There's something healing in a good belly laugh, and no doubt I need to experience that more often. A particular day could be stressful or hurried, and if I stop and really laugh......all that hurriedness or stress simply melts away. One of the belly laughs that Chrissy and I had was when she was working for a pest control business, and it was regarding a roach with really long antennae. I was probably in my early twenties and she had to be 19 or 20 years old. I suppose she had worked many hours so her mind was preoccupied with "bugs" and so began her dream of the roach in the phone book. It was a short dream, but it was so funny that it woke her up in the wee hours of the morning, and of course, it was way too funny not to wake me up along with her. We slept in the same bedroom so she nudged me as she was chuckling, barely able to speak. "I've got to tell you this dream!" Between short snippets of laughter, she was able to relay to me that this huge roach was sitting in the middle of an open phone book and looking for a reliable pest control business. What put me over the top is how she explained the roach searching for this special place. She said that the roach was licking its antenna and in the next motion was using it to flip each page of the yellow pages. Both of us broke down into laughter, and anyone who heard us would have thought we were nuts, but I don't think we were able to go back to sleep that night thinking of that nasty pest searching so frantically. Thinking of that dream to this day makes me chuckle, and I depend on it some days, especially at night when the kids and Marty have fallen asleep, and the house seems so lonely and quiet. That is the dream that is vivid in my mind, and it will still make me bust a gut to this day.
It takes a lot for me to belly laugh now, but certain television commercials can set me free to the biggest belly laugh. Those laughs can change my melancholy mood to a light-hearted mood in seconds. This is not an adverstisement for any product or service, but when I am laying in my bed and these commercials turn up.......well, all I have to say is "GENIUS"! The latest candy commercials where the the m & m is protesting the pretzal being put inside him. How about Bush's Baked Beans where the Golden Retriever is secretly plotting to discover the recipe to the bean empire, and last but not least the certain commercials for pest control. Yes, there is one that is simply brilliant, and I think of Chrissy when this big roach or creature-like bug is standing at the doorway of a house and dips his "extention" into the man's sweet coffee. Who couldn't have a good belly laugh with that one as the deep-voiced roach is trying to edge his way into the house. The expressions on the people and the bugs are priceless!
Look at the little things in life that make you smile, laugh, feel joy......as they will take you through the more difficult minutes when you feel the pangs in your heart. Sometimes, you feel that the grief is so intense, it leaves you speechless. There's so much joy to feel, and I want to feel it; yet, my mind tells me that I'm leaving her out or somehow forgetting her if I allow myself to feel. Perhaps feeling brings on too much pain. Those that grieve understand what I mean. It's a constant battle of telling your mind to feel joy, but your heart feels the loss, the pain and we don't want to let go of our loved ones. So my thought for the day is to find atleast one joyful moment and hold on tight because you'll need for the cloudier days.
Joy is what happens when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.
By Marianne Williamson
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
What Happens at the Time of Death
I had to share this beautiful poem that was read at a memorial service, written by a hospice chaplain......and it seemed too good not to share to all of you. Thank you, Karen, for showing it to me......now I can share it with more people.
What Happens at the Time of Death
A Hospice Chaplain’s Poem by Rev. Colette Wood
“What will it be like when I die?”
First God will come and hold your two feet in his hands; he will rub them gently and remember all the miles you walked; all the miles through life in both hard times and joyful times, and he will help you remember only the joy…
Next he will hold your legs in his hands and give thanks for their strength that carried you on earth…
Then he will take your upper body and place his hand on your chest. Because of this you will feel warmth in your heart and your heart rate will slow since God will be holding its anxiety…
Then God will gather up your arms and remember all of the heavy loads you carried…these arms carried so much and they are so weary, and God will free them from their burden…
Then God will touch your ears, removing anything bad you have ever heard. He will caress them with words of Love, gratitude and thanksgiving and they will be warmed by the gentle whisper, “You are my beloved”…
Then he will gather your face in his hands, look deeply into your eyes and watch you as your breathing slows and as your breathing slows, God’s breathing will take over; as yours ends, God’s continues, increasing, accelerating, beating strong and melodious until your breath has become ONE with His…
And then it will become clear, all the pain will end, all the questions will be answered. Great arms will lift you, you will understand and there will be no more waiting…
And all will be a great AMEN!!
