Who Are We Without Her?

Unchartered territories......sounds like a StarTrek episode, but when someone you love dearly dies......everything is all new again.  Who are we without her?  As a family, I think we're all trying to figure that out along with what is best for Maria, Frankie and Frank.  (Yes, Frank, surprisingly the sisters do talk about you but in a good way)  None of us knows the right way, and for me, that's new and uncomfortable.  I've always felt large and incharge, having a plan, being an organizer and setting goals with my kids, enjoying Marty and everything else inbetween.  All that aside, I am also very self-conscious and unsure of myself, too.  One of those skeletons that most people don't know.......until now. One thing I do know is that life can change at the drop of a hat.  God has been my guide all along, but the lesson for me has been that ultimately nothing is for sure in life....and I can't control what isn't mine to control.  It's a pill that's hard for me to swallow.  Moms know that we like to cure all, make everything better, and this one isn't an easy one to make better.  All families go through changes, epecially when death invades your life.  We try to live in a new way which often times is very awkward and uncertain.  Am I saying the right things to her kids?  Am I calling Frank too much or too little?  What is it that I can do for them?   Many times since Chrissy's death, my rock hard question to God and to Chrissy has been, "Am I doing this right?"   This time in my life is not for commitments or planning or setting appointments, and when my children ask what are we going to do today; my answer is this:  "I don't know, let's play it by ear."  Then we do whatever we feel like doing, and for Marty and the kids that has to be frustrating for sure.......but that's the best I can offer them right now.

Our family dynamics have changed, and we will never be the same as we were before because someone who played an integral part of our family has died.  The five of us "Meyer kids" are now four.  That number hasn't been around for us since before she was born.  Life changes all the time, and we must move with it or not.  That's the choice we all have to make: do we live with the loss or not?  What I have learned from the deaths of my parents, grandparents and now Chrissy is that our family has changed and will continue to change, but how we deal with the change and make "new" depends on all family members to be present.  Present in the moment, the hour, the day, the week................knowing what's important......keeping what's real right in front of us......being honest......and listening to others.  Right now, if there is family or friends who are not real in their own lives, I choose not to be around them.  Perhaps that's a bold statement, but in keeping with my purpose for this site, I'm trying to keep it real and put it out there.

My time with Chrissy was precious, and as one friend has relayed to me, we will always want more time, no matter when the end is going to happen, we'll always want one more day, one more hour, one more minute.....just one more.  Chrissy's concerns after her death were mostly about where her children would be without her and their emotional well-being.  She never doubted Frank's ability to be the wonderful dad and do what's best for their children, but she wasn't sure the mom needs to her children would be met.  She wasn't convinced that they would understand this or want to talk about her.  As I was saying good-bye to her; I found myself saying hello to her kids in finding out all the details that only a mom might know.  I thought I knew them because we saw each other so much on a weekly basis, but in light of Chrissy's failing physical health, I felt like a stranger to them.  Even though I spent loads of time with them  during most of their  lives; I found myself asking her questions as well as asking them upfront to Frankie and Maria.  What are your favorite books and foods?  What do you like to eat for lunch at school?  Tell me the names of your teachers.  What are your favorite toys?  How should I treat them when they misbehave?  What do you want me to tell them about you?  

As I was trying to figure out what to do for them and who and how they would be without her; I never thought of who I would be without her until after her death.  Every day I ask God to help me see the  purpose in my life as it unfolds, and what was once important to me, isn't anymore.  As I explore new careers or a part-time job, I don't have the passion as I used to.  Jobs should never define oneself, but recently I've been asking myself what it is that I should do from here.  Who am I without my sister?  That question is a work in progress for me.  Most days I know I'm child of God, a mom, a wife, a volunteer in life, a creator of ideas, an organizer, a writer, a baker, a cook, an interpreter, a social worker for my kids' problems, a maid, a sister, a friend, an aunt, a cousin, a daughter, a sister-in-law, a fighter, a listener, and a learner of life.  That should be quite enough, right?   Those identities haven't changed; yet, nothing feels quite right anymore, and many days I feel as though it's the first day of school.   A new day, a new beginning is in front of me; however, I feel the awkwardness and fearfulness of what lies before me.  At any given moment, my emotions can erupt like a volcano when I see a familiar place that reminds me of her or hear a beloved song or smell a seasonal fragrance or eat a lucious meal, and my mind goes back to when she was here.....living, breathing, smiling, laughing, yelling.........and yes, eating!  A week doesn't pass when my kids don't express how much they miss Aunt Chrissy.  There isn't a time that I don't want to call her when Guy is introducing a new drive-in, diner or dive, both of us salivating over the phone and screaming how good the food looks.  Who am I without her?"  Since my sissy has passed on, all of the above titles seem meaningless to me.  That is where this journey is for me.  Where do I go from here? 

As we all try to figure out who we are and what our purpose is, I feel a sense that she is being forgotten  as the world goes on with work, vacations, activities and events.  She will never be forgotten by me, and my purpose will always fall back on who she was, what she would want me to do and what she meant to me.


"Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  (Corinthians 4:  16-18)