On this unusual February afternoon, unlike the normal blistering temperatures for this time of year; I gaze upon two little girls lost in their imaginations enoying the warm breezes meant for Spring. They plan the day's events and gather their sweet and savory snacks of corn curls, chips, "creative" sandwiches, cookies and leftover Valentine candies for their special picnic. All are thrown into a picnic basket with their blanket and games. These two little girls, Faith and Maria, remind me so much of Chrissy and me when we would set out on our backyard adventures, sometimes ending in a quarrel as to who would go inside to get the next item. Chrissy and I would build our forts made of sheets and blankets that we would fold into the chain-linked fences, often making new holes that mom would discover weeks later. Marty shoots me a glance as we're doing our paperwork, soft breezes feeling so wonderful, sitting outside overseeing these two little souls who have endured too much loss at such a young age. He remarks to me that if I want to see something that touches your heart, look at Maria and Faith interacting in their playful way, and it does nudge at your heart. Two little girls who find giddy moments in this world that has brought unspeakable experiences to their life, go about this day giggling, screaming and chasing each other as they bother my sons with their pokes and girlish screams.
I see myself in days long ago, as two sisters embarked on new adventures while we tried to erase some of the crazy memories that rocked our world then. We, too, shared the secrets of a family who endured the craziness of our parents' illnesses while trying to bring in some normalcy with some silly playful days. Those memories continue to invade my mind. While some bring on smiles, others I want to erase from my brain, and I wonder, how I wonder what my sissy thinks now. What does she think as she watches her little girl playing with her cousin on this perfect day? Is she smiling at their mischievous antics or is she wishing she could embrace them both and join in on the fun. Perhaps she knows so much more than our earthly lives are permitted to reveal. What comes to mind for me is the shear happiness they both share. Two cousins, two sister friends enjoying each others company. One day there will come a time when they will appreciate these weekends of play and innocence, especially when they face more of life's challenges. They circle the cul-de-sac on their scooters and bikes while the boys chase them down to steal their thunder.....yelling and laughing......enjoying this time of their youth. Oh, it seems like yesterday when we were doing the same; yet, it happened so long ago. Funny, isn't it, how time has flown by of years past. We always say those words, "how time flies" but when death happens, we cherish those times even more, and we want to relive what seems to be lost, but we can't.......only in our mind's eye are we able, and sometimes we smile. Other times it sends forth the tears, and I let them because it's needed. It's painful and healing at the same time, and that's life....it's okay to feel the angst of the pain. After a good cry, we don't wither away or disappear; mostly we get through the loneliness of missing them so much.....if only for a short while. Our face might be puffy and our make-up smeared but we survive it; we always do.
Today, their picnic lunch was a success as it always was back then, too. We're settling in for a sleepover, and more fun to be had. They may not realize it now, but these memories are ones to be cherished. Perhaps one day they will talk of all they fun they had running around, chasing, laughing and so much more. I smile when I watch them as I see my niece looking so much like our Chrissy. They resemble each other so much, not only in their appearance but in their mannerisms, too. I love these days of picnic lunches filled with dreams, hopes and living in the moments, too. Our little girls are us with a mix of you in mine and me in yours.......remember? I wonder, do you remember what we used to say? God played a trick on us: Maria was more like me as a little girl and Faith was more like you. Perhaps one day I will hear your voice again, and you will say, let's have a picnic lunch. Even as adults, we loved our loved our picnic lunches; appreciating them even more when you were sick. Whatever happens......happens......but I will always remember our picnic lunches.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Friendships of the Heart
Valentine's Day.........so many thoughts and feelings in my mind and heart. Many pangs in my heart from friendship love, sister love, romantic love, compassionate and forever true love. Let's take friendship love, for instance, with those whom I have befriended over the years from childhood, high school, college and into my adult life. Perhaps it is their fun energy, their wit, their commonality with me, their dependability, their genuine personalities, their needing me that attracts me to them or them to me. We all befriend people in our lives, mostly without thinking, but ultimately it has its purpose. I tend to gravitate towards those friendships that are dependable, lasting, true because I think that I am a dependable, true, lasting friend. Most importantly, genuine.....I need the genuine friendships. Those friendships know without saying, you understand one another through all of life's surprises, parties and heartaches.