Enough said..........
What Happens at the Time of Death
A Hospice Chaplain’s Poem by Rev. Colette Wood
“What will it be like when I die?”
First God will come and hold your two feet in his hands; he will rub them gently and remember all the miles you walked; all the miles through life in both hard times and joyful times, and he will help you remember only the joy…
Next he will hold your legs in his hands and give thanks for their strength that carried you on earth…
Then he will take your upper body and place his hand on your chest. Because of this you will feel warmth in your heart and your heart rate will slow since God will be holding its anxiety…
Then God will gather up your arms and remember all of the heavy loads you carried…these arms carried so much and they are so weary, and God will free them from their burden…
Then God will touch your ears, removing anything bad you have ever heard. He will caress them with words of Love, gratitude and thanksgiving and they will be warmed by the gentle whisper, “You are my beloved”…
Then he will gather your face in his hands, look deeply into your eyes and watch you as your breathing slows and as your breathing slows, God’s breathing will take over; as yours ends, God’s continues, increasing, accelerating, beating strong and melodious until your breath has become ONE with His…
And then it will become clear, all the pain will end, all the questions will be answered. Great arms will lift you, you will understand and there will be no more waiting…
And all will be a great AMEN!!
Enough said..........
Monday, August 2, 2010
Who Are We Without Her?
Unchartered territories......sounds like a StarTrek episode, but when someone you love dearly dies......everything is all new again. Who are we without her? As a family, I think we're all trying to figure that out along with what is best for Maria, Frankie and Frank. (Yes, Frank, surprisingly the sisters do talk about you but in a good way) None of us knows the right way, and for me, that's new and uncomfortable. I've always felt large and incharge, having a plan, being an organizer and setting goals with my kids, enjoying Marty and everything else inbetween. All that aside, I am also very self-conscious and unsure of myself, too. One of those skeletons that most people don't know.......until now. One thing I do know is that life can change at the drop of a hat. God has been my guide all along, but the lesson for me has been that ultimately nothing is for sure in life....and I can't control what isn't mine to control. It's a pill that's hard for me to swallow. Moms know that we like to cure all, make everything better, and this one isn't an easy one to make better. All families go through changes, epecially when death invades your life. We try to live in a new way which often times is very awkward and uncertain. Am I saying the right things to her kids? Am I calling Frank too much or too little? What is it that I can do for them? Many times since Chrissy's death, my rock hard question to God and to Chrissy has been, "Am I doing this right?" This time in my life is not for commitments or planning or setting appointments, and when my children ask what are we going to do today; my answer is this: "I don't know, let's play it by ear." Then we do whatever we feel like doing, and for Marty and the kids that has to be frustrating for sure.......but that's the best I can offer them right now.
Our family dynamics have changed, and we will never be the same as we were before because someone who played an integral part of our family has died. The five of us "Meyer kids" are now four. That number hasn't been around for us since before she was born. Life changes all the time, and we must move with it or not. That's the choice we all have to make: do we live with the loss or not? What I have learned from the deaths of my parents, grandparents and now Chrissy is that our family has changed and will continue to change, but how we deal with the change and make "new" depends on all family members to be present. Present in the moment, the hour, the day, the week................knowing what's important......keeping what's real right in front of us......being honest......and listening to others. Right now, if there is family or friends who are not real in their own lives, I choose not to be around them. Perhaps that's a bold statement, but in keeping with my purpose for this site, I'm trying to keep it real and put it out there.
