Brightness Through Cloudy Visions

The other day I was traveling in my car, on my way to pick up Maria for swimming, and I saw the most precious, monumental sky.  This past Thursday, the clouds were in full fall swing, giving you that glimpse of light through the cloudiness, appearing like mountains in the sky.  Many of us at work were even noticing the drastic changes from the morning to the afternoon.  All of us wondering if rain or tornadoes might be possible.  Though it wasn't a rainy, cloud-like darkness, but one of those light-filled cloudy skies, cool and entrancing, taking the shape of distant lands.  Those type of days where you want to make a  huge pot of simmering chilly, sit yourself in front of the fireplace and cozy under the warm blankets with a good book.  That's the kind of day it was. 

These days of reliving what I never thought I would experience in my life; living beside my sister while she was approaching the last days of her living life; wondering how to live my life here on earth without her.  There aren't words to describe watching someone you love suffer, and there isn't much to do but love and support them to the best of your ability.  No words can describe the intensity of your emotions, the helplessness that explodes inside you.  All these memories are once again resurfacing to their fullest.  My emotions are in full swing, and I find myself creeping within once again, trying to avoid human contact.  That's who I am.  While some search for human contact; I find comfort in solitude.

As I was driving Thursday evening, traveling west and watching this gorgeous fall sky;  all these thoughts were rummaging through my mind.  How did it all happen so quick?  That time with her.....while so fortunate given the opportunity to spend time with her; it was all too quick.  Soon will come that day, November 12th, when we learned that there was nothing else medically that could be done to save her.  I remember the date because it was also the birthday of my dear friend, Kris.  I continued to stare up in the skies but also realizing I must look ahead to the road.  I didn't want to crash into someone.....but I couldn't keep my eyes away from that sky.  Metaphorically speaking, I found myself thinking about my own life....how I'm living it.  I am always looking up towards the heavens, hardly able to keep my eyes on the road and hoping I don't crash.

So as I drove looking up at the sky, hardly able to keep my eyes on the road, I saw these rays of sunshine beaming from the sky down to earth......and all I could do was smile.  It's hard to explain, but with all the sadness that lives in my soul, there is also a feeling of joy knowing that those rays were meant for me.  Perhaps thousands of other people driving Manchester Road that day may have seen or felt the same, but somehow I felt that message coming from her.  She knows the sadness that I feel, and without a doubt I felt her.  I felt her telling me that through this grief; I will feel joy without her physical presence because her spiritual presence is always there with me. 

After picking up Maria, I said, "Maria, look up at the sky.....look how bright it is through the clouds and the sun beams reaching down.  That is your mom telling us that she is watching us and you."   I couldn't help myself in telling her that.  As I told Chrissy, I would remind her children of her mother's presence and love for them.  No matter what, I will.  You see, my friends, there is brightness through the cloudy visions.  We read it in sympathy cards or hear it from those who try to comfort us, but we must see it for ourselves.  Look around for those precious moments as they carry us through to the next moments. 

"We may not see the shining of the promises-but still they shine!  And the strength of the hills that is his also, is not for one moment less because of our human weakness.  Heaven is no dream.  Feelings go and come like clouds.  But the "hills" and "stars" abide."

by Amy Carmichael