One of our favorite past times as kids was to soothe each other at night by "tickling" each others arms. "Tickle my arm, please, please, please?????" That phrase rings in my head like it was yesterday. Tickling to Chrissy and me meant light soothing fingertips across the limbs. It was relaxing during the sleepless nights, and many a nights Chrissy and I took turns comforting each other. That's what sisters do, other than quarrel over clothes and/or chores, we also helped each other. No one could ever take the place of two sisters chatting quietly late at night, while each of us took our turns comforting the other. As the older sister, though, I would always want her to go first; that way I could weasel out of my turn. Sad, but true, I was scheming the plot before it all went down. With all that gentle tickling, it could easily put you to sleep. You know what I'm saying? I can almost hear the frustration in her young voice as I would pretend to be sleeping after ten minutes or so. For five minutes she would gently shake me, at first whispering, "It's your turn now, Barbie...... Barbie," and then it progressively got louder and more annoying; my body still lying motionless. We slept in a trundle bed in those days, and I was on the top bed, and she slept below me on the lower bed with my arm dangling over the side. Before I knew it, she would threaten to yell for mom, then the gig was up. I had to take my turn tickling her arm, but I swear I was able to shorten the minutes as the older sister who insisted my time was accurate. It warms my heart to think about such simple times. Back then, life seemed carefree because there was so much to think about: school, friends, televison, parties. It really was so simple then.......and we grew up, and life became more complicated.
It's amazing what comes out of your mouth when you're trying to cope. As I layed next to Chrissy in her final days, not always knowing what to say or do to comfort her, I would pray. Pray for her, pray for us to accept, pray for hope. None of us really knew what was best, but we tried, and that's all one can do in those circumstances. Many times I felt the strength of Job or the Holy Spirit entering my body, whatever you might think takes over your body when you know it's not you doing it, or atleast I felt that way. All sorts of thoughts race through your mind as what to say or do for someone who is dying. Sometimes humor helps, story telling, tears, hugs and even comforting thoughts. As I was lying next to her, the thought of those tickle nights in our childhood beds came to mind, and I recall whispering to her one morning as her eyes showed discomfort, feeling the pain. "Sissy, guess what, I am going to tickle your arm first, it's my turn.....close your eyes now and relax."
On that morning in December of uncertainty, never knowing if I would see my sister's eyes sparkle again, let alone smile, I saw the biggest sheepish grin beam across her face......teeth and all. She didn't have to ask or beg as we always did when we were younger. She had remembered our treasured time together, and now it was my turn to tickle first. I can't imagine what was happening in her world, knowing her days were numbered. I will cherish and remember that moment forever in my life, subtle glimpses of her earthly presence...............as it was to happen the following morning that she passed on to her new life.
Family: It's about loving, sharing, and connecting
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Powerful Life, Thankful Life
Do you realize the difference you can make in other people's lives: with your friends, your neighbors, your own family and yes, even strangers? That could mean in a positive or negative way, and so many times we miss that opportunity because we're not paying attention, and we have so much power to make positive changes for others. Chrissy and I used to talk about what we would do after our kids were grown and they were all in school. We always wondered if we were doing the mom thing right. When your parent isn't there to ask, you find yourself always wondering that question. We shared our interests and passions while watching our kids play together, mostly feeling inadequacies about ourselves. Not knowing how we were going to change the world, how we were going to make a difference, that was our underlying struggle. Her deepest joy was to work with children with special needs as well as with typical students. Often, she would share her stories of volunteering at her kids' school, and I could see how much she loved helping students, having friendly conversations, being real with them. I knew how she made a difference for some of those students, who may not have been able to share with their own teacher or their parents. She had also established her charity called RAISE, Inc., which helped support epilepsy research, but that was put to the back burner when she became ill. I thought it was a huge accomplishemnt on her part, but she never took much credit for what she had done to make that happen. I was so very proud of her and the hard work it took to put that charity in action, even though short lived. That alone was God working through her. Awhile back, she worked for Special School District for a short period dealing with students who had various challenges. She did her hair styling and worked in a medical office, but she never felt she was completely satisfied with her latter career choices. Her passion was to become a teacher if she were to choose a career. She did eventually go back to school, but she didn't acquire her teaching degree because raising her own children without distractions was more important to her as it was to me. I am not a powerhouse of a woman who can juggle it all, but I give credit to those who try to work outside the home and keep their kids and house in order. I also respect the moms who stay home, and make the budget work with one income and keep their sanity. Well, I keep my sanity most of the time, but perhaps Marty may have a different version.