My time with Chrissy was precious, and as one friend has relayed to me, we will always want more time, no matter when the end is going to happen, we'll always want one more day, one more hour, one more minute.....just one more. Chrissy's concerns after her death were mostly about where her children would be without her and their emotional well-being. She never doubted Frank's ability to be the wonderful dad and do what's best for their children, but she wasn't sure the mom needs to her children would be met. She wasn't convinced that they would understand this or want to talk about her. As I was saying good-bye to her; I found myself saying hello to her kids in finding out all the details that only a mom might know. I thought I knew them because we saw each other so much on a weekly basis, but in light of Chrissy's failing physical health, I felt like a stranger to them. Even though I spent loads of time with them during most of their lives; I found myself asking her questions as well as asking them upfront to Frankie and Maria. What are your favorite books and foods? What do you like to eat for lunch at school? Tell me the names of your teachers. What are your favorite toys? How should I treat them when they misbehave? What do you want me to tell them about you?
As I was trying to figure out what to do for them and who and how they would be without her; I never thought of who I would be without her until after her death. Every day I ask God to help me see the purpose in my life as it unfolds, and what was once important to me, isn't anymore. As I explore new careers or a part-time job, I don't have the passion as I used to. Jobs should never define oneself, but recently I've been asking myself what it is that I should do from here. Who am I without my sister? That question is a work in progress for me. Most days I know I'm child of God, a mom, a wife, a volunteer in life, a creator of ideas, an organizer, a writer, a baker, a cook, an interpreter, a social worker for my kids' problems, a maid, a sister, a friend, an aunt, a cousin, a daughter, a sister-in-law, a fighter, a listener, and a learner of life. That should be quite enough, right? Those identities haven't changed; yet, nothing feels quite right anymore, and many days I feel as though it's the first day of school. A new day, a new beginning is in front of me; however, I feel the awkwardness and fearfulness of what lies before me. At any given moment, my emotions can erupt like a volcano when I see a familiar place that reminds me of her or hear a beloved song or smell a seasonal fragrance or eat a lucious meal, and my mind goes back to when she was here.....living, breathing, smiling, laughing, yelling.........and yes, eating! A week doesn't pass when my kids don't express how much they miss Aunt Chrissy. There isn't a time that I don't want to call her when Guy is introducing a new drive-in, diner or dive, both of us salivating over the phone and screaming how good the food looks. Who am I without her?" Since my sissy has passed on, all of the above titles seem meaningless to me. That is where this journey is for me. Where do I go from here?
As we all try to figure out who we are and what our purpose is, I feel a sense that she is being forgotten as the world goes on with work, vacations, activities and events. She will never be forgotten by me, and my purpose will always fall back on who she was, what she would want me to do and what she meant to me.
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (Corinthians 4: 16-18)
Our family dynamics have changed, and we will never be the same as we were before because someone who played an integral part of our family has died. The five of us "Meyer kids" are now four. That number hasn't been around for us since before she was born. Life changes all the time, and we must move with it or not. That's the choice we all have to make: do we live with the loss or not? What I have learned from the deaths of my parents, grandparents and now Chrissy is that our family has changed and will continue to change, but how we deal with the change and make "new" depends on all family members to be present. Present in the moment, the hour, the day, the week................knowing what's important......keeping what's real right in front of us......being honest......and listening to others. Right now, if there is family or friends who are not real in their own lives, I choose not to be around them. Perhaps that's a bold statement, but in keeping with my purpose for this site, I'm trying to keep it real and put it out there.
My time with Chrissy was precious, and as one friend has relayed to me, we will always want more time, no matter when the end is going to happen, we'll always want one more day, one more hour, one more minute.....just one more. Chrissy's concerns after her death were mostly about where her children would be without her and their emotional well-being. She never doubted Frank's ability to be the wonderful dad and do what's best for their children, but she wasn't sure the mom needs to her children would be met. She wasn't convinced that they would understand this or want to talk about her. As I was saying good-bye to her; I found myself saying hello to her kids in finding out all the details that only a mom might know. I thought I knew them because we saw each other so much on a weekly basis, but in light of Chrissy's failing physical health, I felt like a stranger to them. Even though I spent loads of time with them during most of their lives; I found myself asking her questions as well as asking them upfront to Frankie and Maria. What are your favorite books and foods? What do you like to eat for lunch at school? Tell me the names of your teachers. What are your favorite toys? How should I treat them when they misbehave? What do you want me to tell them about you?
