Bombs bursting, firecrackers popping, bottle rockets whizzing, kids screaming, adults barbecuing and drinking fun beverages; those are my memories of all our July Fourths. As far back as I can remember, dad was a fan of the fireworks, and we so enjoyed our big trip to Alton, running into the big red and white tent. We bought our smoke bombs, firecrackers, sparklers and of course the stinky black-smoked snakes. I don't know if it was the actual visions of seeing them go off or was it the one time of year we were allowed to use a lighter or a punk to ignite our fireworks. Either way, it was a childhood delight in the Meyer home and it became a traditon for many July Fourths to follow. Some were injured over the years as I recall people flying out of their lawn chairs as a roaming candle turned on its destination. Lots of screaming but ultimately, we would laugh and bawl out the culprits who were careless. Our husbands adore the thrill of the firecrackers and bottle rockets as well. The sisters love the enormity of all the tastes of foods and the celebrations that surround this summer event. One year, possibly the same year my dad had died, we had a big blow out of a celebration on the Fourth. For those that grieve, sometimes being surrounded by a crowd distracts you from the one missing.....the new ways that follow, along with saying goodbye to the old traditions and reluctantly embracing the new ones. Sometimes the loud noises of the crowds pull you away from that emptiness you feel. On the other hand, some of us tend to enjoy the silence still. Perhaps some may find that strange, but in the silence I feel Chrissy and my parents around me along with all my other loved ones who have passed on to their new life. In crowds of people, I tend to lose their faces; there is an awkward silence for me even in the noise; like feeling that you have forgotten something when you leave the house. There's no easy way to live this life; you just have live it and hope for the best. I find myself looking above me and searching for some sign. Maybe that sign is right in front of me and I overlook it or perhaps the sign isn't there at all, but I find myself always looking and asking, "Where are you?"
One particular Fourth of July, the July before Chrissy was diagnosed her first time around in August of 2007 with breast cancer, I remember being at Cassie's house, along with the other couples in the family, and we would often lead our conversations to "what if's". What if you won a million dollars, what would you do first? What if you had one wish, what would it be? On this occasion, sitting on Cassie and Kyle's back patio, awaiting the start of the fireworks, I remember the question being asked, "What if your spouse dies, would you still visit the family functions of your inlaws and would you remarry?" We all had our answers, and we would answer for other people, knowing their personalities. Some of our responses stunned other family members, and we chuckled at each others' expressions and some were even appauled that we would consider not visiting the inlaws. It's ironic that shortly after, only a month and a half after that event that our world was rocked with the news of Chrissy's breast cancer. We found ourselves asking how could this happen to one so young, with young children and with so much promise and possibility. Never would I have thought this would have been Chrissy's outcome......never. Never would I have imagined her not being here in the physical sense, missing all of our traditions and gatherings. I know she's here, but in a different way, and that is difficult to bear for those of us that breathe the air. Don't get me wrong, all of us were shocked and frightened by her original diagnosis, but we held onto hope; hope that this would pass, and we would all laugh about it later, only to come up with more "what ifs." Our what if questions are silly and don't even make sense sometimes, but it would make us laugh and we would discuss as families often do. It's really ironic discussing that question only a few years ago because when it really happens, your reaction isn't what you thought it would be. I have decided that it is better to know when your time is coming because you can have that opportunity to say what you want and have no regrets......the opportunity is there for us to take. Of course, we never truly know because we are not in control of our destiny......God is......but somehow having a vision of what might be gives us a choice. It gives a choice to say, to act to change our hearts if need be.
Fourth of July was also supposed to be the due date to my second son, Luke, back in 2003. Needless to say, he was born on July 1st, but he still thinks these fireworks are meant for him. I wonder if the nieces and nephews will have "what if" questions as they grow up, too? I'm sure they will, but the what ifs will be about Aunt Chrissy. They already are.....each day.....as we live new adventures and holidays without her, my children ask what if questions. Who am I kidding? I ask the what if questions, too. What would Aunt Chrissy think of this? Do you think she sees us? Mommy, what if you get sick like Aunt Chrissy, will you die? Some of these what if questions leave me stumped because none of us will ever know all of the answers, and my children have learned this, too. Sometimes I tell them that I don't know. I tell them we will live our best and pray to God that He will show us the way, and someday.....I know someday, we will see her, hug her and celebrate together in heaven . In the meantime, we live these days, we try our best, we celebrate when we can and we continue to hope. Hope is all we have to live this day.....this 4th of July. May you and yours find hope, joy and inner peace on this July 4th of 2010.
"Never turn your back on someone holding a lit bottle rocket"
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