The Aftermath

Another one has presented itself and has passed.  Does it become easier?  I don't think so, but we play the part; we must.  We ate our usual treats of chili, nachos, hotdogs, kettle corn and so much more.  The spooky decorations were sprawled throughout the house and yard, as we greeted the little goblins at my sister's house.  As the late afternoon started with our Halloween festivities, there was an anxiousness in my movements. I generally don't like to zip through this special holiday, but this year I did.  I tried to stay focused on the kids, their childish antics and costume presentations, but it was not without that lump in my throat.  That dreaded lump that lingers behind my held back tears.  I loved watching our little Lucy as she smiled with excitement in her giraffe costume collecting her treats from house to house.  As photo opts were taken, it doesn't take a genious to see the heartache in little Maria's eyes.  At one moment she is playing like an eight year old should play, and the next I watch her take pause....there is an emptiness in her eyes.....a longing.  How can there not be?  The family can do all we can, her father gives it everything and so much more, but we are still not her mother.  Perhaps her subtle expressions are missed by some, maybe seen but unspoken, but you can see it in both of her children's eyes. 

We try to make it perfect, the childish antics, the food, the trick-o-treating, but we all still missed her.  Chrissy loved to dress up and play pretend on this ghoulish holiday.  She was struggling last year at this time, and we all remember it.......her smiling in her mummy costume.   She gave it everything she had, and we celebrated!  It was so special last year but bittersweet at the same time. With Halloween landing on a Sunday this year and the kids going to school tomorrow, we didn't stay as long as we usually do.  We still had our bonfire and laughed some, but the pang in my heart was still there.  I wanted to bundle both those babies up and tell them that one day they will feel normal again.  One day, life will be okay.  As we try to maneuver through this awkwardness, trying to enjoy life these days, we will learn and grow.   Our souls will mature and we will know.  As always we are grateful for what we have been given, but at the same time we still miss what has been taken.  So what else do we do?  We move on, enjoy life in the best way we can, breathe in and breathe out. 

I want to thank Frank, Susie and Dave, Cassie and Kyle, Marty and Eric for bringing it all together as we did.  We did it for the kids......hell we did it for us......to feel some normalcy.  We pulled this one off and then we forge ahead to face yet another holiday, another day and each day we will gain strength.  That much I know to be true.....we will.  The aftermath is full of reflections:  aches in my heart while still missing my little sister,  gratefulness in my heart for the rest of my family who pulls it together, gratitude for Frank who moves while I know he still misses her so much, anger for the loss of possibilities.  It sounds like a cliche  sometimes, but it's often said that all we have is here and now.  I can't say what will happen tomorrow......we can only hope and dream......but today is all we have in the aftermath.  It was celebrated, and the kids loved it!

To all of you, "Happy Halloween!"

Bagels and Cream Cheese

One of the joys Chrissy and I shared, especially when our girls were of preschool age and half day kindergarten, was enjoying a cup of coffee and eating our bagels while our girls played. (it wasn't all work and no fun as stay home moms....we had our pleasures, too)  Her favorite morning indulgence was a seseme seed bagel toasted, a smear of butter topped with a smear of cream cheese.  Mmmmmmmmmm, was it so tasty on a crisp fall day like today.  How I relished those conversations that only a sister could appreciate.  Often we would talk of our spouses: how we loved them and wanted to kill them at the same time.   All in jest of course, as we know sometimes men and women are on different wave lengths.  She would share her love of Frank and dog him at the same time, just as I would of Marty.  We supported each other on our journeys of motherhood and marriage.  We would talk of our lives, laugh, share family secrets and stories, and correct our girls if they were getting into mischief.......and all was good.  I thank God for those times of simple pleasures; yet, I know I was so blessed.  Many a days "onlookers".....other moms......would express their envy of the relationship we had.

I try so very hard to stay in the moment these days of grief, appreciate my family and our blessed times.  It's difficult not to look back and miss those other times that are now in the past.  It's not productive to look back and long for those times again.....even though I have......as I'm a sister and a human being.  I try not to look to the future, but there are days when I do.....and I have to talk myself back to now.  Now is what we have to live because there is no control over the past or the future and not even now.  That much I have learned in this life. 

