This day has rolled around again.....it's been 3 years since the passing of my little sister, Chrissy. It's not an easy day, but all the days inbetween aren't easy either. But this day is a poignant reminder of what happened in this month, her journey through life, and the heart wrenching days just before her last breaths. It's so permanent; it's here to stay. I look back and wish I would have changed a few things. I was strong in her eyes, but I was so vulnerable inside. I wish I had shown her my tears, I wish I could have said "good-bye", but I couldn't. I always had hope until the very last moment. Hope that my miracle would show itself, but that was not the plan. I curse His plan sometimes because it hurts. All that's lost and never meant to happen hurts. I'm trying to be a Big Girl, sissy, but it's so hard. I can't seem to hold back my tears, but I must try. The little ones look to us for guidance and strength.
It's been three years, and I've grown and learned a lot. I am able to laugh and sing at certain times, and sometimes I'm not. But isn't that life? Sometimes the fog and clouds move in and sometimes the sun appears. I still think of you everyday of my life, and the kids still ask about you. We haven't forgotten. Others may have, but I never will. life is a journey. We live.....we live on....but we'll never forget and we'll never stop missing you!
Love, hope and peace to you my heavenly sister......
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Where Is Fun Barbie?
I remember when Chrissy used to ask me this funny question when were hanging out for the evening. "Is Fun Barbie Coming out tonight?" Sometimes she would get impatient with me if I was too quiet or not drinking alcohol quick enough, and she would plead with me and ask, "Where is fun Barbie????" I have to laugh because Fun Barbie would only appear at certain times because most of my life I have felt that I needed to be in control. Maybe it's that Catholic guilt thing where I felt compelled to be on my best behavior or something bad would happen. I always was looked upon as the good girl in my family so maybe I felt that Fun Barbie wasn't acceptable around the family...I had to live up to how they saw me. Maybe it boils down to who I really was, and I really was and am a shy, private person. When Fun Barbie did appear, that meant my guard was down, and who knows what would happen while I was out with my sisters or girlfriends. Chrissy came to know that part of me as we grew older; her in her teens and me in my young twenties. It was then that our bond was growing much closer. She saw a side of me that wasn't the protecting older sister; rather, she saw me as an equal and someone she could trust.
It's been two and a half years since Chrissy's passing, and I can honestly say that Fun Barbie hasn't appeared. I've laughed and been to some parties, and even drank my share of alcohol, but that girl hasn't emerged as she once did, and I'm not sure she ever will. I'm not the same person as I was, nor will I ever be. Which leads me to the question that I've been asked: "How are you?" "How are Frank and the kids?" Sometimes I really don't know how to respond to those questions because I wonder if you really want to hear it. Do you really want to know some of the heartwrenching moments that go along with losing a close family member, losing a mom when you haven't even begun to ride a bike? When a child tells you their mother is dead, how would you respond? When a child is crying because they can't remember the voice of their mother, what would you say to that? If I told you I couldn't taste food for over 6 months after Chrissy's death, would you believe me? Ask my husband, he remembers. Months after Chrissy's death, food had no taste for me....I was numb inside and out. I would pinch myself sometime to see if it hurt because for a long while as you're grieving, you literally feel numb. It all depends on who is asking the question and when you ask it. For some of you, my real response would be uncomfortable for you to hear. You haven't experienced it, and you have no idea, even if you think you do. My thoughts, my agenda, my dreams, my hopes these days aren't on the same playing field with most. I don't think I could explain nor would you comprehend how I'm doing. I used to think you would, but you really don't get it, not unless you've experience it. These days, I find myself retreating from most social situations. It is not where I want to be. I prefer the quiet, reading, observing, praying or being with my husband and kids. It is there where I feel most comfortable. It is there where I find the most peace, a place where I feel energized with the Divine Spirit.
Don't misunderstand me, though. I appreciate every aspect of life, from what I see, hear and observe. I appreciate the giggles in children, the breath of a newborn baby sleeping, the sight of Christmas lights on a tree. I enjoy the taste of a fresh, crisp salad and the soul that goes into a home-cooked meal. I savor the warm winds on a spring day, the sound of crunching leaves in the cool air of fall, the white, blue skies in the depths of the winter chills. I immerse myself in the sunsets and sunrises, especially over the oceans. I look forward to the cold nose of my dog who nudges me every morning and evening. All the sights of nature are a gift, and I appreciate every minute that I'm able to be witness to God's glory. I appreciate the kind hearts from strangers or the sincere questions from friends. It's all good......it's all good, but I am different.
