Second Firsts

This year has been a year of pain, spiritual struggles, learning, growth, some joy and rebirth, thus my entry entitled "Second Firsts."  I didn't create this name, but I borrowed it from a site that I often read that has to do with living and starting new after grief.  Grief is always there within us for those who have lost, but it is learning to go beyond our loss that is so very challenging.  If you asked where I was emotionally this time last year, I would say empty and without joy.  Oh yes, I functioned and did what I needed to do, but I didn't know where I wanted to be.  I didn't know my purpose, I didn't feel anything other than the pain of not having my sister here with me, I didn't understand the world anymore.  I wondered if I ever did.

When your loved one dies, whether it be a spouse, a sibling, a parent, a grandparent, a dear friend, a child; they all have their own journey and pain.  The similarity, though, is living life without them as they once were.  I questioned God's plan, and to me it didn't make any sense at all.  Of course, we all die, but why did she have to leave her children at this age?  It all seemed unfair.  While the world went on with their routines and plans; mine were all changed.  Why were all my plans and dreams taken away?  Why were the children left without a mother, here to take care of them, and do all the motherly things that they deserve?    I couldn't go on living life as I once was because my sister, Chrissy, was a huge part of my life.  We spoke everyday, we saw each other weekly, some weeks everyday.  Our children's lives intertwined as well as our husbands.  We had our challenges as a family, but we depended on each other in many ways.  Those simple conversations and words of wisdom are not there, the shopping trips don't happen, the simple pleasure of sharing our kids' stories don't happen, our fears and joys aren't shared, outings with our kids are without her, planning family events are minus one.  That minus one is now so different.

I think of the character, George Bailey, from the movie "It's a Wonderful Life", and I understand how one person's life has so much meaning to the rest of the world.  My sister, my parents, my grandparents influenced my life in so many ways, and death brought about pain for me but also knowing.  I suppose I came to point in my life last year where I was yearning for understanding.  My journey last year was trying to understand my purpose, Chrissy's purpose, and the purpose of all sorts of familar friends and family.  What was their purpose in my life?  This passed year I have engulfed myself in much reflection, prayer and meditation.  Last year, I knew I had to get out of my house more, hesitantly accepting a part-time job, requesting spiritual guidance through our church, weeding through my heart's desires and the healing has slowly but surely been happening.  I make sure as I wake everyday to give thanks for all the blessings in my life, and finding peace throughout my day by making time for quiet meditation.  As well as giving thanks for my blessings, I have made a conscious effort to stay true to myself and not do what is for everyone else.  I can't live by the standards of anyone elses.  I may not answer a phone or attend a gathering, but I know what I am able to do and what I'm not.  It may offend or upset a friend or family member, but God knows what it is in my heart and what my spirit is capable of dealing with.  These days I experience joy, contentment with life, gratefulness for those who understand me, forgiveness for those people who do not, and I give thanks to our angels and Higher Power. 

These days my second firsts are watching Eric beginning high school, attending his marching band where he is playing percussion, watching Luke and Faith begin their new year with new teachers and watching them grow in their musical abilities and new adventures, babysitting for a toddler again who brightens my soul with his smile.  These days I give thanks for my husband and his new job in Human Resources as he experiences great satisfaction with his new responsibilities.  Nowadays I enjoy my second firsts in enjoying the nature that surrounds, baking at my leisure, making new friends who come into my life, welcoming new events that come our way.  Sometimes I watch Maria and Frankie, sometimes while still difficult, they are making ground.  Maria is a third grader and Frankie began middle school this year.  The early hours are definitely grueling on Frank and Frankie, but the second firsts are are a beginning.......a beginning of new life.  I look forward to the love and joy that God brings into my life.  While some moments are still a remembrance of what was; I now look everyday for the second firsts.  My soul is still on a journey......a journey through this life.......a journey for new beginnings.    