When I feel the crisp fall air and see the gorgeous colors as I do this morning, I can't help but think of those warm coffees and bagels smeared with our indulgences.  That experience sustains me now as I will never forget them.  I try not to linger there too long, but I wil never forget.  How blessed I am to have had those times because a sister relationship is like no other.  For now I have my coffee and an egg sandwich.  It is different but just as good.  I will live with it for today, and perhaps she is still having her coffee, bagels and cream cheese but in a new light, with all those that have gone before us.  Imagine how it must taste!

Savor those blessed moments of your life and be grateful for the experience

Act Like Children

"Halloween's only 10 days away MOM!!!"  shouts my Luke, as he wakes up this morning.  "When are we going to carve the pumpkins?????"  That is the question I've heard for about two weeks now, everyday  from both Luke and Faith.  One of Eric's birthday gifts is a creepy man who shoots fog from his mouth that he tests every other day to be sure that it works for our Halloween night of festivities at the Corrao house/neighborhood.  It is a sight to behold over there, seeing all that is presented in their neighborhood.  People are dishing out pastas, popcorn, hotdogs, beer, soda, hot chocolate and yes, even CANDY........the list goes on.  Our annual pumpkin patch adventure went down this past weekend with sunny, beautiful weather; however, my trip to Aldi's for the huge $1.99 pumpkins happened only a week before that!  I bought four of them, one for each kid and hopefully one to save for Thanksgiving Day. You gotta love that Aldi's!!!   We love to experience the thrill of the pumpkin patch at Thies' Farm, but we gave our money to the grocery store who honors the working class people!  To live in the Woytus house during October is to immerse yourself in everything spooky with oranges and blacks, dangling bats and spiders, creepy hands edging over shelves and spider webs sprawled throughout the house.  The good part is that you can't see the real spider webs with all the fake ones around.  Sometimes I mistake the real spiders for the fake ones.  It is one of my most favorite times of the year, even with all the goings on and shuffling around with activities and school celebrations.......it is a special, wonderful time for our family.   It was Chrissy's 2nd most favorite holiday.....Thanksgiving was her first......as she adored all the foods and smells in store for that event.  Food was a priority and Halloween just didn't hold a candle in the food department for her.  Halloween was good and tasty with all the grilling, soups and chilis, but it didn't compare to her Thanksgiving.

As this next first holiday approaches without her physical presence, I am still able to smile because for atleast one day.....maybe more.....we allow ourselves to behave like kids.  We all dress up along with our kids, and on Chrissy's last earthly Halloween, she was the mummy.  Her health was not good, but she prevailed as she dressed in black, wrapped herself up with gauze and was present for her family.  Along with my kids and all the other friends and family that will gather; we will prevail.   There is no question that we will, and we are thankful for the memories and for the new ones that we will make.  As this week approaches with all our preparations, attending school "fall parties", we will step forward in our new dimension.  It isn't without pain, thinking of her absence, but there is also joy in knowing we had fun when she was alive.  This holiday holds so much significance.......celebrating our saints and those who have gone before us.  There is so much meaning in the day and in this family.  As we act like children, I will be reminded of how much she loved this night of dressing up, pretending, decorating and so much more.  We children will prevail.......we always do.

"Oh when the saints, go marching on.....oh when the saints go marching on......"

Distraction....Repetition.....Coping

It's been awhile......I've missed this site, my writing, my outlet, my release.  I find peace, resolve, reflection and healing in writing words......these words that are deep within.  These past weeks, I have been on a different road.....a road that I don't really want to travel right now, but I know I must in order to enter some of the outside living world.....working this "part-time" job.  I like my solitude, my quiet time; it is my journey to travel so please let me live it.  In fact, most books I've read say that it's very normal during a grieving process to shut out the world for awhile.....whatever time that might be.  It doesn't mean that I'm depressed or needing help.  I am sad, I am changed, but it is okay to go within as I am learning about myself, and keeping my few around me.  I know you all are out there, even though I may not talk or return a call, but it's how I must cope.  I'm growing in my relationship with God and with myself.    Some may not understand that journey, and all I can say is that it's my journey to travel.  If you want to come aboard, then follow my movements or not.  I am trying to learn how to live with the most tragic and painful event of my life.   I am forever changed, and I need to do it on my own terms.

