My inspiration today is from a pilot series that aired last night on television called, "Touch." Normally I wouldn't use my website for advertising a television program, but this particular show is very different and struck a cord with me. The dad is played by Kiefer Sutherland, who has a son that appears to have autism. The message I heard after watching this pilot was how we are all connected in some way throughout the world, nothing is by chance, and to what length would you go to help another human being? Although some of the events seemed quite inflated and not possible; I tried to keep an open mind, and I asked myself how this pertained to my own life. Am I doing enough or noticing the messages that are put before me each and every day? The first episode after this pilot will not be aired until March 19th on the Fox network. Try to Google: "Touch" on the Fox network and take a peek. It's a drama, and at the very least something quite different than the usual.
When the loss of a dear loved one has invaded your life, many of us consider our own lives and where we need to be. If we've learned any lesson in death around us, it's to take a life inventory and adjust our own values perhaps, taking into account what really matters in life. In the days, weeks and years since my parents' passing, my values have taken root, and I knew from early on that family, faith and love were more important than anything tangible in this world. It is clear to me now that I was never influenced strongly by a certain career. I knew that life could change in a moment's notice, so being constantly centered on a career did not consume my life; rather, knowing I needed to support myself did.
While I give thanks to God for my husband, our home, the food on our table, our clothes and a secure job that helps us live where we do; I realize it is a blessing and not a given. I look around at all the material needs some folks have with this wavering economy, and I bow down before the Great One because not all are as fortunate as myself. I don't have a mansion or fancy cars, but I have a warm, comfortable home with flourishing schools, a Leave It to Beaver type neighborhood and a vehicle that gets me to where I need to be (most days). My closet isn't filled with designer clothes or upscale shoes, but the clothes I wear serve their purpose, protect me and have a sense of style at times. There isn't a vacation home awaiting us whenever we feel the need to getaway, but we have had the privilege of taking relaxing vacations that the kids will cherish forever. My jewels are few, but I have many keepsakes that hold priceless value because of the loved ones who gave them to me. When I look at all the blessings given to me, I take pause as should most of us. Many of us have these things that may not be worth a great deal on the market, but they are keepsakes in our heart and we have material items that help us freely navigate throughout the day than most do in the world.
So the ultimate question I have asked myself for many years is "Am I where I need to be?" Am I doing the work in this world that I was meant to do? Is this God's plan for my life? Do I notice those in need and take action? Do I tithe and give where I am financially able? Am I using the gifts that I was given to help my fellow man? Are you where you need to be? If you met God tomorrow, would you be able to share with him your total devotion to Him?
If you happen to know of a death in a family or an unforseen tragedy, take notice, especially to those people who are friends or neighbors. Maybe your gift is writing so send a note or card telling that person that you are thinking of them. For all you talkers out there, make a phone call and say, "I'm thinking about you, how are you today?" Some of you may be decent at cooking or baking, then prepare a meal or dessert. Perhaps some of you are more financially able to give, then send a gift card that could be used at a later time or make a donation to your favorite charity in their loved one's name. Some of us might be better at prayer then PRAY, but let that person know through a phone call or card that you are doing that. Genuine sincerity is key, but if you're still at a loss about what to do then talk with a friend or your spouse and ask for their input. Chances are someone you know has experienced loss or illness in a family and they could offer suggestions. The bottom line is this: ask yourself if you're doing enough in helping mankind, with helping a family member or helping a friend. Don't let time pass you by, touch another by lending a helping hand, offering words of support........pay it forward.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Be A Big Girl
This holiday season I know there are many who are struggling with so much more grief, pain or turmoil than myself. I think of my sister-in-law, Connie, who continues to fight her cancer battle, and is now heading to MD Anderson in Texas to find some remedies. I am witness to her bravery, her spirit, her continued faithfulness to God, and I tell myself to be a big girl, stop thinking about what you don't have. I continue to write my thoughts as it gives me peace and a sense of relief to recount some of the stories of my family, and sometimes unload some thoughts. I feel blessed with the very air that I breathe, the family and friends that God has blessed me with and with my amazing children that I cherish each and every day, whether I loose my temper on some days while on other days I can laugh with them. They are the reason for me to get up each and every morning and to make every day count. There's never a day that goes by that I don't reflect on my purpose in life. When I think about such things, my mind may wonder, my facial expressions may lead someone to think that something is wrong. Perhaps the blank stare on my face might be interpreted as one of sadness, but it's different emotions that pass in and out.....sometimes all at the same time. Sometimes I find myself observing what is right in front of me and giving thanks and feeling peace.
