Peace or Chaos.....Peace or Chaos???

It's been awhile since I've written for various reasons.  Perhaps there hasn't been enough peace in my life.....more chaos.  That is, more chaos around me, not within.  Chaos of everyday life from activities with the kids, weddings, funerals, holidays, chatter.....so much chatter and noise.  Some of the chaos can be good, while some of it clouds my mind.  I prefer the peace of being and learning.  The need for me to write has been overshadowed by other stuff.....the stuff of life, but I prefer the peace.  Oh how I prefer the peace.  Recently, I came to realize that peace is always within.  It is there....within......but we have to take time in our lives to recognize it or the chaos can consume us.  For many people the chaos is always center stage, but I can't live like that.  Frankly, I can't breathe when I'm around the chaos.  Ultimately, I try to wrap myself inside a shell, and I avoid it as much as possible.  Others interpret that as hurtful or aloofness, but if they only understood.  I am understanding, but the fast-paced world doesn't grasp that.   Isn't that curious?  All the drugs, pain killers and alcohol that are produced and taken daily in this country, and if we only realized that  peace is there all along.  That peace and love is there all along.

The weeks and months since Chrissy's passing have changed me.  The moment she passed my old world didn't exist anymore.......my old way of thinking and living.  A part of me died that early morning when her body died.  I know without a doubt her spirit lives eternally, and it's so difficult for some of us to grasp that, especially in the intense pain of not seeing her in the flesh, but I know with all my heart.....she lives on.    In the beginning of this journey when she was sick, I prayed so intently and begged for so much, not realizing the plan was already set.  My hopes of her being here in the flesh were not meant to be, yet a far greater plan was in place.  In the time that has passed, I've learned a great deal about myself.  I long for peace, and in a world that screams chaos; it has beem challenging  to find that peace......a peace that's always there and given.  Ironic, isn't it?  What happens, though, is that everyday life sometimes pushes us farther and farther from our true selves.....from God.  That statement right there is what I can't seem to grasp.  I have no problem setting up camp right here in my home, with my own peeps, but God doesn't want that for me, and I realize that.  It's the setting foot out in the world that frightens me, especially when so much value is placed on financial success, career success, parental success.....a success which I think has become skewed.  Society places so much value on careers, sports teams, beating everyone else to the punch that I think eternal love for human kind is becoming a joke.  Look at all the chaos on our reality television.  I ask myself what is this world will be like when my children grow up.

So  rather than giving it lip service, I have made a conscious decision to find peace, stillness and pause daily so that perhaps it can become contagious within my own family.  If my kids see it, then they'll pass it along and so on and so on........
Wouldn't that be great?  If all of us stopped and really made daily conscious decisions in our life instead of going fast all the time, living in a fog, and doing what we think others expect of us.  How sad for those that never stop.  While they think they're doing God's work successfully; they're missing the boat.  My hope is to live peacefully, and perhaps our world will live peacefully as well.  It takes one person, doesn't it?  Now imagine more.  Peace or chaos?  I know which one I prefer.  Now can you figure out for yourselves where you are? 

Home Is Where the Heart Is

Our most recent summer family trip had to be the best trip ever, in terms of view, condo comfort, weather, new adventures and tasty food. I've been feeling disconnected for quite some time, and this trip was absolutely necessary for my soul.  I suppose I'm trying to figure out where home is......where is my comfort?  In my unsettled heart, I've been praying and hoping to feel alive again, to feel whole.  I don't know if I'll ever feel that wholeness again.  When a loved one dies, everything is different and finding peace lately felt more like a dream than a reality.  I chartered new territories by parasailing with my son, Eric, on the mesmorizing ocean waters of  Gulf Breeze, Florida.  Guiding us in the boat were young, carefree, bleached blonde young men  who didn't seem to have a care in the world.  Except for figuring out where they would turn their boat as my body drifted across the skies and when to dip my feet in the warm ocean waters; nothing seemed pressing for them.  What a trip that was as my legs dipped into the warm ocean waters......nothing like it!  It was one of the most fantastic experiences of my life, and to do it with my oldest son was even better!   To see the smile on his face was a gift in itself.  As any loving mother knows, the happiness of our children is our number one priority.  As we sped across the sparkling waters, our guide pretended as if the harness wasn't attached properly, and I laughed at the other passenger who sailed her way up frantically.   My family along with another family traveled along in the speed boat as I screamed my way up when it was my turn.  "What do I hold on to???"  These were my last words as I waved goodbye to Marty and the other kids.  In the warmth of the sunlight I viewed a magnificent piece of this world, and I couldn't help but thank God for what He created as I gripped the harness ever so tightly.  Eventually I settled back, and that unsettled feeling left me for a while.  Could this be home?  Of course it was because I was sharing this experience with someone I loved.  No worries engulfed me for that moment in time, and my son commented on what a great site this was......"Nothing like it, mom!"

