sorts of St. Louis fun, but she was not here like she used to be. That my friends is so very hard......so very difficult. The smile of relief that once appeared on my face.......isn't here this year. Instead, the smile has been replaced by tears. I am dreading the hustle and bustle of meetings, homework, projects and all that goes with having kids going to school. The summer was a good one with my kids. Chillin out, having sleepovers, going to our favorite "carnival" food store, camping, fishing, golfing, watching movies and eating our popcorn.....that's what we did, and I am so grateful. Without her physical presence, life was emotional for me and yet good, too. Perhaps its the sense that life has to move forward, and I don't want to........I simply don't want to. The tears flow as I say "hello" to a new school year tomorrow filled with routines and duties, new friends, new memories..........new life. Perhaps it's remembering my mom who passed to her new life 24 years ago on August 19th. The mom who I admired and loved so much and the little sister who was taken too early are standing side by side and blanketing us with their loving souls. It will never be the same, and I miss them with all my heart. Yes, school days have arrived, school is here......again.
Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
- George Carlin
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