I've said it many times over as I click the keys on my keyboard that interventions from my sister, from my angels, from my God are there all the time. Sometimes more recognizable than other days. I feel her presence so much these days; Chrissy is here beside me to answer my questions, to guide me, to comfort me in the loneliness I feel. I miss her so terribly....her laughing....our talking.....both of us making our plans.....talking about our kids. The "what could bes" and the "what we wished fors" are so different for me these days. That doesn't mean I don't feel her in my heart urging me to seize the day even when my heart says that I don't feel like it.
It happened, and I was only thinking of it days before: how I wanted to have quilts made for the kids with her photos and with material from her clothing. Perhaps it was sparked by my rummaging through our winter clothing as we got ready for the cold weather or maybe it's because of reliving those days in November and December when we learned that there was nothing more medically that could stop the beast in its tracks. As I searched through all of our clothing for the winter months, I came across the two black bags. These two black bags saved from Chrissy's personal belongings after her death; clothing that seemed to be an extention of her. Clothes she wore often, perhaps of their comfort, we know the ones. We all wear certain clothes often because they're the most comfortable, and that's why I saved them. They sat in my basement as reminders of her. We can't hold onto their bodies; yet, somehow we hold onto these remnants of their personal belongings as reminders of them. I thought perhaps one day I would pass them onto her children or have stuffed animals made with them. It was too difficult to deal with shortly after her death so they sat. We do this, we grieving people, as a way of holding onto their memory. We can feel their presence in the physical items and her perfume resonates amongst some of her clothing. Maybe it's in my imagination, feeling as though she's in the scent of her clothing, as I dream of having her right next to me again.
When I came across these items one day, I thought it would be wonderful......wouldn't it be wonderful if I could gather these pieces of material and somehow have quilts made for her Frankie and Maria. Who would I ask? Where would I go? All my thoughts and questions seemed too much of an undertaking as the time grew closer to the year anniversary of her passing back in December. It seemed like a good idea; yet, exhausting at the same time thinking of all the details to collect and sort. It would be healing to the soul while at the same time the memories would be painful.....thinking of what she was going through only a year ago. So there my mind was, back in November, thinking of taking on this project someday.
Only a few day later, I arrived at Frank's house to take Maria to her swimming class. There in his driveway was an unfamiliar car, a woman who was talking with Frank. I made my way to the driveway, and was going sneak inside to visit with the kids, when Frank motioned me over. As I approached, this person seemed familiar, but I couldn't place the face or the time when we had met. I thought perhaps that it might be a mother to one of Maria or Frankie's school friends. She looked at me and said, "hello", as she held something in her hands. I didn't really pay attention to it until she continued to tell Frank that some of us moms would like to make quilts for Frankie and Maria. Chills ran down my spine, and I smiled, because I knew Chrissy had intervened. Only days before while rummaging through her clothing did this idea cross my mind, but I felt too emotionally exhausted to take on the project. She went on to explain to Frank what she would need and asked for his permission to go forward with their idea in making these lovely quilts for Chrissy's children. At that moment, the skies seemed to open, and I felt my sister's arms wrapped around me. I wanted to jump up and down because it was exactly what I wanted for her children, but it seemed like such a huge undertaking. I asked her name, and then she said we've met before. "Maybe you don't remember, but I was the one who came up to you at the school Valentine Party last year and asked if you were Chrissy's sister."
Again, I felt the chills travel from the tip of my head to the tip of my toes. "Oh yes, I do remember," I said. (it gets even better) In my mind, I did remember this lady who tapped me on the shoulder last year in February, as I followed Frankie and Maria around in their school gym trying to contain my emotions. I wasn't up for idle chit chat so I kept my mind focused on the kids, and I didn't greet anyone with eye contact. All the while there, I was thinking that Chrissy should be the one here for their school parties, but they would have to settle for me. It was at that moment when this woman tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I was Chrissy's sister. I replied with a "yes", and she answered back, "I thought you were, and I have chills now. I loved your sister, and I have read your words on the Caringbridge site. I'm so happy to finally meet you." We stood there in the middle of this gym, and I knew she knew what I was feeling. It brought me some relief knowing I wasn't alone in my emotions, and I smiled and thanked her for coming up to me. I'm sorry to say that didn't remember her name, but I remember my emotions at that time, Chrissy making her presence known to me. This stranger in a crowd of parents and teachers brought me comfort in her words by knowing my sister and telling me how much she adored her. She paid her respects to me again, and continued to say how happy she was to have met me.
It's those pivotal moments, kind words during a grieving time that can help you through difficult days. Personal comments, inspiring words, prayerful support, random thoughts of support in a special card are what helped me and still give me comfort. The simplest words sent in a card for no reason at all but to say, "Please know that I'm thinking of you, and I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing."
When you're not sure of what to do or say when someone is experiencing loss......say those words or send a card as I have mentioned. They are food for the soul, and I can think of many of you: friends of mine or my sisters, strangers who poured out their support in such simple words. As I thought and awaited the quilts that were to be a SURPRISE for these children.....I am reminded yet again that she is present. It's like getting a phone call from a friend that you've been thinking of on a certain day. They call for no reason but to say that I've been thinking of you. Strange, isn't it? Call it what you will, but I don't believe in coincidences. I believe in what's real, and that she's still with me. I longed to see them, these quilts which were tangible reminders of her personality, her comfortable clothing, familiar clothing to me, but I chose to view them on New Year's Eve and not a day sooner. It was implanted in my mind to start the New Year with all that encompassed her, memories in these patches of clothing and copied photos. That minute arrived where I unfolded them, and I was speechless for the first few minutes as my hands caressed each thread of these loving quilts. I can't put into perfect words, but it seemed as though I found myself in each place of that quilt. Pivotal photos of her with Maria and Frankie that they will cherish more in the years to come. It's inevitible that memories of their mom will fade, they're much too young to remember it all. Perhaps their young minds will need to let go of some of her in order to process the enormity of losing a mother at such a young age. Those quilts are another reminder to me of who she was and how much I loved her and still do. Those quilts will be a constant reminder to Maria and Frankie as they grow and wrap themselves in their warmth, her warmth, a mother's love. Thank you to those special moms, Laura and Erika, whose act of kindness made a huge impact. If anyone else was involved in the making of these quilts, I want to thank you as well. As mom used to say, "Your rewards will come in heaven."
"No act of kindness is too small or goes unnoticed"
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