As I was trying to figure out what to do for them and who and how they would be without her; I never thought of who I would be without her until after her death. Every day I ask God to help me see the purpose in my life as it unfolds, and what was once important to me, isn't anymore. As I explore new careers or a part-time job, I don't have the passion as I used to. Jobs should never define oneself, but recently I've been asking myself what it is that I should do from here. Who am I without my sister? That question is a work in progress for me. Most days I know I'm child of God, a mom, a wife, a volunteer in life, a creator of ideas, an organizer, a writer, a baker, a cook, an interpreter, a social worker for my kids' problems, a maid, a sister, a friend, an aunt, a cousin, a daughter, a sister-in-law, a fighter, a listener, and a learner of life. That should be quite enough, right? Those identities haven't changed; yet, nothing feels quite right anymore, and many days I feel as though it's the first day of school. A new day, a new beginning is in front of me; however, I feel the awkwardness and fearfulness of what lies before me. At any given moment, my emotions can erupt like a volcano when I see a familiar place that reminds me of her or hear a beloved song or smell a seasonal fragrance or eat a lucious meal, and my mind goes back to when she was here.....living, breathing, smiling, laughing, yelling.........and yes, eating! A week doesn't pass when my kids don't express how much they miss Aunt Chrissy. There isn't a time that I don't want to call her when Guy is introducing a new drive-in, diner or dive, both of us salivating over the phone and screaming how good the food looks. Who am I without her?" Since my sissy has passed on, all of the above titles seem meaningless to me. That is where this journey is for me. Where do I go from here?
As we all try to figure out who we are and what our purpose is, I feel a sense that she is being forgotten as the world goes on with work, vacations, activities and events. She will never be forgotten by me, and my purpose will always fall back on who she was, what she would want me to do and what she meant to me.
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (Corinthians 4: 16-18)
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Grateful Heart Amongst Healing People
If you are one who is grieving right now, my one piece of advice is to surround yourself with healing people. Healing people are those who listen without judgement, they are empathetic without trying to cure you, and ultimately they listen completely without talking and they give of themselves. There are people in my life who do just that, and I want to say "thank you". Thank you for understanding, thank you for your patience, and thank you for allowing me to grieve. There are no rules, no certain way, but complete healing people are listeners with a sincere heart, a giver of hugs, and a lender of their loving thoughts without telling me what to do. I know I will not feel this way forever; feeling the sadness and loss of my sister. One day joy will reign prevalent in my heart, but for now it's a distant word in my vocabulary. That doesn't mean I am not thankful for the blessings that surround me.......my family, my friends, my health and my faith. Love from my husband and children sustains me right now as I try to overcome the sadness in my heart. How can one person impact another so much? She did mine, my sister, and I am trying to see the world now with different eyes, with a new canvas if you will. I feel as though my vision is blinded, and I am trying to imagine the world with love, hope and joy.
Some days I live.......I truly live feeling her presence and constant guidance beside me. Some days a smile will find its way upon my face. I will think of her and smile, and there aren't any set times or reasons. Perhaps when I'm choosing an item at the store, hearing a familiar song, eating a lucious dinner or watching her daughter, Maria, play as Chrissy did when she was that age. Other days are very difficult, feeling her spirit, trying to find my path, living this new way, watching her children trying to find their way as well. Some days when I see her children ache for her presence, then I'm at a loss as to what this is all about. I say in my journaling that when a deep loss is experienced, it is felt strongly and one never thinks it will go away. It doesn't truly ever go away; it's always a part of our new life, whatever transformations takes place, but the intensity I know will change, and you learn to live along with it. I know that through my own parents' deaths, and I am now learning to live with it through my own sister's death. My sister will always be there for me, but now in a new way, and I suppose those who knew her well...feel it, too. As each day ends and another one begins, I look for strength to make my life better......to make myself a better person. Sometimes the healing people are my driving force and for that I am grateful. They ask questions and listen, they truly hear my cries, they give support through kind emails and letters without expecting a response, and they never question where I am in this journey.....always offering support in thought, words or deeds . Their support is also shown in their continuous efforts such as recognizing the Komen Race, participating in the Relays for Life or making donations in memory of my sister to their favorite charities along with the trails of notes, cards, emails and asking a genuine "how are you?" You healing people, my healing souls, you give me fortitude, always letting me know that you are there, thinking about my family. Those of you who offer to pick up my sister's children, sending your meals, lending your time and offering a helping hand..........you are the ones. As my mom used to say many times, "Your reward will be in heaven."