One of the phrases that Chrissy and I used to share with each other when we were dealing with a difficult situation, and we wanted to get through it was to say to ourselves: "Be a big girl." We used to use that phrase especially before a trip to the doctor, where we knew we would be getting a SHOT!! We tried to psyche ourselves out that saying those words would lessen the pain. We found ourselves laughing at times, so perhaps the pain vanished between our chuckles. Those few words were like an invisible bandaid, and magical words that lasted us through our adult years. A few months ago, I felt myself slipping again, slipping into that ol' familiar feeling of deep sadness or grief. Truly seeing what was missing.....she was missing.....and it wasn't what I wanted for her kids or for Frank, and I especially didn't envision this to happen in my life or her life. It wasn't supposed to happen, but it did. I was feeling all those emotions I felt when she was experiencing her physical pain and the helplessness I felt then seemed to be returning. I longed to talk with her and share those same conversations we used to, but when those discussions weren't there or when our laughs were not being exchanged; it hit me like a ton of bricks. I lost my breath yet again, and the deep sadness returned. The sadness is always there, but there's another sadness that goes deeper, the one that cuts deeper. It's at that very moment when you reach the realization that nothing will ever be the same. I've been here before dark place. I left briefly, but here I am again. Life as I once knew it will never be the same.....
I find myself repeating these familiar words: "Not only do I miss and long to see her face, but my life as it once was will never be the same." All the dreams, the visions, the future plans have all vanished and new ones have to be exchanged. Thus begins the long journey of learning and finding the new. It is then that I whisper this phrase in my mind: "Be a big girl.....BE A BIG GIRL!!!" I don't care to talk with others these days except my husband, my children and those in my inner circle. Sometimes the everyday conversations are like salt hitting a wound. I play along and smile, but my mind wanders. I don't care to hear, and I know that sounds terrible, but I don't have the energy to listen about your busy schedules or your aches and pains. So this past month, if I was invited to an event that I really didn't want to attend, I repeated those words to myself. If I was engaging in a conversation, I repeated those words still. When Thanksgiving approached I prayed and whispered those words again, and it helped. Oddly enough, I began to smile as Christmas time beckoned. When the date of her death approached, I said them to myself so much that it seemed as though Chrissy herself was talking to me. It was then that I imagined the tremendous joy my sister must be feeling being in the presence with Jesus, my parents, my grandparents and all the others who have passed before me. I think heaven is so much more than our mind can even grasp. Perhaps that is why it is so challenging sometimes to relate to their joy rather than our sorrow. I can only imagine..........so then my grief appears as selfish, doesn't it? That's what I'm thinking today. I hope she understands......I hope God understands. I thank God for the friendship I had with my sister and for the words, "Be a big girl." In this year of 2012 I will try to be a big girl, but remember that some days I just might be having a little girl day.
One of the phrases that Chrissy and I used to share with each other when we were dealing with a difficult situation, and we wanted to get through it was to say to ourselves: "Be a big girl." We used to use that phrase especially before a trip to the doctor, where we knew we would be getting a SHOT!! We tried to psyche ourselves out that saying those words would lessen the pain. We found ourselves laughing at times, so perhaps the pain vanished between our chuckles. Those few words were like an invisible bandaid, and magical words that lasted us through our adult years. A few months ago, I felt myself slipping again, slipping into that ol' familiar feeling of deep sadness or grief. Truly seeing what was missing.....she was missing.....and it wasn't what I wanted for her kids or for Frank, and I especially didn't envision this to happen in my life or her life. It wasn't supposed to happen, but it did. I was feeling all those emotions I felt when she was experiencing her physical pain and the helplessness I felt then seemed to be returning. I longed to talk with her and share those same conversations we used to, but when those discussions weren't there or when our laughs were not being exchanged; it hit me like a ton of bricks. I lost my breath yet again, and the deep sadness returned. The sadness is always there, but there's another sadness that goes deeper, the one that cuts deeper. It's at that very moment when you reach the realization that nothing will ever be the same. I've been here before dark place. I left briefly, but here I am again. Life as I once knew it will never be the same.....
