Second Firsts

This year has been a year of pain, spiritual struggles, learning, growth, some joy and rebirth, thus my entry entitled "Second Firsts."  I didn't create this name, but I borrowed it from a site that I often read that has to do with living and starting new after grief.  Grief is always there within us for those who have lost, but it is learning to go beyond our loss that is so very challenging.  If you asked where I was emotionally this time last year, I would say empty and without joy.  Oh yes, I functioned and did what I needed to do, but I didn't know where I wanted to be.  I didn't know my purpose, I didn't feel anything other than the pain of not having my sister here with me, I didn't understand the world anymore.  I wondered if I ever did.

When your loved one dies, whether it be a spouse, a sibling, a parent, a grandparent, a dear friend, a child; they all have their own journey and pain.  The similarity, though, is living life without them as they once were.  I questioned God's plan, and to me it didn't make any sense at all.  Of course, we all die, but why did she have to leave her children at this age?  It all seemed unfair.  While the world went on with their routines and plans; mine were all changed.  Why were all my plans and dreams taken away?  Why were the children left without a mother, here to take care of them, and do all the motherly things that they deserve?    I couldn't go on living life as I once was because my sister, Chrissy, was a huge part of my life.  We spoke everyday, we saw each other weekly, some weeks everyday.  Our children's lives intertwined as well as our husbands.  We had our challenges as a family, but we depended on each other in many ways.  Those simple conversations and words of wisdom are not there, the shopping trips don't happen, the simple pleasure of sharing our kids' stories don't happen, our fears and joys aren't shared, outings with our kids are without her, planning family events are minus one.  That minus one is now so different.

I think of the character, George Bailey, from the movie "It's a Wonderful Life", and I understand how one person's life has so much meaning to the rest of the world.  My sister, my parents, my grandparents influenced my life in so many ways, and death brought about pain for me but also knowing.  I suppose I came to point in my life last year where I was yearning for understanding.  My journey last year was trying to understand my purpose, Chrissy's purpose, and the purpose of all sorts of familar friends and family.  What was their purpose in my life?  This passed year I have engulfed myself in much reflection, prayer and meditation.  Last year, I knew I had to get out of my house more, hesitantly accepting a part-time job, requesting spiritual guidance through our church, weeding through my heart's desires and the healing has slowly but surely been happening.  I make sure as I wake everyday to give thanks for all the blessings in my life, and finding peace throughout my day by making time for quiet meditation.  As well as giving thanks for my blessings, I have made a conscious effort to stay true to myself and not do what is for everyone else.  I can't live by the standards of anyone elses.  I may not answer a phone or attend a gathering, but I know what I am able to do and what I'm not.  It may offend or upset a friend or family member, but God knows what it is in my heart and what my spirit is capable of dealing with.  These days I experience joy, contentment with life, gratefulness for those who understand me, forgiveness for those people who do not, and I give thanks to our angels and Higher Power. 

These days my second firsts are watching Eric beginning high school, attending his marching band where he is playing percussion, watching Luke and Faith begin their new year with new teachers and watching them grow in their musical abilities and new adventures, babysitting for a toddler again who brightens my soul with his smile.  These days I give thanks for my husband and his new job in Human Resources as he experiences great satisfaction with his new responsibilities.  Nowadays I enjoy my second firsts in enjoying the nature that surrounds, baking at my leisure, making new friends who come into my life, welcoming new events that come our way.  Sometimes I watch Maria and Frankie, sometimes while still difficult, they are making ground.  Maria is a third grader and Frankie began middle school this year.  The early hours are definitely grueling on Frank and Frankie, but the second firsts are are a beginning.......a beginning of new life.  I look forward to the love and joy that God brings into my life.  While some moments are still a remembrance of what was; I now look everyday for the second firsts.  My soul is still on a journey......a journey through this life.......a journey for new beginnings.