Are You Living With Purpose?

Each day, each hour, each minute, each step doesn't go without thinking of my sister, her family, and what it is I need to do in my lifetime to honor her, help her kids, to help Frank.  Better yet, I hope I'm living my life dedicated to doing good, living with purpose, doing what I am meant to do.  No one can make this grief better, but we can learn to live with purpose in our own actions, helping others, which will hopefully lead us to a joyful content place in our lives.  I don't exactly know what it is that God wants for me, but each day I pray for guidance.  Perhaps each day is different as to what I am to do or accomplish.  Maybe I'm doing it, but I seem to want more answers most of the time.  I listen to that voice inside me that I tend to ignore at times, but I know that's where I need to listen......that's where I'll find those answers.  Those around me may not understand my actions, but for now, I need to follow that voice if I am to heal.   My daily prayer is this:   "Lord, what is Your desire for my life?  Please show me Your plan, and make Your will absolutely clear so I can do it." 

As I live these days without talking to Chrissy, asking her advice about kids, friendships, marriage, laughing aloud about anything; I wonder how I can live in this new way, not being able to do that the way I used to.  I seek my answers through the heart because that's where she lies, within my heart.  That's where I've been these past six months:  praying, reevaluating my own life, prioritizing where I want to be, doing for her family, being with my kids and husband, hoping I'm doing the best I can.  That's all any of us can do, trying the best that we can. Somedays it's easier than others, but I keep trying for my husband, for my kids, for her kids, for God.   I cannot replace her, no one can, but when I think about what they're missing, it tears at my heart strings when watching Frankie and Maria.  Like squinting  through a dense fog, I am trying to see the blessings that are happening, and I am learning........slowly.   Some days, taking two steps forward and one step back, my journey unfolds.  I wonder if God is thinking, when is she ever going to understand, to believe, without any questions or doubts that an ultimate purpose is happening right now.  I suppose He has to keep showing me everyday, and I look for them....those signs....I never stop looking for them.  This new way of living is not easy, and I do it kicking and literally screaming at times. Sometimes when I shut the rest of the world out, there is such peace, feeling that divine energy around me.   I suppose I could choose to do nothing and put these thoughts aside, living my life as before, but then what have I learned?  In my heart of hearts, I think it would haunt me down the road if I haven't changed from this traumatic experience.  It's a fact of life......people die, tragedies happen, relationships fizzle, priorites change, emotions run wild.....we must learn to live with them or not live at all.  As painful as it can be, especially when seeing the faces of her children without their mother, I tell myself to face it head on.  Their pain is so visible, yet I also see their relentless desire for happiness.  That alone motivates me to live with purpose.  I see their eyes as they search for her in me, and I say to myself, I must live with purpose.   So it is up to me, us, her family and friends to be there for them.....guiding them to a day when perhaps they can smile again after hearing stories of their mom. 

In this journey, some have stayed through various ways, but life happens, busyness takes over and some have drifted away.  I've seen this happen before after the deaths of my parents.  People gather in support at the beginning, but then there's people you'll never hear from or see again.  They say the infamous comment, "Call me if you need anything."  Rather than say that, say I'm sorry and then do.  Maybe out of site out of mind sets in or awkwardness.....or perhaps their own lives get too busy.  I'm not sure what it is.  It's a choice, though, whether consciously or not....it is always a choice.  As my life unfolds, I continue to ask myself that question, "Am I living with purpose?"   What questions are you or should you be asking of yourselves?   Are you living with purpose?

Your soul mission is your reason for being, your life purpose. It's your calling in life--who you feel called to be, what you feel called to do. Mission is an energy that flows through you--a drive, voice, or passion that you cannot ignore... It's what you know in your heart you must live if you are to experience inner peace and harmony.

        By Alan Seale