I find myself repeating these familiar words: "Not only do I miss and long to see her face, but my life as it once was will never be the same." All the dreams, the visions, the future plans have all vanished and new ones have to be exchanged. Thus begins the long journey of learning and finding the new. It is then that I whisper this phrase in my mind: "Be a big girl.....BE A BIG GIRL!!!" I don't care to talk with others these days except my husband, my children and those in my inner circle. Sometimes the everyday conversations are like salt hitting a wound. I play along and smile, but my mind wanders. I don't care to hear, and I know that sounds terrible, but I don't have the energy to listen about your busy schedules or your aches and pains. So this past month, if I was invited to an event that I really didn't want to attend, I repeated those words to myself. If I was engaging in a conversation, I repeated those words still. When Thanksgiving approached I prayed and whispered those words again, and it helped. Oddly enough, I began to smile as Christmas time beckoned. When the date of her death approached, I said them to myself so much that it seemed as though Chrissy herself was talking to me. It was then that I imagined the tremendous joy my sister must be feeling being in the presence with Jesus, my parents, my grandparents and all the others who have passed before me. I think heaven is so much more than our mind can even grasp. Perhaps that is why it is so challenging sometimes to relate to their joy rather than our sorrow. I can only imagine..........so then my grief appears as selfish, doesn't it? That's what I'm thinking today. I hope she understands......I hope God understands. I thank God for the friendship I had with my sister and for the words, "Be a big girl." In this year of 2012 I will try to be a big girl, but remember that some days I just might be having a little girl day.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Family Is First, Last And Always
At the end of this day of the anniversary of my sister's passing, the phrase: "Family is first, last and always" resounds in my head recalling mom's words in the note that she left for us kids after her passing. This phrase I take to heart and perhaps angels continue to remind me of those words when I feel our family is not what it used to be. Looking at me in the sibling chain, the fourth child of five, she saw me as the peace keeper, the one who would keep this family together. There I was at the age of 22, once a naive little girl, then after her passing feeling as though a vice had just taken hold of my soul, and with each beat of my heart the vice grew tighter. Barbie was given this responsibility, or so I felt in her last words to me, to us. How on earth was I going to fulfill that task??? It seemed a daunting task, but I tried and do try to uphold what she wanted me to do in this family. I'll never forget that day when my sister, Deni, gathered us in the livingroom of my mom's house, the home where I still lived at that time, and those words were read by my brother. All of us wondering what our next move would be, still in shock from the events that had just transpired. Where would this journey take us now? Why did this have to happen? Who would be present and who would not? Over the years time would tell, and I took those last words from my mother to the deepest part of my soul knowing that I would try my best to fulfill her wishes.
She shared her thoughts about each one of us and what gifts and responsibilities we were given, she encouraged us to carry on and told us how much we were loved. In life there are words that we don't want to hear, but if they're spoken by our loved ones, we never forget them. We all recognized our mom's love for holding our family above all after God. She always instilled that in us, and each of us has our own interpretation of that I suppose. We felt the expectations to be at all family gatherings near and far, and working a job wasn't an excuse. You better try to rearrange your schedule because family is always first. Lately, that appointed task has been more challenging to uphold during these holidays, and I find myself tired. I find that being with Marty, the kids and myself are all I want to do. But if I don't uphold what my mother spoke, what will happen? It is a journey isn't it? Should I act like much of the world and put me first, but then what would happen? Look at what's happening in our society today because of that attitude.