Often, I've found myself having friendships come and go, and I've realized that some friends are needed for only a short time. I used to feel disapppointed by the people who seemed to come and go for various reasons, wondering if their friendships were loyal enough. Then it dawned on me that perhaps, I am needed in their life or theirs in mine for that particular time......for a specific understanding, support or simply enjoyment. Maybe someday it will be needed again, and I've learned to accept that. We're all on different "planes" in our life, and I think it all depends on the needs of our heart, and God knows this; we know it.
Another type of love is that companion, forever love of a spouse, and I know of those people who are feeling the loneliness of life due to death or a divorce, and they seek that companionship for life's sake, trying not to feel the awkwardness of being one, living the new life without their significant other. Their lives forever changed especially at social gatherings.....feeling the loneliness of it all, missing their spouses. Taking on the home responsibilities where two used to make those type of decisions, and now it falls on one. I'm sure they're wondering if they can get through life's events of birthdays, holidays, special events as the "one" instead of "two" becomes more real. For much of my teen life, I spent it as one, when my friends and family usually had boyfriends, I was the one they would try to fix up with someone. My personality was one that I didn't want to depend on another, and spending time with my girlfriends suited me just fine, until there was that special dance or special event that required a date......then the pangs in my heart swelled, and I felt alone, as if no one understood.
Friendships of the heart come in different ways, whether through our significant other, a friend, a child or our sister. She was not only my sister, but she was my sister friend, someone who understood me. I could confide in Chrissy, share all my thoughts, and she knew without me speaking that something was on my mind. She could see it as many others around me couldn't, and I miss that terribly, along with many other parts of our relationship and friendship. For those that "look" into my life: A big THANK YOU to you!! Look to those around you, not only by telling them but by saying it, too. Tell them that you love them because you never know what the next moment might bring. My friendships of the heart, "Happy Valentine's Day, and I love you!"
"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know whatcha gonna get."
- Forest Gump's mom
Often, I've found myself having friendships come and go, and I've realized that some friends are needed for only a short time. I used to feel disapppointed by the people who seemed to come and go for various reasons, wondering if their friendships were loyal enough. Then it dawned on me that perhaps, I am needed in their life or theirs in mine for that particular time......for a specific understanding, support or simply enjoyment. Maybe someday it will be needed again, and I've learned to accept that. We're all on different "planes" in our life, and I think it all depends on the needs of our heart, and God knows this; we know it.
Another type of love is that companion, forever love of a spouse, and I know of those people who are feeling the loneliness of life due to death or a divorce, and they seek that companionship for life's sake, trying not to feel the awkwardness of being one, living the new life without their significant other. Their lives forever changed especially at social gatherings.....feeling the loneliness of it all, missing their spouses. Taking on the home responsibilities where two used to make those type of decisions, and now it falls on one. I'm sure they're wondering if they can get through life's events of birthdays, holidays, special events as the "one" instead of "two" becomes more real. For much of my teen life, I spent it as one, when my friends and family usually had boyfriends, I was the one they would try to fix up with someone. My personality was one that I didn't want to depend on another, and spending time with my girlfriends suited me just fine, until there was that special dance or special event that required a date......then the pangs in my heart swelled, and I felt alone, as if no one understood.
Friendships of the heart come in different ways, whether through our significant other, a friend, a child or our sister. She was not only my sister, but she was my sister friend, someone who understood me. I could confide in Chrissy, share all my thoughts, and she knew without me speaking that something was on my mind. She could see it as many others around me couldn't, and I miss that terribly, along with many other parts of our relationship and friendship. For those that "look" into my life: A big THANK YOU to you!! Look to those around you, not only by telling them but by saying it, too. Tell them that you love them because you never know what the next moment might bring. My friendships of the heart, "Happy Valentine's Day, and I love you!"
"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know whatcha gonna get."
- Forest Gump's mom
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Lasting Impression
Lately, there's this gnawing at my heart, more so than the usual gnawing.....the words and thoughts are always within me, but I seem to be at a standstill; atleast that's how I define it. Today, another friend is undergoing surgery because of breast cancer, and illness amongst friends or family always stops me dead in my tracks. I don't know if you want to call it post traumatic stress, but my heart races, a dryness in the throat occurs and the words don't seem to be released when others are in waiting......waiting for results, post surgery or post biopsies. Life goes on around me, and yet, I feel as though I have stopped emotionally.