My fondest memories of my mom were greeting me after school, not usually with a snack at hand, but when she was able, asking me about my day. There was a sense of security knowing she was always there for us. She seemed so strong and resilient and beautiful. I admired what she had done and was doing for me. I am not critisizing working moms by no means, but I miss the days when most moms were at home, not working outside the home. In this day and age, raising my kids as a stay at home mom, I generally felt in the minority. Whenever I went to a social gatherings and women,especially, would ask what I do for a living. Their "deer in a head lights" look gave way to their thoughts about my answer when I told them I stayed home with the kids. There was usually a pause and an overwhelming respectful answer of "Oh, that's so admirable........" or I got the short version, "oh", then they awkwardly walked away. Please understand when I say that some comments were genuine, but other times, it was not. I'm a whiz at reading people's social cues, and I could see the ones who were dumbfounded by my choice to stay home rather than work outside the home.
Recently, I got into my car, turned on the radio and heard, "Are you living a fruitful life, a powerful life, a knowledgeable life and a thankful life?" Ironically, a friend of mine and I were just discussing that very same question in our own lives. I listened intently to the message as I knew God wanted me to hear it at that moment. Those cues and messages are there all the time for us. Sometimes we may wonder if God is listening or cares what we need, and He does, and He reaches out to us with His answers through the radio, through friends and family, through nature, and other ways. We don't always realize it, but it's there. So that evening I listened to the radio, thinking about the many conversations Chrissy and I had talking about our dreams, our passions, our kids and spouses. Our life is here to be lived, and we have to choose to live it. God gives us the power in so many ways, and I think that power comes in time, living life, making choices, seeing our blessings, accepting God's graces. Those blessings come in small packages sometimes, and if we are to realize how powerful our life is, we must open our eyes and hearts to what is being said to us. All sorts of messages come our way, and for Chrissy, she continued to grow, listen, learn and hope.
I am so very thankful for the life I have lived and am living. We encounter bumps in the road, but we also feel the wind in our hair on a sunny day and so much more. If we have a fruitful life, a knowledgeable life, a powerful life and a thankful life.......we will have a purposeful life. My life with my sister, Chrissy, was purposeful, and I am forever grateful to our creator for her being a part of my life.
Life can only take place in the present moment. If we lose the present moment, we lose life.
By Buddha
My fondest memories of my mom were greeting me after school, not usually with a snack at hand, but when she was able, asking me about my day. There was a sense of security knowing she was always there for us. She seemed so strong and resilient and beautiful. I admired what she had done and was doing for me. I am not critisizing working moms by no means, but I miss the days when most moms were at home, not working outside the home. In this day and age, raising my kids as a stay at home mom, I generally felt in the minority. Whenever I went to a social gatherings and women,especially, would ask what I do for a living. Their "deer in a head lights" look gave way to their thoughts about my answer when I told them I stayed home with the kids. There was usually a pause and an overwhelming respectful answer of "Oh, that's so admirable........" or I got the short version, "oh", then they awkwardly walked away. Please understand when I say that some comments were genuine, but other times, it was not. I'm a whiz at reading people's social cues, and I could see the ones who were dumbfounded by my choice to stay home rather than work outside the home.
Recently, I got into my car, turned on the radio and heard, "Are you living a fruitful life, a powerful life, a knowledgeable life and a thankful life?" Ironically, a friend of mine and I were just discussing that very same question in our own lives. I listened intently to the message as I knew God wanted me to hear it at that moment. Those cues and messages are there all the time for us. Sometimes we may wonder if God is listening or cares what we need, and He does, and He reaches out to us with His answers through the radio, through friends and family, through nature, and other ways. We don't always realize it, but it's there. So that evening I listened to the radio, thinking about the many conversations Chrissy and I had talking about our dreams, our passions, our kids and spouses. Our life is here to be lived, and we have to choose to live it. God gives us the power in so many ways, and I think that power comes in time, living life, making choices, seeing our blessings, accepting God's graces. Those blessings come in small packages sometimes, and if we are to realize how powerful our life is, we must open our eyes and hearts to what is being said to us. All sorts of messages come our way, and for Chrissy, she continued to grow, listen, learn and hope.