I imagine Chrissy is asking, "Where is Fun Barbie these days?" I would tell her that she died with you. On December 11th, 2009, Fun Barbie left with you.
"Rest More With Me. Alone, away from the noise and activity, from these times you come forth filled with Spirit."
It's been two and a half years since Chrissy's passing, and I can honestly say that Fun Barbie hasn't appeared. I've laughed and been to some parties, and even drank my share of alcohol, but that girl hasn't emerged as she once did, and I'm not sure she ever will. I'm not the same person as I was, nor will I ever be. Which leads me to the question that I've been asked: "How are you?" "How are Frank and the kids?" Sometimes I really don't know how to respond to those questions because I wonder if you really want to hear it. Do you really want to know some of the heartwrenching moments that go along with losing a close family member, losing a mom when you haven't even begun to ride a bike? When a child tells you their mother is dead, how would you respond? When a child is crying because they can't remember the voice of their mother, what would you say to that? If I told you I couldn't taste food for over 6 months after Chrissy's death, would you believe me? Ask my husband, he remembers. Months after Chrissy's death, food had no taste for me....I was numb inside and out. I would pinch myself sometime to see if it hurt because for a long while as you're grieving, you literally feel numb. It all depends on who is asking the question and when you ask it. For some of you, my real response would be uncomfortable for you to hear. You haven't experienced it, and you have no idea, even if you think you do. My thoughts, my agenda, my dreams, my hopes these days aren't on the same playing field with most. I don't think I could explain nor would you comprehend how I'm doing. I used to think you would, but you really don't get it, not unless you've experience it. These days, I find myself retreating from most social situations. It is not where I want to be. I prefer the quiet, reading, observing, praying or being with my husband and kids. It is there where I feel most comfortable. It is there where I find the most peace, a place where I feel energized with the Divine Spirit.
Don't misunderstand me, though. I appreciate every aspect of life, from what I see, hear and observe. I appreciate the giggles in children, the breath of a newborn baby sleeping, the sight of Christmas lights on a tree. I enjoy the taste of a fresh, crisp salad and the soul that goes into a home-cooked meal. I savor the warm winds on a spring day, the sound of crunching leaves in the cool air of fall, the white, blue skies in the depths of the winter chills. I immerse myself in the sunsets and sunrises, especially over the oceans. I look forward to the cold nose of my dog who nudges me every morning and evening. All the sights of nature are a gift, and I appreciate every minute that I'm able to be witness to God's glory. I appreciate the kind hearts from strangers or the sincere questions from friends. It's all good......it's all good, but I am different.
I imagine Chrissy is asking, "Where is Fun Barbie these days?" I would tell her that she died with you. On December 11th, 2009, Fun Barbie left with you.
"Rest More With Me. Alone, away from the noise and activity, from these times you come forth filled with Spirit."
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Who Are We?
What makes you......YOU? Perhaps it's the people around us or the experiences through time that make us who we are. Some say it's genetics. No matter what experiences we may have had, we're made in the image of a higher power destined to form some purpose in life. It is what it is no matter what experiences we have. So if that is true, why do we have those experiences in the first place?
Some of us go through a lifetime searching for that purpose and never seem to pinpoint it. Maybe we've missed signs along the way that gave us clues to some task we're meant to perform. Perhaps a friend goes unfound, some drama doesn't unfold, some heart is left unloved, an experienced isn't learned from because we've chosen a certain path. Hmmm? It's quite interesting, isn't it? I think about these things while others may not give it a second thought. There are some who complain everyday and find no happiness whatsoever, missing all the beauty around them while others always complain about who did what to whom convinced that the world is some sort of shit hole. Some claim they don't experience any pain or suffering and wonder why the ney sayers are saying anything at all. They only see the good in everything. That's okay, too, but don't we learn from our mistakes, from pain, from misfortune?
