Be A Big Girl

This holiday season I know there are many who are struggling with so much more grief, pain or turmoil than myself.  I think of my sister-in-law, Connie, who continues to fight her cancer battle, and is now heading to MD Anderson in Texas to find some remedies.  I am witness to her bravery, her spirit, her continued faithfulness to God, and I tell myself to be a big girl, stop thinking about what you don't have.  I continue to write my thoughts as it gives me peace and a sense of relief to recount some of the stories of my family, and sometimes unload some thoughts.  I feel blessed with the very air that I breathe, the family and friends that God has blessed me with and with my amazing children that I cherish each and every day, whether I loose my temper on some days while on other days I can laugh with them.  They are the reason for me to get up each and every morning and to make every day count.  There's never a day that goes by that I don't reflect on my purpose in life.  When I think about such things, my mind may wonder, my facial expressions may lead someone to think that something is wrong.  Perhaps the blank stare on my face might be interpreted as one of sadness, but it's different emotions that pass in and out.....sometimes all at the same time. Sometimes I find myself observing what is right in front of me and giving thanks and feeling peace.

One of the phrases that Chrissy and I used to share with each other when we were dealing with a difficult situation, and we wanted to get through it was to say to ourselves: "Be a big girl."  We used to use that phrase especially before a trip to the doctor, where we knew we would be getting a SHOT!!  We tried to psyche ourselves out that saying those words would lessen the pain.  We found ourselves laughing at times, so perhaps the pain vanished between our chuckles.  Those few words were like an invisible bandaid, and magical words that lasted us through our adult years.  A few months ago, I felt myself slipping again, slipping into that ol' familiar feeling of deep sadness or grief.  Truly seeing what was missing.....she was missing.....and it wasn't what I wanted for her kids or for Frank, and I especially didn't envision this to happen in my  life or her life.  It wasn't supposed to happen, but it did.  I was feeling all those emotions I felt when she was experiencing her physical pain and the helplessness I felt then seemed to be returning.  I longed to talk with her and share those same conversations we used to, but when those discussions weren't there or when our laughs were not being exchanged; it hit me like a ton of bricks. I lost my breath yet again, and the deep sadness returned.  The sadness is always there, but there's another sadness that goes deeper, the one that cuts deeper.  It's at that very moment when you reach the realization that nothing will ever be the same.  I've been here before dark place.  I left briefly, but here I am again.  Life as I once knew it will never be the same.....

I find myself repeating these familiar words:  "Not only do I miss and long to see her face, but my life as it once was will never be the same."  All the dreams, the visions, the future plans have all vanished and new ones have to be exchanged.  Thus begins the long journey of learning and finding the new.  It is then that I whisper this phrase in my mind:  "Be a big girl.....BE A BIG GIRL!!!"   I don't care to talk with others these days except my husband, my children and those in my inner circle. Sometimes the everyday conversations are like salt hitting a wound.  I play along and smile, but my mind wanders.   I don't care to hear, and I know that sounds terrible, but I don't have the energy to listen about your busy schedules or your aches and pains. So this past month, if I was invited to an event that I really didn't want to attend, I repeated those words to myself.  If I was engaging in a conversation, I repeated those words still. When Thanksgiving approached I prayed and whispered those words again, and it helped.  Oddly enough, I began to smile as Christmas time beckoned.  When the date of her death approached, I said them to myself so much that it seemed as though Chrissy herself was talking to me.  It was then that I imagined the tremendous joy my sister must be feeling being in the presence with Jesus, my parents, my grandparents and all the others who have passed before me.  I think heaven is so much more than our mind can even grasp.  Perhaps that is why it is so challenging sometimes to relate to their joy rather than our sorrow.   I can only imagine..........so then my grief appears as selfish, doesn't it?  That's what I'm thinking today. I hope she understands......I hope God understands.  I thank God for the friendship I had with my sister and for the words, "Be a big girl."  In this year of 2012 I will try to be a big girl, but remember that some days I just might be having a little girl day.