Memories of loved ones are lasting impressions that change us forever, and as the world continues to move around me, mine seems to have stopped......that is, emotional movement in my heart. To summarize it in a nutshell.......I call it survival mode. I shut down emotionally to get through the minute, the hour, the day. Every minute is spent asking God to help me through, give me strength and hope to get my kids off to school, to be successful at work, to prepare a meal for the family. I do my duties for the children and I arrive at work ready to work with the students, but my personal emotions are put on hold. That's how I survive, and to some I might seem aloof, but I am surviving the day until the next day when I hope the emotions will be released. Our loved ones are lasting impressions that never go away. Even though some put a time on grief; it is always there. Like the purple elephant in the room, it is always there, but we learn to live with it. Anyone who has lost a loved one must admit that 2 years can go by, 5 or even 10 years but the emotions can hit you like a ton of bricks at any given moment, and you deal with it. You're not always sure why they pop up like they do. The feelings are always in the heart, but they transform in different ways at any given time. We do irrational behavior at times, like throwing things, swearing or crying our heart out, but is it really irrational or survival for ourselves? Others around us might perceive it as strange, but I say to them.....move on if it's uncomfortable for you, and some do. Aren't we all just trying to survive any given moment? Whether in joy, tears, anger or movement, I believe we are all human survivors as we need to be?
Lasting impressions may linger in our minds; moments like our first kiss, the first time, our wedding day, the birth of a child, a special holiday or birthday and perhaps meeting special people. If we have a person in our lives who leaves a lasting impression, how blessed are we. Although some of my stories reveal the sad memories in my heart; I also have had great moments in my life, knowing people who have left a positive lasting impression in my life. I have spoken of my sister, Chrissy, who was taken from this earthly life way too early, who left me with many lasting impressions: her wit, her beauty, her enduring strength in adversity, her sister friendship towards me, her love with her Frank and children. Our family life together, our connections as sisters and women, and her journey with breast cancer are only a few reasons that left me with lasting impressions of her. Her determination to live not only for herself but for her children, and the pain she endured while attempting that uphill battle are definitely a lasting impression, and I've learned so much from her life's journey. One of the reasons I write these stories is to keep her lasting impression alive for myself, her family and others around her. Hoping that I might find more purpose in life and for others to seek purpose in their own lives as well. What urged me to write about this paritcular subject today is that recently my husband recieved recognition that he was nominated for this Lasting Impression Award by one of his teachers, and he will be honored at a Special School District Ceremony in March.
While neither one of us has ever heard nor do we know what this truly means, it was quite an honor for him. He was humbled that anyone would think to nominate him because at his level in the educational tier, one doesn't get many "kudos", other than an occasional thanks from parents and perhaps a kind word from one of his principals or a positive remark on his yearly evaluation from his Director. I suppose in his line of work, while I find it admirable that he's done it for so long and with humor and ease; I see the years in education have caught up with him. Perhaps it's the whole experience with my sister's death that has put his profession under a microscope. Once what was a daily, fulfilling vocation isn't quite meeting the same fulfillment as it once was. What he doesn't always realize is that he IS a lasting impression to many of his staff and students even though it isn't brought to his attention on a daily basis. He is and has always been a lasting impression in my life, and given the circumstances that my family has lived these past few years; he supported, listened and did what needed to be done without question. I'm sure there were times that I was a crazed wild cat giving orders, but he didn't question. Everyday of my life, he makes me laugh with his quirky sort of humor and sarcasm, and while strangers may find it confusing; once you get to know Marty, he is someone that you gravitate towards. He is by no means a saint, and none of us can claim that, but to me he is and will always be a lasting impression.
While the hurriedness of life and emotional times can create craziness; he has been my calm, my lasting impression. My Marty, my love, while annoying as spouses can be sometimes, I am truly grateful for his presence in my life. He was a God send, at a time in my life when I didn't think love was possible to exist in my heart, he broke through the barriers. Congrats, my love, not only for being a lasting impression to your staff, but you have left a lasting impression on my soul.