I am so very thankful for the life I have lived and am living. We encounter bumps in the road, but we also feel the wind in our hair on a sunny day and so much more. If we have a fruitful life, a knowledgeable life, a powerful life and a thankful life.......we will have a purposeful life. My life with my sister, Chrissy, was purposeful, and I am forever grateful to our creator for her being a part of my life.
Life can only take place in the present moment. If we lose the present moment, we lose life.
By Buddha
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Are You Living With Purpose?
Each day, each hour, each minute, each step doesn't go without thinking of my sister, her family, and what it is I need to do in my lifetime to honor her, help her kids, to help Frank. Better yet, I hope I'm living my life dedicated to doing good, living with purpose, doing what I am meant to do. No one can make this grief better, but we can learn to live with purpose in our own actions, helping others, which will hopefully lead us to a joyful content place in our lives. I don't exactly know what it is that God wants for me, but each day I pray for guidance. Perhaps each day is different as to what I am to do or accomplish. Maybe I'm doing it, but I seem to want more answers most of the time. I listen to that voice inside me that I tend to ignore at times, but I know that's where I need to listen......that's where I'll find those answers. Those around me may not understand my actions, but for now, I need to follow that voice if I am to heal. My daily prayer is this: "Lord, what is Your desire for my life? Please show me Your plan, and make Your will absolutely clear so I can do it."
As I live these days without talking to Chrissy, asking her advice about kids, friendships, marriage, laughing aloud about anything; I wonder how I can live in this new way, not being able to do that the way I used to. I seek my answers through the heart because that's where she lies, within my heart. That's where I've been these past six months: praying, reevaluating my own life, prioritizing where I want to be, doing for her family, being with my kids and husband, hoping I'm doing the best I can. That's all any of us can do, trying the best that we can. Somedays it's easier than others, but I keep trying for my husband, for my kids, for her kids, for God. I cannot replace her, no one can, but when I think about what they're missing, it tears at my heart strings when watching Frankie and Maria. Like squinting through a dense fog, I am trying to see the blessings that are happening, and I am learning........slowly. Some days, taking two steps forward and one step back, my journey unfolds. I wonder if God is thinking, when is she ever going to understand, to believe, without any questions or doubts that an ultimate purpose is happening right now. I suppose He has to keep showing me everyday, and I look for them....those signs....I never stop looking for them. This new way of living is not easy, and I do it kicking and literally screaming at times. Sometimes when I shut the rest of the world out, there is such peace, feeling that divine energy around me. I suppose I could choose to do nothing and put these thoughts aside, living my life as before, but then what have I learned? In my heart of hearts, I think it would haunt me down the road if I haven't changed from this traumatic experience. It's a fact of life......people die, tragedies happen, relationships fizzle, priorites change, emotions run wild.....we must learn to live with them or not live at all. As painful as it can be, especially when seeing the faces of her children without their mother, I tell myself to face it head on. Their pain is so visible, yet I also see their relentless desire for happiness. That alone motivates me to live with purpose. I see their eyes as they search for her in me, and I say to myself, I must live with purpose. So it is up to me, us, her family and friends to be there for them.....guiding them to a day when perhaps they can smile again after hearing stories of their mom.
In this journey, some have stayed through various ways, but life happens, busyness takes over and some have drifted away. I've seen this happen before after the deaths of my parents. People gather in support at the beginning, but then there's people you'll never hear from or see again. They say the infamous comment, "Call me if you need anything." Rather than say that, say I'm sorry and then do. Maybe out of site out of mind sets in or awkwardness.....or perhaps their own lives get too busy. I'm not sure what it is. It's a choice, though, whether consciously or not....it is always a choice. As my life unfolds, I continue to ask myself that question, "Am I living with purpose?" What questions are you or should you be asking of yourselves? Are you living with purpose?
Your soul mission is your reason for being, your life purpose. It's your calling in life--who you feel called to be, what you feel called to do. Mission is an energy that flows through you--a drive, voice, or passion that you cannot ignore... It's what you know in your heart you must live if you are to experience inner peace and harmony.
