Dreams are messages that either move the heart or at times frighten and surprise us. Many a mornings I look over at Marty and say, "Where the heck did that dream come from????" On most mornings I wake up not remembering anything. I've read a few books lately by those who have lost their loved ones in death, and all of them say that it took a long time before they dreamt of their loved ones....sometimes months and even years. There are no clear reasons why this happens. Perhaps our emotions shut down and somehow protect us from the deep sadness, allowing our hearts to forget. Some say the trauma of the illness, the death blocks anything about our loved one to enter into our hearts at night. Some theories are that our emotions are so shocked by death that it blocks that spiritual energy.....even when our loved ones are trying to contact us through our dreams. It sounds unbelievable, but I have no doubt that my loved ones have shown up at some time or other trying to talk with me. I wish it happened more frequently, but don't we always wish there would be more time with them them? I think we're always asking for more time....whether it's being here with us or being present in our in our dreams. Maybe we dream about them more than we can remember.
In my life's experiences, I have found it frustrating not to have more visits in my dreams by those that have died, especially mom, dad, grandma and now Chrissy. Strangely, what seems prevalent in my dreams is finding that the deceased member doesn't see themselves as deceased. We miss them, we mourn for them and we long for their presence; yet, it in my dreams, they appear to behave very casual.....like nothing ever happened. They don't see themselves as dead. Still, perhaps they know that they are always by our sides; yet, we loose sight of that or feel too much grief to recognize that. If we believe in what our faith tells us, I suppose there is some truth to that. I'm convinced there is no time in the world beyond ours. Every hour without Chrissy here on earth seems like a day to me. In my thoughts, I tell myself that I've lost her in the physical sense, why can't she materialize in my dreams? I relax, pray intently, and still, she doesn't surface. How is it that people I care about so much don't enter my dreams as much as I would like them? I don't understand the logic and probably never will, and in this grief it saddens me even more. The dream factor is a mystery to me as are so many other occurences in life.
My first recollection of mom turning up in my dreams happened many months, perhaps even a year after her death.. There was a time in my life when I was really concerned about my finances, my personal life......well, everything seemed so unclear and foggy. One minute she's here and the next she's gone, and we were trying to live a new way yet again. My dream began by seeing loaves of bread sprawled all over this room. Every inch of space was covered with fresh loaves of bakery bread. I looked across the room and there sat my mom, acting like I just saw her an hour ago. She casually smiled and said, "Barbie, everything will be okay......everything will be okay." We hugged, she smiled and then disappeared. I woke up feeling that all would be okay. From that moment on......I took baby steps, still uncertain but not afraid anymore to move, to live, to explore this world we call life.
These days as I take baby steps to find my new way, I hope and pray for Chrissy to appear in my dreams. There was a short dream during the week of her death, but it was unsettling, and since then I hadn't seen her until recently; the night Frankie spent the night. It's been about seven months since her death, and she finally decided to show up. Every night I ask and pray for her to appear in my dreams.....hoping, wishing.......one more real conversation with her. On this particular night, it wasn't any different than any other night, except that I was looking over Frankie as he dosed off to sleep. Perhaps it was little Frankie bringing his mama back for me......I couldn't say....only a thought. All in this life is a mystery to me, but on this night, she came. In this dream, I was the one who was getting some sort of medicine intravenously while sitting in a hospital chair. As I looked at the nurse who was standing in front of me; there she was standing beside the nurse.....Chrissy........smiling at me with a radiance about her......appearing like the size of an extra large doll. She looked at me like she hadn't been gone that long.....as if I shouldn't be missing her. It was almost as if she didn't like the attention I was giving her. On most occasions when one of us would attend social events or be taking a trip, we would bite at the bullet waiting for the details afterwards. I found myself in this dream yelling the questions, "Oh my gosh, is that you? Is that really you?? What is it like??? What happened to you??? Did you meet God????? I want to know the details.....what happened to you?" I couldn't get the questions out quick enough to her when I paused, looked at her, and she beamed from ear to ear without saying anything. She glanced at me like I was insane and said, "It's all good, Barbie. It's great, it's all good. You can't even imagine." Then I felt as if she was trying to leave the room without me seeing her.....without me missing her.......but my last vision was of her smiling at me. I woke up in the middle of the night with a smile on my face, and I found myself saying , "Thank you, thats all I needed."
Dreams are a strange phenomenon, aren't they? It was shortly after my dad's death when we received a phone call from our family friend/relative type: Betty Pavilege. Betty was related through marriage on my dad's side of the family, and always meant a great deal to us. She wasn't related by blood, but she was related in the spirit, and we would see her at Thanksgivings and Easters. She had sort of a peaceful, clairvoyant presence, a spiritual soul who was very special to our family. One day I arrived home to hear a message of a dream that Betty had, and she was so lovely to share it on our answering machine. She'll never know what that meant to me and to my family that particular day. She went on to say that our dad appeared to her in a dream. She hadn't dreamt of him ever until this day. Strangely enough, he stood before her drinking a glass of milk. It seemed odd to her that he would be doing that. He was smiling and continued drinking a glass of milk, and she felt him saying to her that he was doing okay. She didn't know why he was standing there and drinking.....milk....smiling and telling her he was doing great? Why was he standing there drinking milk? She said it was so vivid and perplexing that she felt a strong urge to share that with us......for whatever reason she knew it was important to call us and share that strange detail in her dream. Never before have I known Betty to call our house. What most people didn't know about my dad was that he had an ulcer and would often drink milk to ease the pain. I don't think he drank milk anywhere else but at home. He didn't like people knowing his shortcomings, and I suppose in his mind, having an ulcer showed a shortcoming.......a weakness. She wasn't aware that he had an ulcer, but she insisted that she felt my dad urging her to contact us and relay that he was doing well.
Whether it be with age or with this grief, I rarely remember my dreams anymore. When I do remember them, they don't make any sense. On that night when I dreamt of her; it made sense. It gave me hope and peace......if only for the next day or two......and then I pray for another visit from her or mom or dad. We always want more, don't we? Always wanting more time......more hope.....more dreams of her.......more dreams of all my loved ones. Anyone who misses their cherished ones to the depths of their being knows what that dream meant to me. It will not change the emptiness I feel......nor fill the hollowness that sleeps in the shadows of my heart, but that dream gave me new hope. Hoping that she is happy, fulfilled, elated and awaiting for the day when we will meet again. That was a night I will remember for days, months and even years. I will wait for her to appear again......if only in my dreams.
"Good things come to those who wait"
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