"We are just lovers witnessing to love, servants reflecting the light of the Master and torchbearers of love and light in our modern darkness, by being lovers and doing ordinary daily tasks for Love's sake and with great love."
by Catherine Doherty
Memories of loved ones are lasting impressions that change us forever, and as the world continues to move around me, mine seems to have stopped......that is, emotional movement in my heart. To summarize it in a nutshell.......I call it survival mode. I shut down emotionally to get through the minute, the hour, the day. Every minute is spent asking God to help me through, give me strength and hope to get my kids off to school, to be successful at work, to prepare a meal for the family. I do my duties for the children and I arrive at work ready to work with the students, but my personal emotions are put on hold. That's how I survive, and to some I might seem aloof, but I am surviving the day until the next day when I hope the emotions will be released. Our loved ones are lasting impressions that never go away. Even though some put a time on grief; it is always there. Like the purple elephant in the room, it is always there, but we learn to live with it. Anyone who has lost a loved one must admit that 2 years can go by, 5 or even 10 years but the emotions can hit you like a ton of bricks at any given moment, and you deal with it. You're not always sure why they pop up like they do. The feelings are always in the heart, but they transform in different ways at any given time. We do irrational behavior at times, like throwing things, swearing or crying our heart out, but is it really irrational or survival for ourselves? Others around us might perceive it as strange, but I say to them.....move on if it's uncomfortable for you, and some do. Aren't we all just trying to survive any given moment? Whether in joy, tears, anger or movement, I believe we are all human survivors as we need to be?
Lasting impressions may linger in our minds; moments like our first kiss, the first time, our wedding day, the birth of a child, a special holiday or birthday and perhaps meeting special people. If we have a person in our lives who leaves a lasting impression, how blessed are we. Although some of my stories reveal the sad memories in my heart; I also have had great moments in my life, knowing people who have left a positive lasting impression in my life. I have spoken of my sister, Chrissy, who was taken from this earthly life way too early, who left me with many lasting impressions: her wit, her beauty, her enduring strength in adversity, her sister friendship towards me, her love with her Frank and children. Our family life together, our connections as sisters and women, and her journey with breast cancer are only a few reasons that left me with lasting impressions of her. Her determination to live not only for herself but for her children, and the pain she endured while attempting that uphill battle are definitely a lasting impression, and I've learned so much from her life's journey. One of the reasons I write these stories is to keep her lasting impression alive for myself, her family and others around her. Hoping that I might find more purpose in life and for others to seek purpose in their own lives as well. What urged me to write about this paritcular subject today is that recently my husband recieved recognition that he was nominated for this Lasting Impression Award by one of his teachers, and he will be honored at a Special School District Ceremony in March.
While neither one of us has ever heard nor do we know what this truly means, it was quite an honor for him. He was humbled that anyone would think to nominate him because at his level in the educational tier, one doesn't get many "kudos", other than an occasional thanks from parents and perhaps a kind word from one of his principals or a positive remark on his yearly evaluation from his Director. I suppose in his line of work, while I find it admirable that he's done it for so long and with humor and ease; I see the years in education have caught up with him. Perhaps it's the whole experience with my sister's death that has put his profession under a microscope. Once what was a daily, fulfilling vocation isn't quite meeting the same fulfillment as it once was. What he doesn't always realize is that he IS a lasting impression to many of his staff and students even though it isn't brought to his attention on a daily basis. He is and has always been a lasting impression in my life, and given the circumstances that my family has lived these past few years; he supported, listened and did what needed to be done without question. I'm sure there were times that I was a crazed wild cat giving orders, but he didn't question. Everyday of my life, he makes me laugh with his quirky sort of humor and sarcasm, and while strangers may find it confusing; once you get to know Marty, he is someone that you gravitate towards. He is by no means a saint, and none of us can claim that, but to me he is and will always be a lasting impression.
While the hurriedness of life and emotional times can create craziness; he has been my calm, my lasting impression. My Marty, my love, while annoying as spouses can be sometimes, I am truly grateful for his presence in my life. He was a God send, at a time in my life when I didn't think love was possible to exist in my heart, he broke through the barriers. Congrats, my love, not only for being a lasting impression to your staff, but you have left a lasting impression on my soul.
"We are just lovers witnessing to love, servants reflecting the light of the Master and torchbearers of love and light in our modern darkness, by being lovers and doing ordinary daily tasks for Love's sake and with great love."
by Catherine Doherty
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