By Alan Seale
As I live these days without talking to Chrissy, asking her advice about kids, friendships, marriage, laughing aloud about anything; I wonder how I can live in this new way, not being able to do that the way I used to. I seek my answers through the heart because that's where she lies, within my heart. That's where I've been these past six months: praying, reevaluating my own life, prioritizing where I want to be, doing for her family, being with my kids and husband, hoping I'm doing the best I can. That's all any of us can do, trying the best that we can. Somedays it's easier than others, but I keep trying for my husband, for my kids, for her kids, for God. I cannot replace her, no one can, but when I think about what they're missing, it tears at my heart strings when watching Frankie and Maria. Like squinting through a dense fog, I am trying to see the blessings that are happening, and I am learning........slowly. Some days, taking two steps forward and one step back, my journey unfolds. I wonder if God is thinking, when is she ever going to understand, to believe, without any questions or doubts that an ultimate purpose is happening right now. I suppose He has to keep showing me everyday, and I look for them....those signs....I never stop looking for them. This new way of living is not easy, and I do it kicking and literally screaming at times. Sometimes when I shut the rest of the world out, there is such peace, feeling that divine energy around me. I suppose I could choose to do nothing and put these thoughts aside, living my life as before, but then what have I learned? In my heart of hearts, I think it would haunt me down the road if I haven't changed from this traumatic experience. It's a fact of life......people die, tragedies happen, relationships fizzle, priorites change, emotions run wild.....we must learn to live with them or not live at all. As painful as it can be, especially when seeing the faces of her children without their mother, I tell myself to face it head on. Their pain is so visible, yet I also see their relentless desire for happiness. That alone motivates me to live with purpose. I see their eyes as they search for her in me, and I say to myself, I must live with purpose. So it is up to me, us, her family and friends to be there for them.....guiding them to a day when perhaps they can smile again after hearing stories of their mom.
In this journey, some have stayed through various ways, but life happens, busyness takes over and some have drifted away. I've seen this happen before after the deaths of my parents. People gather in support at the beginning, but then there's people you'll never hear from or see again. They say the infamous comment, "Call me if you need anything." Rather than say that, say I'm sorry and then do. Maybe out of site out of mind sets in or awkwardness.....or perhaps their own lives get too busy. I'm not sure what it is. It's a choice, though, whether consciously or not....it is always a choice. As my life unfolds, I continue to ask myself that question, "Am I living with purpose?" What questions are you or should you be asking of yourselves? Are you living with purpose?
Your soul mission is your reason for being, your life purpose. It's your calling in life--who you feel called to be, what you feel called to do. Mission is an energy that flows through you--a drive, voice, or passion that you cannot ignore... It's what you know in your heart you must live if you are to experience inner peace and harmony.
By Alan Seale
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Memorial Days
Memorial days of past, I think of all the BBQ's that I have spent with family and/or friends. Remembering all the good times playing darts, washers, cards and more recently "ladder jack". My family refers to this game as "monkey balls" which makes it even more enjoyable as we laugh through our crudeness and hope for brighter days. Also, wishing my sister, Chrissy, could be sitting beside me eating a plate of all our special family foods, but it was not meant to be.
My intention for this site is not of a political nature; rather, one of keeping it real about my journey here. Mostly inspired by my sister's death and the loved ones that have passed on before me. As this weekend brought about many thoughts of them, not because they were all veterans, but how they influenced my life. That spurred another emotion that all people of this country should say a prayer, have a positive thought or action in honor of our veterans who have fought, protected and upheld our constitution......ultimately sacrificing their lives. All Americans should respect our veterans and soldiers, especially the ones who have died in the line of duty. I did grow up with the influence of the Democratic Party, but I wouldn't call myself a strong political figure of any party these days, but I am steadfast when it comes to remembering our fallen soldiers. You don't have to be at a special ceremony, but perhaps saying a prayer for them, donating to our veterans' funds, hanging an American flag and at the very least saying "thank you" when you pass a person in uniform.