Today marks my 100th entry onto this website that I began writing two years ago in March of 2010. Most days my sister's death feels like yesterday; yet, sometimes when I try to recall her face or a time we spent together, it feels like decades ago. Most of my entries have been shared while others were drafted for only my heart to feel at the time it was written. Written words can be a relief for the grieving soul, but the depth of the grief can be cold and misunderstood, so I kept those comments to myself. I don't want people to feel that sort of pain, the deep unconsoling grief, but to understand where I am you would have to experience the loss of a loved one. So it's a "catch 22" in the world where I live. I want you to understand me, but you can't unless you lived my life and experienced the losses I have. There are days where I feel the joy of a good time, the friendly thoughtful gesture by a friend or neighbor or the taste of a good meal, and I smile thinking of Chrissy. Other days, the tears don't stop and I ask myself, "What the hell happened? How did this all happen?" It's a part of life, I know, but it seems an aging person isn't present in my family. My Aunt Nancy is the oldest on my mom's side of the family, and to other families, that age would still be young. I wonder who will be next. Isn't that morbid? I suppose it is, but I wonder.
The modern family has taken some hard hits, and divorce is rapid worldwide. Why is that? Is there not enough emphasis on the family? Is it all about ME and what I want. Kudos to those of you who put your family first. I was instilled in my upbringing to give everything for your family, and I believe in these years without my parents, I have. Now, with Chrissy not here in this life, I find it more difficult. Perhaps we're all trying to understand the new because the old is gone. As our family experiences transition into new ways, new traditions, new friendships I take a deep breath and hope for the best because it isn't easy. The road to recovery, if you will, is a choice and takes so much work. Sometimes I don't feel like chatting with a friend or family member and other days I wonder where you've all went? Then the words of my mother give me strength and the sacrifice Jesus Christ made for me, for us, gives me pause, and I must resolve to doing what I was meant to do. If that means creating the family we were supposed to be, then I will do it.
On this day I honor my sister in so many personal adventures, one was visiting "Our Lady of the Snows." It brought me peace and hope that some day we will all be together. For now, I will instill in my own kids how important they are to each other, and how important their extended family is in building their own personal relationships. I joke with my oldest son to be nice to his little sister because someday she will be the one changing his diapers. He looks at me strangely and tells me to stop saying that, but in all the joking, there's some seriousness to my comment. I thought of the things that brought my sister joy today and then I smiled. I heard the sermon today by our priest and the subject was Joy. How appropriate was that on this bittersweet day upon reflecting not only on my sister's death but thinking of her in her new life. Our family has been brought to a place that none of us thought we would be and I chant those infamous words that mom passed on to me......"Family is first, last and always........to the end.
She shared her thoughts about each one of us and what gifts and responsibilities we were given, she encouraged us to carry on and told us how much we were loved. In life there are words that we don't want to hear, but if they're spoken by our loved ones, we never forget them. We all recognized our mom's love for holding our family above all after God. She always instilled that in us, and each of us has our own interpretation of that I suppose. We felt the expectations to be at all family gatherings near and far, and working a job wasn't an excuse. You better try to rearrange your schedule because family is always first. Lately, that appointed task has been more challenging to uphold during these holidays, and I find myself tired. I find that being with Marty, the kids and myself are all I want to do. But if I don't uphold what my mother spoke, what will happen? It is a journey isn't it? Should I act like much of the world and put me first, but then what would happen? Look at what's happening in our society today because of that attitude.
Today marks my 100th entry onto this website that I began writing two years ago in March of 2010. Most days my sister's death feels like yesterday; yet, sometimes when I try to recall her face or a time we spent together, it feels like decades ago. Most of my entries have been shared while others were drafted for only my heart to feel at the time it was written. Written words can be a relief for the grieving soul, but the depth of the grief can be cold and misunderstood, so I kept those comments to myself. I don't want people to feel that sort of pain, the deep unconsoling grief, but to understand where I am you would have to experience the loss of a loved one. So it's a "catch 22" in the world where I live. I want you to understand me, but you can't unless you lived my life and experienced the losses I have. There are days where I feel the joy of a good time, the friendly thoughtful gesture by a friend or neighbor or the taste of a good meal, and I smile thinking of Chrissy. Other days, the tears don't stop and I ask myself, "What the hell happened? How did this all happen?" It's a part of life, I know, but it seems an aging person isn't present in my family. My Aunt Nancy is the oldest on my mom's side of the family, and to other families, that age would still be young. I wonder who will be next. Isn't that morbid? I suppose it is, but I wonder.