Many successful people in this world, whether they're in the entertainment business or in the business sector, have experienced upset, pain and suffering, only to live through their past and thrive with what lies before them. I'd like to think I was in the latter. I'd like to think that I've grasped the pain and joy, learned from it all and trying to accept what lies before me. Whether I like what it is or not, it is what it is. We mingle in and out of relationships, experiences and time. The work lies in taking hold of what is given, learn to work through it, accept it and learn from it all. For some of us it takes time, reflection, prayer, forgiveness and reasoning. For others it never takes hold, it's never thought about, and there is no resolve. They just go about their life never knowing, never learning and never letting anyone in. Perhaps it's too painful to deal with it all so they might get lost in their work, alcohol or drug abuse or some other way to mask their inner selves.
What it all boils down to is this. We're born for an ultimate purpose in life to learn, live and love. Along the way there are bumps in the road such as new love, death, joy and suffering, but we have to work through the pain, accept it, FEEL it and decide who we are going to be. Are you inner directed where you only think about YOU and what YOUR needs are? Are you outer directed where you only think about other people? Are you a mix of both, feeding your inner needs while still helping others? I'd like to think I'm a mix of both at this time in my life, trying to figure it all out while finding balance, too. If we all find balance within ourselves, then doesn't that lend itself to balance in the whole world? Wouldn't that be nice? If we all figure out who we are, why we're here, then we'll be in perfect balance. Who are we? We're people trying to figure it all out....at least some of us are.
Some of us go through a lifetime searching for that purpose and never seem to pinpoint it. Maybe we've missed signs along the way that gave us clues to some task we're meant to perform. Perhaps a friend goes unfound, some drama doesn't unfold, some heart is left unloved, an experienced isn't learned from because we've chosen a certain path. Hmmm? It's quite interesting, isn't it? I think about these things while others may not give it a second thought. There are some who complain everyday and find no happiness whatsoever, missing all the beauty around them while others always complain about who did what to whom convinced that the world is some sort of shit hole. Some claim they don't experience any pain or suffering and wonder why the ney sayers are saying anything at all. They only see the good in everything. That's okay, too, but don't we learn from our mistakes, from pain, from misfortune?
Many successful people in this world, whether they're in the entertainment business or in the business sector, have experienced upset, pain and suffering, only to live through their past and thrive with what lies before them. I'd like to think I was in the latter. I'd like to think that I've grasped the pain and joy, learned from it all and trying to accept what lies before me. Whether I like what it is or not, it is what it is. We mingle in and out of relationships, experiences and time. The work lies in taking hold of what is given, learn to work through it, accept it and learn from it all. For some of us it takes time, reflection, prayer, forgiveness and reasoning. For others it never takes hold, it's never thought about, and there is no resolve. They just go about their life never knowing, never learning and never letting anyone in. Perhaps it's too painful to deal with it all so they might get lost in their work, alcohol or drug abuse or some other way to mask their inner selves.
What it all boils down to is this. We're born for an ultimate purpose in life to learn, live and love. Along the way there are bumps in the road such as new love, death, joy and suffering, but we have to work through the pain, accept it, FEEL it and decide who we are going to be. Are you inner directed where you only think about YOU and what YOUR needs are? Are you outer directed where you only think about other people? Are you a mix of both, feeding your inner needs while still helping others? I'd like to think I'm a mix of both at this time in my life, trying to figure it all out while finding balance, too. If we all find balance within ourselves, then doesn't that lend itself to balance in the whole world? Wouldn't that be nice? If we all figure out who we are, why we're here, then we'll be in perfect balance. Who are we? We're people trying to figure it all out....at least some of us are.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Constance Jean Byrd Made A Difference
If you saw her in a crowd, she would probably be smiling. If you saw her at church, you would see her praying. If you saw her with her family, you would see her happy. She wasn't a saint, as none of us are on this earth, but she was a loving sister, a devoted wife, a caring step-mother, a constant friend. Connie was my sister-in-law, and today I dedicate this entry to her. As she lives in the presence of God in His heavenly kingdom, I give thanks for having known her and being witness to her steadfast love for our God no matter what circumstances she was given.
Today, I want you to think of Connie, a woman who was not only trying to win the fight against colon cancer, but she was a faithful servant who never gave up on her God and was selfless in her actions and words. She may have lost her physical body in this life, but I have no doubt that she is soaring in her spiritual body in heaven. She wasn't a saint or president of any group that I'm aware of, but she was a PSR teacher, a devout attendee in adoration to our Lord, a prayer partner, one of the most faithful people I've met, a loving wife to her beloved Gerry, a generous, caring aunt to my children and so many other nieces and nephews. She never expected any thanks in return, but she was always a watchful eye over our children. She was a tender-hearted individual who always thought of the cross others had to bear versus her own struggle. I was witness to someone who accepted what God's plan was for her, and she never gave up the fight for her life. Until the end of her earthly journey, she thought of everyone else but herself.
