Am I Doing Enough, Am I Where I Need To Be, Am I Paying It Forward?

My inspiration today is from a pilot series that aired last night on television called, "Touch."  Normally I wouldn't use my website for advertising a television program, but this particular show is very different and struck a cord with me. The dad is played by Kiefer Sutherland, who has a son that appears to have autism.  The message I heard after watching this pilot was how we are all connected in some way throughout the world, nothing is by chance, and to what length would you go to help another human being?  Although some of the events seemed quite inflated and not possible; I tried to keep an open mind, and I asked myself how this pertained to my own life.  Am I doing enough or noticing the messages that are put before me each and every day?  The first episode after this pilot will not be aired until March 19th on the Fox network.  Try to Google: "Touch" on the Fox network and take a peek.  It's a drama, and at the very least something quite different than the usual.

When the loss of a dear loved one has invaded your life, many of us consider our own lives and where we need to be.  If we've learned any lesson in death around us, it's to take a life inventory and adjust our own values perhaps, taking into account what really matters in life.   In the days, weeks and years since my parents' passing, my values have taken root, and I knew from early on that family, faith and love were more important than anything tangible in this world.  It is clear to me now that I was never influenced strongly by a certain career.  I knew that life could change in a moment's notice, so being constantly centered on a career did not consume my life; rather, knowing I needed to support myself did.

While I give thanks to God for my husband, our home, the food on our table, our clothes and a secure job that helps us live where we do; I realize it is a blessing and not a given.  I look around  at all the material needs some folks have with this wavering economy, and I bow down before the Great One because not all are as fortunate as myself.  I don't have a mansion or fancy cars, but I have a warm, comfortable home with flourishing schools, a Leave It to Beaver type neighborhood and a vehicle that gets me to where I need to be (most days).  My closet isn't filled with designer clothes or upscale shoes, but the clothes I wear serve their purpose, protect me and have a sense of style at times.  There isn't a vacation home awaiting us whenever we feel the need to getaway, but we have had the privilege of taking relaxing vacations that the kids will cherish forever.  My jewels are few, but I have many keepsakes that hold priceless value because of the loved ones who gave them to me.  When I look at all the blessings given to me, I take pause as should most of us.  Many of us have these things that may not be worth a great deal on the market, but they are keepsakes in our heart and we have material items that help us freely navigate throughout the day than most do in the world.

So the ultimate question I have asked myself for many years is "Am I where I need to be?"  Am I doing the work in this world that I was meant to do?  Is this God's plan for my life?  Do I notice those in need and take action?  Do I tithe and give where I am financially able?  Am I using the gifts that I was given to help my fellow man?  Are you where you need to be?  If you met God tomorrow, would you be able to share with him your total devotion to Him?

If you happen to know of a death in a family or an unforseen tragedy, take notice, especially to those people who are friends or neighbors.  Maybe your gift is writing so send a note or card telling that person that you are thinking of them.  For all you talkers out there, make a phone call and say, "I'm thinking about you, how are you today?"  Some of you may be decent at cooking or baking, then prepare a meal or dessert.  Perhaps some of you are more financially able to give, then send a gift card that could be used at a later time or make a donation to your favorite charity in their loved one's name.  Some of us might be better at prayer then PRAY, but let that person know through a phone call or card that you are doing that.  Genuine sincerity is key, but if you're still at a loss about what to do then talk with a friend or your spouse and ask for their input.  Chances are someone you know has experienced loss or illness in a family and they could offer suggestions.  The bottom line is this:  ask yourself if you're doing enough in helping mankind, with helping a family member or helping a friend.  Don't let time pass you by, touch another by lending a helping hand, offering words of support........pay it forward.

Be A Big Girl

This holiday season I know there are many who are struggling with so much more grief, pain or turmoil than myself.  I think of my sister-in-law, Connie, who continues to fight her cancer battle, and is now heading to MD Anderson in Texas to find some remedies.  I am witness to her bravery, her spirit, her continued faithfulness to God, and I tell myself to be a big girl, stop thinking about what you don't have.  I continue to write my thoughts as it gives me peace and a sense of relief to recount some of the stories of my family, and sometimes unload some thoughts.  I feel blessed with the very air that I breathe, the family and friends that God has blessed me with and with my amazing children that I cherish each and every day, whether I loose my temper on some days while on other days I can laugh with them.  They are the reason for me to get up each and every morning and to make every day count.  There's never a day that goes by that I don't reflect on my purpose in life.  When I think about such things, my mind may wonder, my facial expressions may lead someone to think that something is wrong.  Perhaps the blank stare on my face might be interpreted as one of sadness, but it's different emotions that pass in and out.....sometimes all at the same time. Sometimes I find myself observing what is right in front of me and giving thanks and feeling peace.

One of the phrases that Chrissy and I used to share with each other when we were dealing with a difficult situation, and we wanted to get through it was to say to ourselves: "Be a big girl."  We used to use that phrase especially before a trip to the doctor, where we knew we would be getting a SHOT!!  We tried to psyche ourselves out that saying those words would lessen the pain.  We found ourselves laughing at times, so perhaps the pain vanished between our chuckles.  Those few words were like an invisible bandaid, and magical words that lasted us through our adult years.  A few months ago, I felt myself slipping again, slipping into that ol' familiar feeling of deep sadness or grief.  Truly seeing what was missing.....she was missing.....and it wasn't what I wanted for her kids or for Frank, and I especially didn't envision this to happen in my  life or her life.  It wasn't supposed to happen, but it did.  I was feeling all those emotions I felt when she was experiencing her physical pain and the helplessness I felt then seemed to be returning.  I longed to talk with her and share those same conversations we used to, but when those discussions weren't there or when our laughs were not being exchanged; it hit me like a ton of bricks. I lost my breath yet again, and the deep sadness returned.  The sadness is always there, but there's another sadness that goes deeper, the one that cuts deeper.  It's at that very moment when you reach the realization that nothing will ever be the same.  I've been here before dark place.  I left briefly, but here I am again.  Life as I once knew it will never be the same.....

I find myself repeating these familiar words:  "Not only do I miss and long to see her face, but my life as it once was will never be the same."  All the dreams, the visions, the future plans have all vanished and new ones have to be exchanged.  Thus begins the long journey of learning and finding the new.  It is then that I whisper this phrase in my mind:  "Be a big girl.....BE A BIG GIRL!!!"   I don't care to talk with others these days except my husband, my children and those in my inner circle. Sometimes the everyday conversations are like salt hitting a wound.  I play along and smile, but my mind wanders.   I don't care to hear, and I know that sounds terrible, but I don't have the energy to listen about your busy schedules or your aches and pains. So this past month, if I was invited to an event that I really didn't want to attend, I repeated those words to myself.  If I was engaging in a conversation, I repeated those words still. When Thanksgiving approached I prayed and whispered those words again, and it helped.  Oddly enough, I began to smile as Christmas time beckoned.  When the date of her death approached, I said them to myself so much that it seemed as though Chrissy herself was talking to me.  It was then that I imagined the tremendous joy my sister must be feeling being in the presence with Jesus, my parents, my grandparents and all the others who have passed before me.  I think heaven is so much more than our mind can even grasp.  Perhaps that is why it is so challenging sometimes to relate to their joy rather than our sorrow.   I can only imagine..........so then my grief appears as selfish, doesn't it?  That's what I'm thinking today. I hope she understands......I hope God understands.  I thank God for the friendship I had with my sister and for the words, "Be a big girl."  In this year of 2012 I will try to be a big girl, but remember that some days I just might be having a little girl day.