The Smile

Growing up in my neighborhood or going to family gatherings, a comment I often heard was, "Oh, what a beautiful smile you have."  Even as I grew up,  crooked teeth and all,  having braces, people still said that to me.  When I would be tearing up through the painstaking brace experience, extreme pain engulfing every fiber of my mouth, feeling ugly because of all the silver and extra gadgets in my mouth; I would often be comforted by my mom who would say, "Barbie, one day, you will have the most beautiful smile.  Get through this, and it will all be worth it."

God I loved my mom so very much!   She had her faults like any other mom or human being, but one thing that never failed was that she loved us kids to her very last breath, and I always felt that.  True unconditional love is a precious commodity these days, and after talking with many a friend who didn't feel that way in their families, especially from their own parents, I feel so blessed!  No one loved me more than my mom, except for God, and I can say without a doubt that she would have died for me.  What a gift she was and is in my life! 

Some of us use smiling when we're happy, content, using sarcasm, being manipulative or feeling uncomfortable.  Perhaps there's other emotions connected with smiling, and I would venture to say that smiling was sort of a protection for me.  When I was misbehaving or wanted something from my parents or teachers, I wouldn't hesitate bringing out that smile, sometimes adding a slight tilt of the head to make it even more effective.  Over time, it's become a part of me in all sorts of situations, and I've learned that smiling pleases people.  It's not a matter of getting what I want anymore, but it's effective in living a happy life.  I think slapping on a smile calms people, and I would rather smile than wear a sour puss on my face all the time. Who wants to be around that?  My smile wasn't always intentional, but it just happened.  All of us are given that smiling gift, and I suppose I've learned to use it.  My parents taught me to be kind and nice to people, and the smile was a way to ease into any introduction.  It doesn't really matter if you have teeth or lips either, a smile permeates through our tone of voice, through our tender eyes, through the heart. 

Many years ago I happened to meet a certain "professional" when I was an interpreter.  She unknowingly made the comment to a dear friend of mine that the person in her classroom last year smiled too much.  I must also mention that this "professional" should have never become a teacher.  She was rude, arrogant and lacked so much knowledge when it came to the teaching arena.  As an interpreter, I had to bite my tongue as she was barely passable as a human being, much less a teacher.  I suppose that's why I must have smiled so much in her classroom.  As my Aunt Marie used to say, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."  I would add a little more to that good advice, and say, "Smile, too, when you don't say anything!"

In all the spiritual and self-help books that I've read, they suggest that smiling not only helps the receiver but it also helps our own souls.  There's definitely a chain reaction when someone smiles.  Think about it.  Of course, you want to be aware of your surroundings at all times, but in most situations a smile is the best gift you can give anyone.  Last year sometime, I remember our parish priest talking about the gift of a smile.  Perhaps we think that evangelizing about our faith in Christ has to do with knowing the Bible verses inside and out, but really that's not it at all.  Our priest said that the best way you can bring someone closer to God is to share a smile.  It doesn't mean that we go into a dark alley and smile at the rapist, but in everyday life let's try to smile at the grocery clerk, people at our schools, co-workers at our jobs, members of our church, our neighbors and so on.  We don't always know what someone might be dealing with that day, and a smile could change their whole day......perhaps even change their lives. 

As I travel this life's journey, I continue to ask many questions, but my number one question is this:  "What is my purpose in life that will give glory to God?"  Some days I wake with a smile, and some days it takes me a little longer to find that smile.  As I continue to learn and grow, I will carry with me my smile.  It's free and very effective in life.  In all the turmoil that has rocked this nation lately, think of where this world might be if we all just smiled a bit more?  Bare with me now, I'm feeling a bit nostalgic.  I can't help but think of that song when I was a Brownie for one year, and then I quit (that's another story).  If you were a Brownie, too, you'll remember it! 
"I have something in my pocket, it belongs across my face.  I keep it very close at hand in the most convenient place.  I'm sure you couldn't guess it if you guessed a long long while.  But I'll take it out and put it on, it's a great big Brownie SMILE."

Yikes it's time to go to bed!