The modern family has taken some hard hits, and divorce is rapid worldwide. Why is that? Is there not enough emphasis on the family? Is it all about ME and what I want. Kudos to those of you who put your family first. I was instilled in my upbringing to give everything for your family, and I believe in these years without my parents, I have. Now, with Chrissy not here in this life, I find it more difficult. Perhaps we're all trying to understand the new because the old is gone. As our family experiences transition into new ways, new traditions, new friendships I take a deep breath and hope for the best because it isn't easy. The road to recovery, if you will, is a choice and takes so much work. Sometimes I don't feel like chatting with a friend or family member and other days I wonder where you've all went? Then the words of my mother give me strength and the sacrifice Jesus Christ made for me, for us, gives me pause, and I must resolve to doing what I was meant to do. If that means creating the family we were supposed to be, then I will do it.
On this day I honor my sister in so many personal adventures, one was visiting "Our Lady of the Snows." It brought me peace and hope that some day we will all be together. For now, I will instill in my own kids how important they are to each other, and how important their extended family is in building their own personal relationships. I joke with my oldest son to be nice to his little sister because someday she will be the one changing his diapers. He looks at me strangely and tells me to stop saying that, but in all the joking, there's some seriousness to my comment. I thought of the things that brought my sister joy today and then I smiled. I heard the sermon today by our priest and the subject was Joy. How appropriate was that on this bittersweet day upon reflecting not only on my sister's death but thinking of her in her new life. Our family has been brought to a place that none of us thought we would be and I chant those infamous words that mom passed on to me......"Family is first, last and always........to the end.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Fah La La La La la.....la....la.....ahhhhhh
Another Thanksgiving has graced its presence in this year of 2011, and our house is bursting at the seams with holiday decor which ranges from peace and hope to a version of the Grizwald's Family Christmas. If you can envision the character, Chevy Chase, and his house; I think our house is a close second to his. Imagine Mary, Joseph and Jesus meeting up at the nearest convenience store......that would describe my house in a nutshell. (Perhaps I'm exaggerating a little)
I let the children take over this chore because I so love to watch the excitement in their eyes as we set up the lights and find just the right spot for that special ornament. It was the same excitement I felt as a kid when we would take our ride on Christmas Eve with dad to look at all the holiday decorations in the neighborhood while "Santa" left his treasures. The presents would not be brought until all the children had left. That was the story that mom was sticking to. It was a time before cell phones and "I" whatevers, but dad knew exactly how long to disappear before arriving home. I used to believe it was so magical! It's the same excitement I would feel coming home upon seeing our house lit up with Christmas cheer where Santa had so lovingly decorated our house with lights and the family Christmas tree. I enjoy seeing that same excitement in my kids' eyes. In decorating so early this year, we took some heat from the neighbors as we began our holiday traditions during last weekend's heat wave. "How could you, it's not even Thanksgiving," was a comment we heard from our lovely neighbor. We'll see how they feel in 20 degree weather climbing their rooves and handling their Christmas treasures. It's only going to get colder, right! So it made sense to me to begin a little earlier this year, and we were able to enjoy time together like taking walks in nature and watching movies during their school break.