There's no doubt she may have said a cross a word or two, but haven't we all at some time or other? If I had to look back on my life, I know I would have had a list of sinful thoughts, actions or words. I ask forgiveness everyday to my God as I know she did, too. I think if we recognize our own faults, ask for God's forgiveness and try to make a difference, then isn't that perhaps our purpose.......making a difference? Connie would not want me to portray her as a saint, but if I had to name a person who was an example of a true, devout Catholic, it would be her. I am nowhere near there, but I am purposeful, I do look beyond myself as did she. I give thanks to God for her presence not only in my life and my children's lives, but in my husband's life because he is a loving husband, a caring father and a man of God. His choices in life are partly due to his sister's influence. She was someone who took care of Marty when he was young and read to him while his mother went to work. Perhaps his tender heart is a direct result of who she was.....why not? Aren't we a link to our past? While some may curse their families and the experiences they had; others welcome them all, because they help shape the people we have become.
During her final week on this earth, I expressed my concerns for her and even then her response was, "Barbie, we all have to travel this journey, and it's my turn. All I can think about is your Chrissy and how young she was, and her Frankie and Maria. How hard that must have been for her." Connie was only 60 years young herself. God bless her for that comment, but that's who she was.
We should ask ourselves many questions when a dear one dies; it's a part of the journey. Some questions may never get answered, but perhaps the most important question we should ask of ourselves is this: "Have we done enough?" For some, that question may go right over their heads because they'll just never get there and for the rest of us, we keep on trying, learning and hopefully giving. Cheers to you my dear Connie......you were someone who made a difference.
Today, I want you to think of Connie, a woman who was not only trying to win the fight against colon cancer, but she was a faithful servant who never gave up on her God and was selfless in her actions and words. She may have lost her physical body in this life, but I have no doubt that she is soaring in her spiritual body in heaven. She wasn't a saint or president of any group that I'm aware of, but she was a PSR teacher, a devout attendee in adoration to our Lord, a prayer partner, one of the most faithful people I've met, a loving wife to her beloved Gerry, a generous, caring aunt to my children and so many other nieces and nephews. She never expected any thanks in return, but she was always a watchful eye over our children. She was a tender-hearted individual who always thought of the cross others had to bear versus her own struggle. I was witness to someone who accepted what God's plan was for her, and she never gave up the fight for her life. Until the end of her earthly journey, she thought of everyone else but herself.
There's no doubt she may have said a cross a word or two, but haven't we all at some time or other? If I had to look back on my life, I know I would have had a list of sinful thoughts, actions or words. I ask forgiveness everyday to my God as I know she did, too. I think if we recognize our own faults, ask for God's forgiveness and try to make a difference, then isn't that perhaps our purpose.......making a difference? Connie would not want me to portray her as a saint, but if I had to name a person who was an example of a true, devout Catholic, it would be her. I am nowhere near there, but I am purposeful, I do look beyond myself as did she. I give thanks to God for her presence not only in my life and my children's lives, but in my husband's life because he is a loving husband, a caring father and a man of God. His choices in life are partly due to his sister's influence. She was someone who took care of Marty when he was young and read to him while his mother went to work. Perhaps his tender heart is a direct result of who she was.....why not? Aren't we a link to our past? While some may curse their families and the experiences they had; others welcome them all, because they help shape the people we have become.
During her final week on this earth, I expressed my concerns for her and even then her response was, "Barbie, we all have to travel this journey, and it's my turn. All I can think about is your Chrissy and how young she was, and her Frankie and Maria. How hard that must have been for her." Connie was only 60 years young herself. God bless her for that comment, but that's who she was.
We should ask ourselves many questions when a dear one dies; it's a part of the journey. Some questions may never get answered, but perhaps the most important question we should ask of ourselves is this: "Have we done enough?" For some, that question may go right over their heads because they'll just never get there and for the rest of us, we keep on trying, learning and hopefully giving. Cheers to you my dear Connie......you were someone who made a difference.
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