Where Is Fun Barbie?

I remember when Chrissy used to ask me this funny question when were hanging out for the evening.  "Is Fun Barbie Coming out tonight?"  Sometimes she would get impatient with me if I was too quiet or not drinking alcohol quick enough, and she would plead with me and ask, "Where is fun Barbie????"  I have to laugh because Fun Barbie would only appear at certain times because most of my life I have felt that I needed to be in control.   Maybe it's that Catholic guilt thing where I felt compelled to be on my best behavior or something bad would happen.   I always was  looked upon as the good girl in my family so maybe I felt that Fun Barbie wasn't acceptable around the family...I had to live up to how they saw me.  Maybe it boils down to who I really was, and I really was and am a shy, private person.  When Fun Barbie did appear, that meant my guard was down, and who knows what would happen while I was out with my sisters or girlfriends.  Chrissy came to know that part of me as we grew older; her in her teens and me in my young twenties.  It was then that our bond was growing much closer.  She saw a side of me that wasn't the protecting older sister; rather, she saw me as an equal and someone she could trust.

It's been two and a half years since Chrissy's passing, and I can honestly say that Fun Barbie hasn't appeared.  I've laughed and been to some parties, and even drank my share of alcohol, but that girl hasn't emerged as she once did, and I'm not sure she ever will.   I'm not the same person as I was, nor will I ever be.  Which leads me to the question that I've been asked:  "How are you?"  "How are Frank and the kids?"  Sometimes I really don't know how to respond to those questions because I wonder if you really want to hear it. Do you really want to know some of the heartwrenching moments that go along with losing a close family member, losing a mom when you haven't even begun to ride a bike?  When a child tells you their mother is dead, how would you respond?  When a child is crying because they can't remember the voice of their mother, what would you say to that?  If I told you I couldn't taste food for over 6 months after Chrissy's death, would you believe me?  Ask my husband, he remembers. Months after Chrissy's death, food had no taste for me....I was numb inside and out.  I would pinch myself sometime to see if it hurt because for a long while as you're grieving, you literally feel numb.  It all depends on who is asking the question and when you ask it.  For some of you, my real response would be uncomfortable for you to hear.  You haven't experienced it, and you have no idea, even if you think you do.  My thoughts, my agenda, my dreams, my hopes these days aren't on the same playing field with most.   I don't think I could explain nor would you comprehend how I'm doing.  I used to think you would, but you really don't get it, not unless you've experience it.  These days, I find myself retreating from most social situations.  It is not where I want to be.  I prefer the quiet, reading, observing, praying or being with my husband and kids.  It is there where I feel most comfortable. It is there where I find the most peace, a place where I feel energized with the Divine Spirit. 

Don't misunderstand me, though.   I appreciate every aspect of life, from what I see, hear and observe.  I appreciate the giggles in children, the breath of a newborn baby sleeping, the sight of Christmas lights on a tree.  I enjoy the taste of a fresh, crisp salad and the soul that goes into a home-cooked meal.  I savor the warm winds on a spring day, the sound of crunching leaves in the cool air of fall, the white, blue skies in the depths of the winter chills. I immerse myself in the sunsets and sunrises, especially over the oceans.  I look forward to the cold nose of my dog who nudges me every morning and evening.  All the sights of nature are a gift, and I appreciate every minute that I'm able to be witness to God's glory.  I appreciate the kind hearts from strangers or the sincere questions from friends.  It's all good......it's all good, but I am different.

I imagine Chrissy is asking, "Where is Fun Barbie these days?"  I would tell her that she died with you.  On December 11th, 2009, Fun Barbie left with you.

"Rest More With Me.  Alone, away from the noise and activity,  from these times you come forth filled with Spirit."