Just Say Something Do Something

 Honestly, I don't always know what it is that I expect or need from anyone sometimes.  When the emotion hits me; I try to feel it, as painful as life can be.   I need to feel all parts of this journey whether I want to or not.  That's where  the healing happens, atleast for me.  There are days when I scream because the pain of missing her physical presence in my life is so powerful.  For those that walk this road with me, thank you for your patience, but never hurry me to your expectations.  That's what I miss most about my sister because she allowed me that opportunity to just put it out there or not.  Sometimes I would say, "I can't talk about it right now, while other times, I could pour myself out to her.  When she could sense that something was bothering me, she would instantly say, "What's wrong?"  I felt that she honestly heard me and wanted to know why I was feeling the way I was.  Not everyone really wants to know.  They may mean well, but I try to weed out who really wants to know and who doesn't.  I don't have the energy or patience to wait for people to respond to what has happened in our lives.   Perhaps some are afraid to walk the walk with me, and that's where it's awkward when I run into someone who knows or doesn't know.  Do I tell them for fear that they will not know what to say?  Do I tell them because it would let them know that I'm hurting?   Why?  Will it help my sister return?   Perhaps my lack of conversing with them might be misunderstood or thought of as aloof.  Do I care?  Not anymore.  Sometimes I  can't make the small talk or hear about someone else's aches and pains when I feel my heart is ready to explode.  My tolerance level and filter are low; therefor, I stay in seclusion.  I'm not feeling sorry for myself; rather reading, learning and trying to figure out my life in this new way.  Sometimes being in the busy world is too distracting for me, and I find it more comforting to be in solitude or with my family.  They know and can accept that part of me.  As I've learned over time, most everyone will experience grief in some form:  a death, a divorce, loneliness.   All of us have our journey, but for me, the grief is in the loss of my sister, my friend, my confidant, my Chrissy. 
One morning, I asked my husband, Marty, if he's read any of my entries.  He tends to be at his busiest during this time of year with IEP's and meetings through Special School District so I don't expect him to read, but I do value his input.  I wanted to know his reactions as well as his insights.  He had this sort of strange grin on his face, and I thought he was going to say something awful about my website; however, after reading six of my entries, he's reading some unknown parts about me and worried that I'm going to put something out there about HIM.   Anyone who knows Marty, knows that he is very down to earth, and he uses a lot of humor.  His concerns to me were that he didn't want me to put anything out there about him......venting my anger, if any, out here in the public eye.  I had to smile and chuckle and relayed to him:  "Just give me everything that my heart desires, and you'll be okay my friend.  (LOL)  You gotta love him!  During Chrissy's battle with cancer, my relationship only strengthened with Marty.   When he would  listen to my fears, frustrations and the tears would fall onto his shirt.....I wasn't sure he was hearing me because he would stay silent.  I would yell out at him.   "Just say something....do something,"  as I sobbed.   Sometimes things need to be talked about in order to get through them and sometimes there needs to be a listening ear. 

Through the death of  my parents and especially my sister, I have felt and feel the awkwardness of those who don't know what to say.  This weekend, my husband's niece, Becca, got married.  During  the rehearsal dinner, a nephew by marriage began asking me how Frank was doing and myself and the kids.  I paused for a few seconds, as I had to check if Ryan really wanted to hear it, and should I put it out there?   I was so glad he asked, even though I burst into tears telling him all about  Frank and how much I respect what he is doing for Maria and Frankie.  It cuts you in the deepest part of your heart, but I was relieved he asked.  Of course, he felt horrible that I was crying.  Through the tears, though, I relayed to him how grateful I was that he had asked.  It's more awkward when people don't ask or don't really listen.  It's okay to cry.   It requires more energy to hold back the emotions.....to pretend.  Why do we pretend that our lives haven't been through a devastating, life altering event?  Whether it's your sister, your spouse, your child, your dear friend, a grandparent, an aunt or uncle....why do we pretend?  Sometimes we don't want to talk about it, but I believe it's only a positive when someone shows their concern.   In some ways, there is a blessing to this experience, but in other ways it's very surreal when you think about your actions and words  living through this.....for my sister's kids living through this.  We have been through an emotional rollercoaster for quite some time.  If we pretend without showing our true emotions; what's the sense of moving or doing anything?  The world continues on, but our lives, for those of us that grieve, we move.....we only move.  We don't quite know where we're moving.  It's a day to day learning experience.   After attending the wedding rehearsal and wedding for Marty's neice, Becca, it's still awkward for me.  Even four months later after Chrissy's passing, social situations are not easy.  I would rather be in my own comfort zone at home without idle chit chat.   That's not to say that I don't care, but I have nothing to give back....my personality is trying to fill up, but I don't know if it ever will be the same.  That's what I'm learning right now.  How to live without being the way I was before.   My time is just mine for now.....a sister who is missing and grieving for her sister.  What I'm feeling may not be what someone else is feeling, but that's where it is for me.  All I can offer for you is this.   If you know someone who is feeling the loss of a loved one or caring for someone who is sick; just say something or do something without being asked.......write a note with a kind thought, send an email or card to say, "hello", prepare a dinner, give a hug.  Be creative, but don't say, "Call me if you need anything", because most likely, the person grieving will not.   Kind gestures are always welcome, and I thank all of you who have given of themselves to our family by doing.....just doing.  I know Chrissy is grateful for the ones who have stayed by her Frank and the children, too.  Life is too short for wouldas, couldas, shouldas.....just say something, do something.


"Each person comes into this world with a specific destiny--he has something to fulfill, some message has to be delivered, some work has to be completed. You are not here accidentally--you are here meaningfully. There is a purpose behind you. The whole intends to do something through you."

             - by Osho