Another one has presented itself and has passed. Does it become easier? I don't think so, but we play the part; we must. We ate our usual treats of chili, nachos, hotdogs, kettle corn and so much more. The spooky decorations were sprawled throughout the house and yard, as we greeted the little goblins at my sister's house. As the late afternoon started with our Halloween festivities, there was an anxiousness in my movements. I generally don't like to zip through this special holiday, but this year I did. I tried to stay focused on the kids, their childish antics and costume presentations, but it was not without that lump in my throat. That dreaded lump that lingers behind my held back tears. I loved watching our little Lucy as she smiled with excitement in her giraffe costume collecting her treats from house to house. As photo opts were taken, it doesn't take a genious to see the heartache in little Maria's eyes. At one moment she is playing like an eight year old should play, and the next I watch her take pause....there is an emptiness in her eyes.....a longing. How can there not be? The family can do all we can, her father gives it everything and so much more, but we are still not her mother. Perhaps her subtle expressions are missed by some, maybe seen but unspoken, but you can see it in both of her children's eyes.
We try to make it perfect, the childish antics, the food, the trick-o-treating, but we all still missed her. Chrissy loved to dress up and play pretend on this ghoulish holiday. She was struggling last year at this time, and we all remember it.......her smiling in her mummy costume. She gave it everything she had, and we celebrated! It was so special last year but bittersweet at the same time. With Halloween landing on a Sunday this year and the kids going to school tomorrow, we didn't stay as long as we usually do. We still had our bonfire and laughed some, but the pang in my heart was still there. I wanted to bundle both those babies up and tell them that one day they will feel normal again. One day, life will be okay. As we try to maneuver through this awkwardness, trying to enjoy life these days, we will learn and grow. Our souls will mature and we will know. As always we are grateful for what we have been given, but at the same time we still miss what has been taken. So what else do we do? We move on, enjoy life in the best way we can, breathe in and breathe out.
I want to thank Frank, Susie and Dave, Cassie and Kyle, Marty and Eric for bringing it all together as we did. We did it for the kids......hell we did it for us......to feel some normalcy. We pulled this one off and then we forge ahead to face yet another holiday, another day and each day we will gain strength. That much I know to be true.....we will. The aftermath is full of reflections: aches in my heart while still missing my little sister, gratefulness in my heart for the rest of my family who pulls it together, gratitude for Frank who moves while I know he still misses her so much, anger for the loss of possibilities. It sounds like a cliche sometimes, but it's often said that all we have is here and now. I can't say what will happen tomorrow......we can only hope and dream......but today is all we have in the aftermath. It was celebrated, and the kids loved it!
To all of you, "Happy Halloween!"
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