The ache still lingers, though, missing my loved ones. I started my Christmas baking this weekend because I remember how my sissy loved my cookies, but it still hurts. Through it all I feel as though I'm battling the choice to live differently through the traditions, living without the ones we love as we used to. Everything is different.....at least it is for me. I was not eager to face the approaching Thanksgiving Day, hoping it would leave quietly, as I didn't want to celebrate it. I have lots to be grateful for, but I wanted to thank God in peace and quiet. If it weren't for my kids and my mom's lingering words that "family is first, last and always," I would hve chosen to read a good book in the quiet of my bed, eating a cold turkey sandwich slathered with Miracle Whip, iceberg lettuce and a touch of salt and pepper followed by a slice of my favorite pie, washed down with an ice cold something. That sounds lovely to me. But my destiny is not of that making. The holidays become time frames, talking about who can come and who can't, what foods to prepare, what to buy, and it seems to go on and on. I may sound like Scrooge, but it becomes noisy to me, and that noise tends to drown out the peace in my heart, unless I take time to find it. Peace is within all of us, but these holidays can sure shake it up, don't they? I prepared our Thanksgiving feast with my sister, Sue, and my neice, Cassie, and our families, and we all understood. Life goes on whether our loved ones are here or not. Sometimes that just plain sucks to me. Thank God for my children who encourage me to celebrate because the smiles on their faces make all the difference. They are a blessing indeed! I pray that I bring them the same visions of joy in this holy season just as my parents created for me no matter how I feel inside. Perhaps it's by the grace of God that we learn to experience joy, but it's a battle of the wills for me.
I hesitated to write this entry because it's not always what people want to hear. Life is good, but there's also the reality that life is so different. During this season of Fah La Lahing; I pray to God to help me see because my heart is having trouble seeing today.
I let the children take over this chore because I so love to watch the excitement in their eyes as we set up the lights and find just the right spot for that special ornament. It was the same excitement I felt as a kid when we would take our ride on Christmas Eve with dad to look at all the holiday decorations in the neighborhood while "Santa" left his treasures. The presents would not be brought until all the children had left. That was the story that mom was sticking to. It was a time before cell phones and "I" whatevers, but dad knew exactly how long to disappear before arriving home. I used to believe it was so magical! It's the same excitement I would feel coming home upon seeing our house lit up with Christmas cheer where Santa had so lovingly decorated our house with lights and the family Christmas tree. I enjoy seeing that same excitement in my kids' eyes. In decorating so early this year, we took some heat from the neighbors as we began our holiday traditions during last weekend's heat wave. "How could you, it's not even Thanksgiving," was a comment we heard from our lovely neighbor. We'll see how they feel in 20 degree weather climbing their rooves and handling their Christmas treasures. It's only going to get colder, right! So it made sense to me to begin a little earlier this year, and we were able to enjoy time together like taking walks in nature and watching movies during their school break.
The ache still lingers, though, missing my loved ones. I started my Christmas baking this weekend because I remember how my sissy loved my cookies, but it still hurts. Through it all I feel as though I'm battling the choice to live differently through the traditions, living without the ones we love as we used to. Everything is different.....at least it is for me. I was not eager to face the approaching Thanksgiving Day, hoping it would leave quietly, as I didn't want to celebrate it. I have lots to be grateful for, but I wanted to thank God in peace and quiet. If it weren't for my kids and my mom's lingering words that "family is first, last and always," I would hve chosen to read a good book in the quiet of my bed, eating a cold turkey sandwich slathered with Miracle Whip, iceberg lettuce and a touch of salt and pepper followed by a slice of my favorite pie, washed down with an ice cold something. That sounds lovely to me. But my destiny is not of that making. The holidays become time frames, talking about who can come and who can't, what foods to prepare, what to buy, and it seems to go on and on. I may sound like Scrooge, but it becomes noisy to me, and that noise tends to drown out the peace in my heart, unless I take time to find it. Peace is within all of us, but these holidays can sure shake it up, don't they? I prepared our Thanksgiving feast with my sister, Sue, and my neice, Cassie, and our families, and we all understood. Life goes on whether our loved ones are here or not. Sometimes that just plain sucks to me. Thank God for my children who encourage me to celebrate because the smiles on their faces make all the difference. They are a blessing indeed! I pray that I bring them the same visions of joy in this holy season just as my parents created for me no matter how I feel inside. Perhaps it's by the grace of God that we learn to experience joy, but it's a battle of the wills for me.
I hesitated to write this entry because it's not always what people want to hear. Life is good, but there's also the reality that life is so different. During this season of Fah La Lahing; I pray to God to help me see because my heart is having trouble seeing today.
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