I believe this question will be asked of us in the world that lies beyond this, "What did you do for another and what truly lies in your heart?" Our God knows what is in your heart, each and every one of you. Thank you for your constant efforts in making the life of another person or persons your priority, when in a world of craziness, you are taking the time. Chrissy was humbled by the support given to her and her family during her ailing days. In her final weeks of breathing life, she wanted me to extend to all her upmost gratitude. She physically wasn't capable, but she tried to care for her home, her children, her husband. There were times she didn't want to accept the outpouring of devotion, as she wanted to do it herself. As most of us realize, it is much easier to give than to receive, but in accepting the help, I believe she gave to all of us maturity in our own soul's journey. Peace, hope and gratefulness.......from one heart to our special healing people who rise up in giving.
When you have learned how to decide with God, all decisions become as easy and as right as breathing. There is no effort, and you will be led as gently as if you were being carried down a quiet path in summer. In choosing to give of ourselves, we decide with God.
Some days I live.......I truly live feeling her presence and constant guidance beside me. Some days a smile will find its way upon my face. I will think of her and smile, and there aren't any set times or reasons. Perhaps when I'm choosing an item at the store, hearing a familiar song, eating a lucious dinner or watching her daughter, Maria, play as Chrissy did when she was that age. Other days are very difficult, feeling her spirit, trying to find my path, living this new way, watching her children trying to find their way as well. Some days when I see her children ache for her presence, then I'm at a loss as to what this is all about. I say in my journaling that when a deep loss is experienced, it is felt strongly and one never thinks it will go away. It doesn't truly ever go away; it's always a part of our new life, whatever transformations takes place, but the intensity I know will change, and you learn to live along with it. I know that through my own parents' deaths, and I am now learning to live with it through my own sister's death. My sister will always be there for me, but now in a new way, and I suppose those who knew her well...feel it, too. As each day ends and another one begins, I look for strength to make my life better......to make myself a better person. Sometimes the healing people are my driving force and for that I am grateful. They ask questions and listen, they truly hear my cries, they give support through kind emails and letters without expecting a response, and they never question where I am in this journey.....always offering support in thought, words or deeds . Their support is also shown in their continuous efforts such as recognizing the Komen Race, participating in the Relays for Life or making donations in memory of my sister to their favorite charities along with the trails of notes, cards, emails and asking a genuine "how are you?" You healing people, my healing souls, you give me fortitude, always letting me know that you are there, thinking about my family. Those of you who offer to pick up my sister's children, sending your meals, lending your time and offering a helping hand..........you are the ones. As my mom used to say many times, "Your reward will be in heaven."
I believe this question will be asked of us in the world that lies beyond this, "What did you do for another and what truly lies in your heart?" Our God knows what is in your heart, each and every one of you. Thank you for your constant efforts in making the life of another person or persons your priority, when in a world of craziness, you are taking the time. Chrissy was humbled by the support given to her and her family during her ailing days. In her final weeks of breathing life, she wanted me to extend to all her upmost gratitude. She physically wasn't capable, but she tried to care for her home, her children, her husband. There were times she didn't want to accept the outpouring of devotion, as she wanted to do it herself. As most of us realize, it is much easier to give than to receive, but in accepting the help, I believe she gave to all of us maturity in our own soul's journey. Peace, hope and gratefulness.......from one heart to our special healing people who rise up in giving.
When you have learned how to decide with God, all decisions become as easy and as right as breathing. There is no effort, and you will be led as gently as if you were being carried down a quiet path in summer. In choosing to give of ourselves, we decide with God.
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