I don't have a bucket list in my life.  I never had one in the past nor will I have one for the future.  I have set some goals, but in my life the goals have changed along the way with unforseen circumstances.  Some people have "lists" in their life, but I don't.  In this ever changing world I find the lists to be constantly changing, often becoming unreliable, often becoming only a wish.  Often times in life, what you think will happen sometimes doesn't.  It's fine to have dreams, but many of my dreams have already come true.   I go with the flow, even with the daily routines and schedules of my life, but that doesn't always jive in real life, does it?  I don't like to plan too far ahead.  Yes, I have hopes and dreams for my kids and me, but I try to live each day by experiencing the moment and opportunities at hand today.  I believe that we are presented with choices everyday, we make the best of them, search for our purpose and hopefully find the joys in all that we do.  I believe in  life and have learned that my happiness is right here in front of me.  Marty, my kids, my family, and God are right here in front of me.  I don't have to look for them in the oceans, in bucket lists of life or even in other people.  All along happiness is where I am as long as I make it that way.  Home or "comfort" is where I am with people I love and who loves me. 

Many people go through life existing but not noticing all that's around them.  Others fail to notice what's happening in their kids' lives, their own relationships as well as what's happening with themselves.  Some people do, do, do but they don't notice, notice, notice.  On this lovely trip I smiled, yelled, laughed and even cried.  Yes, crying is very okay, and I find it theraputic for the soul.  I didn't whither away but I did feel life!  While others might feel it's a detriment to cry and feel sad; I find that it's a necessary part of growth and healing of the spirit.  I want to feel all the emotions of my life.  Don't get me wrong.  I would prefer not to feel the aching loss of my sister's presence, but in that loss, I want to feel the emotions and release them as well and figure out what to do with that......how to live with it.  It will never go away.  What I find complicated in everyday life is being around people who don't deal or they mask their true emotions.  It takes up too much of my energy, and I don't want to put my energies into pretending.  Why have I felt unsettled?  Perhaps it's dealing with the day to day moments of life, living with the sorrows along with the joys, learning to live without my sister and also pretending for those who don't know what to say.

This trip was needed on so many levels, not only for me, but for my kids and Marty, too.  We haven't taken a trip like this in about three years.  Here in my second year of grieving Chrissy's passing, I've been feeling unsettled for many reasons and longing to see the vast ocean that brings peace and hope.  Hope that Chrissy lives with Jesus and my parents, grandparents and so many others.  Hope that I will reunite with her someday.   In that enormous body of water, I wanted to feel God's presence and experience the peace that seems to have been missing in my life lately.   Its fair to say that I continually search for improving myself, and I felt the nudge to journey to the oceans this year.  Comforts of home can be felt anywhere as long as you're surrounded by love.  The views do help, but I learned that home is where the heart is.  This past week home was in Gulf Breeze, FL and perhaps one day my dream of living near the ocean will happen or not.  It depends on life and what God has planned for me.  Until then being surrounded by people I love is where I want to be.  As the saying goes,  "home is where the heart is".......and that's where home will be.  Whether in the St. Louis area or in the balmy breezes of the ocean, I just want to be with my loved ones.