As I was leaving our campgrounds on Monday, enjoying the long weekend, I heard shots being fired, and at first I was curious to the sounds, thinking it may be someone hunting in the area. It then occurred to me that perhaps it might be related to Memorial weekend, which I came to learn that there was a ceremony happening in honor of all the fallen soldiers of Alton. It shouldn't matter your views of the wars past or present because anyone who is enjoying a BBQ or worshiping at your own church or attending the university of your choice or buying the clothes you want to wear or walking the streets of this United States in freedom should ask themselves these questions: Would I be able to do this if it were not for the efforts of past and present soldiers who served this country to give me all these opportunities? Would I want to stare down the barrel of a gun or walk anxiously awaiting a bomb that could explode at my feet at any time? What would life be like without the efforts of our enlisted men and women? Many times I've heard it said, "I have the right to.......". (you fill in the blank) I pause and think, would we have these rights if efforts of our soldiers fell short? One could argue the cause of our past conflicts or wars, but many of these soldiers did it with patriotism and honor. I am so grateful for all those people who have enlisted or have been drafted, but ultimately they were here to protect and afford me the rights and privileges of this country. It's not a perfect country by no means, but I honor the Americans who have protected me so that I am able to write the words I choose on this website without being penalized. Yes, all those who complain and write negative thoughts about this country.....it is your right because of the efforts of our soldiers. It's not because of the representatives, senators and presidents. They, too, are doing what they do, good or bad, because of our fallen soldiers. We don't have to like or even accept what laws are being enforced, but as Americans, we have the right to profess our complaints or support because of their efforts. So on this Tuesday after Memorial weekend, I want to profess my support for all those dads and moms, students, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and friends who have protected and upheld my rights to do whatever it is that I do. Thank you, thank you, and thank you some more.
I will never forget my family who have passed on to their new lives. My life is forever different and new as I have come to learn. My life is also different because of our veterans who have gone before me; fighting for my rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
"The last of the human freedoms is to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances."
By Victor Frank
The best quote is on a plaque in the cemetary at Normandy.
"Men, not much older than boys, gave up all of their tomorrow's for your today. It is your responsibility to them to make this a world worth dying for.".
That says it all.
My intention for this site is not of a political nature; rather, one of keeping it real about my journey here. Mostly inspired by my sister's death and the loved ones that have passed on before me. As this weekend brought about many thoughts of them, not because they were all veterans, but how they influenced my life. That spurred another emotion that all people of this country should say a prayer, have a positive thought or action in honor of our veterans who have fought, protected and upheld our constitution......ultimately sacrificing their lives. All Americans should respect our veterans and soldiers, especially the ones who have died in the line of duty. I did grow up with the influence of the Democratic Party, but I wouldn't call myself a strong political figure of any party these days, but I am steadfast when it comes to remembering our fallen soldiers. You don't have to be at a special ceremony, but perhaps saying a prayer for them, donating to our veterans' funds, hanging an American flag and at the very least saying "thank you" when you pass a person in uniform.
As I was leaving our campgrounds on Monday, enjoying the long weekend, I heard shots being fired, and at first I was curious to the sounds, thinking it may be someone hunting in the area. It then occurred to me that perhaps it might be related to Memorial weekend, which I came to learn that there was a ceremony happening in honor of all the fallen soldiers of Alton. It shouldn't matter your views of the wars past or present because anyone who is enjoying a BBQ or worshiping at your own church or attending the university of your choice or buying the clothes you want to wear or walking the streets of this United States in freedom should ask themselves these questions: Would I be able to do this if it were not for the efforts of past and present soldiers who served this country to give me all these opportunities? Would I want to stare down the barrel of a gun or walk anxiously awaiting a bomb that could explode at my feet at any time? What would life be like without the efforts of our enlisted men and women? Many times I've heard it said, "I have the right to.......". (you fill in the blank) I pause and think, would we have these rights if efforts of our soldiers fell short? One could argue the cause of our past conflicts or wars, but many of these soldiers did it with patriotism and honor. I am so grateful for all those people who have enlisted or have been drafted, but ultimately they were here to protect and afford me the rights and privileges of this country. It's not a perfect country by no means, but I honor the Americans who have protected me so that I am able to write the words I choose on this website without being penalized. Yes, all those who complain and write negative thoughts about this country.....it is your right because of the efforts of our soldiers. It's not because of the representatives, senators and presidents. They, too, are doing what they do, good or bad, because of our fallen soldiers. We don't have to like or even accept what laws are being enforced, but as Americans, we have the right to profess our complaints or support because of their efforts. So on this Tuesday after Memorial weekend, I want to profess my support for all those dads and moms, students, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and friends who have protected and upheld my rights to do whatever it is that I do. Thank you, thank you, and thank you some more.
I will never forget my family who have passed on to their new lives. My life is forever different and new as I have come to learn. My life is also different because of our veterans who have gone before me; fighting for my rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
"The last of the human freedoms is to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances."
By Victor Frank
The best quote is on a plaque in the cemetary at Normandy.
"Men, not much older than boys, gave up all of their tomorrow's for your today. It is your responsibility to them to make this a world worth dying for.".
That says it all.
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