Lasting Impression

Lately, there's this gnawing at my heart, more so than the usual gnawing.....the words and thoughts are always within me, but I seem to be at a standstill; atleast that's how I define it.  Today, another friend is undergoing surgery because of breast cancer, and illness amongst friends or family always stops me dead in my tracks.  I don't know if you want to call it post traumatic stress, but my heart races, a dryness in the throat occurs and the words don't seem to be released when others are in waiting......waiting for results, post surgery or post biopsies.  Life goes on around me, and yet, I feel as though I have stopped emotionally. 

Memories of loved ones are lasting impressions that change us forever, and as the world continues to move around me, mine seems to have stopped......that is, emotional movement in my heart.  To summarize it in a nutshell.......I call it survival mode.  I shut down emotionally to get through the minute, the hour, the day.  Every minute is spent asking God to help me through, give me strength and hope to get my kids off to school, to be successful at work, to prepare a meal for the family.  I do my duties for the children and I arrive at work ready to work with the students, but my personal emotions are put on hold.  That's how I survive, and to some I might seem aloof, but I am surviving the day until the next day when I hope the emotions will be released.  Our loved ones are lasting impressions that never go away.  Even though some put a time on grief; it is always there.  Like the purple elephant in the room, it is always there, but we learn to live with it.  Anyone who has lost a loved one must admit that 2 years can go by, 5 or even 10 years but the emotions can hit you like a ton of bricks at any given moment, and you deal with it.  You're not always sure why they pop up like they do.  The feelings are always in the heart, but they transform in different ways at any given time.  We do irrational behavior at times, like throwing things, swearing or crying our heart out, but is it really irrational or survival for ourselves?  Others around us might perceive it as strange, but I say to them.....move on if it's uncomfortable for you, and some do.  Aren't we all just trying to survive any given moment?  Whether in joy, tears, anger or movement, I believe we are all human survivors as we  need to be? 

Lasting impressions may linger in our minds; moments like our first kiss, the first time, our wedding day, the birth of a child, a special holiday or birthday and perhaps meeting special people.  If  we have a person in our lives who leaves a lasting impression, how blessed are we.  Although some of my stories reveal the sad memories in my heart; I also have had great moments in my life, knowing people who have left a positive lasting impression in my life.  I have spoken of my sister, Chrissy, who was taken from this earthly life way too early, who left me with many lasting impressions:  her wit, her beauty, her enduring strength in adversity, her sister friendship towards me, her love with her Frank and children.  Our family life together, our connections as sisters and women, and her journey with breast cancer are only a few reasons that left me with lasting impressions of her.  Her determination to live not only for herself but for her children, and the pain she endured while attempting that uphill battle are definitely a lasting impression, and I've learned so much from her life's journey.  One of the reasons I write these stories is to keep her lasting impression alive for myself, her family and others around her.  Hoping that I might find more purpose in life and for others to seek purpose in their own lives as well.  What urged me to write about this paritcular subject today is that recently my husband recieved recognition that he was nominated for this Lasting Impression Award by one of his teachers, and he will be honored at a Special School District Ceremony in March.

While neither one of us has ever heard nor do we know what this truly means, it was quite an honor for him.  He was humbled that anyone would think to nominate him because at his level in the educational tier, one doesn't get many "kudos", other than an occasional thanks from parents and perhaps a kind word from one of his principals or a positive remark on his yearly evaluation from his Director.  I suppose in his line of work, while I find it admirable that he's done it for so long and with humor and ease; I see the years in education have caught up with him.  Perhaps it's the whole experience with my sister's death that has put his profession under a microscope.  Once what was a daily, fulfilling vocation isn't quite meeting the same fulfillment as it once was.  What he doesn't always realize is that he IS a lasting impression to many of his staff and students even though it isn't brought to his attention on a daily basis.  He is and has always been a lasting impression in my life, and given the circumstances that my family has lived these past few years; he supported, listened and did what needed to be done without question.   I'm sure there were times that I was a crazed wild cat giving orders, but he didn't question.  Everyday of my life, he makes me laugh with his quirky sort of humor and sarcasm, and while strangers may find it confusing; once you get to know Marty, he is someone that you gravitate towards.  He is by no means a saint, and none of us can claim that, but to me he is and will always be a lasting impression. 

While the hurriedness of life and emotional times can create craziness; he has been my calm, my lasting impression.  My Marty, my love, while annoying as spouses can be sometimes, I am truly grateful for his presence in my life.  He was a God send, at a time in my life when I didn't think love was possible to exist in my heart, he broke through the barriers. Congrats, my love, not only for being a lasting impression to your staff, but you have left a lasting impression on my soul.

"We are just lovers witnessing to love, servants reflecting the light of the Master and torchbearers of love and light in our modern darkness, by being lovers and doing ordinary daily tasks for Love's sake and with great love."

   by Catherine Doherty