In dealing with change, I have taken on this "part time" job which was meant to be a distraction and even a new beginning in living life again, but somehow, it has taken over my daily thoughts.  Given my personality, I perseverate on perfecting whatever it is that I do.  Some might call it an obsession, OCD.....I don't know.....but I always strive to be the best at whatever I do.  As I work with these students; I bring home the emotions and the "work" if you will.  It's a transition in my life that I'm trying to balance, not in time management, but I'm learning how to balance the emotions of students and their needs.  I didn't anticipate that I would be taken in by so many of their emotional needs along with their educational needs.  I keep telling myself that this is where God wants me to be so I must do it.  Perhaps I need a repetitive type job like working in a factory line where I do not have to interact so I can work in a productive sense without the "heart".  There is healing in repetitive work, atleast there is for me.  No doubt, I feel valued and needed where I work, but somehow I feel as though I am forgetting my sister by doing all of this.  So in these days that I haven't written there have been many emotions on so many different levels.  I think of where we were at this time last year, and I wonder what happened?  What the hell happened?  Grief does that......it brings us back and forth each and every day.  We think we are learning to live, understand, breathe......and then it HITS you all over again.......and the tears flow.

On the day before Chrissy's passing, I thought back on what I was doing.....something so strange....sort of abnormal I suppose.  In this craziness of living with the cancer, is anything ever normal again?  On the last day before her death, I was moving about her house with confusion, wondering if her last breaths were near. I left her room with the nurse, who would often take her vitals and such.  I found myself in and out of her room, talking with her sometimes, "doing" just to keep my mind off of what was fast approaching.  We all knew it, but we never spoke it aloud.  There I was in my sister's kitchen making candy.........I was making candy.  It was December, and it was my hobby, my distraction to make cookies and candy during the holidays.  Of course, for Chrissy, my hobby was her trudge.  She liked it when I baked those sweets, and she would often be my tester but baking was not something she cared to do herself.  Some people have their knitting, crocheting, athletic events or wood working.  I have my baking.......it's my escape.  I don't always have the time to do it, but when I do, I relax in the routine movements of the task.  Crazy to some of you I suppose.   It is a stress releaser for me, but still, I thought it strange how I could stand there in her kitchen making candy and cookies.  In the back of my mind, I really thought she might have this miracle moment where she would smell my sweets and come to life like Lazarus did.  On another level, I thought it might bring some normalcy to a very chaotic, out of control situation.  Perhaps baking would keep her here with us.......somehow.  Was it possible?    I really thought these thoughts in my mind.  If she smelled my cookies or candy, which she loved so much, perhaps she would rise out of her bed, taste them and the cancer would miraculously disappear. 

Odd as it seems, I was thinking that back then.....a painful, surreal time for me.  Only recently have I come to realize that it kept me moving and living, and it prevented me from falling to pieces.  Baking was definitely a distraction, a coping method for me.  That day I left my sister's house to pick up my kids from school, prepare dinner, and before I went back to her house......I was forming peanut butter balls!  How strange is THAT???!   There was my sister lying in her bed, and I was rolling peanut butter balls.  When I returned that evening, Chrissy's situation had obviously changed, and I knew any minute could be her last......those moments of her final breaths.  We all knew it was closing in to that hour, but only minutes before I was preparing sweets!  For a while after her death, I crucified myself for doing such trivial things.  Without a doubt, I know I spent quality time with her and I am forever grateful for that time.  Distraction is necessary sometimes as long as you don't stay there.  So as I learn to live again, without her, I do use distraction as a way to cope, and it is okay as long as I don't remain there.  It is there in front of me......always in my shadow, constantly in my daily life......her death is still there and I am learning to cope without her.

Be true to yourself, honor those loving hearts around you and give support when it is needed, not when you want to