As I have said in many entries so far, that every event, each holiday, every vision I see has a new feel to it. Most of the time, it is very awkward, like getting ready to take a test and wondering how it will come out in the end. When I put in God's hands......it's so much better. It's as though the tension is lifted from my being and is taken away in the wind, and my body relaxes. It sounds prophetic, but that's the only way I can describe it. I feel it in my being when I try to handle it all on my own........the emotions, the everyday responsibilities, being a mother, working at my job as a classroom assistant, being a wife...........all of it is new to me. Even as I drive the car, looking at the sky and the treess......it all feels utterly different. It's as though I'm a stranger in the same place I've always been.......it looks so different now. Everyday is a constant battle of telling myself to relax, it's out of my control......God has a reason for my being. Going to a wedding or a baby shower these days is so bittersweet. In one sense it brings me back to life seeing the joy on the faces of those who marry or the mothers-to-be who are expecting the ultimate joy of life - being a mother! On the other hand, I can't help but think of all the dreams and joys my sister and I experienced while planning our weddings and expecting our babies. We supported and talked of all our dreams, our visions for our children, our growing old together. With that being said, that is when the pain kicks in. Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful for my blessings and the joys I have held in my lifetime with my sister and sisters, but perhaps what has been ripped away continues to eat at my gut. All our plans of what we would learn together as moms, do together as sisters...........is not anymore. Atleast, it's not in the way that we had planned. Nothing seems real anymore knowing that at anytime it can all change again......and it will. I know it will.
Today, as I watched another hopeful bride-to-be open her gifts, and we all "ooooohed and ahhhhhhhhed" over all the gifts, that sick feeling entered and it took every part of my being not to run out of there. I had to think of her happiness and not my own sadness. How could I take that away from her? This moment, this day was hers as she was sitting next to her own sister just as I did back in '91. We had all sorts of visions, plans, dreams and hopes. As this young woman faces her new future, I will hold onto my sister and keep in mind what we had. While I make my way, slowly but surely, I will listen for Chrissy's whispers and signs around me to continue on with what we had hoped for our marriage and for our (her) children. I will never loose sight of what she wanted for them. Her marriage vows said, "Until death do us part" and that is and will never be the same for Frank. His life journey is all new, but I know he and the rest of us will uphold her plans for the children. Some days it is more difficult than others to uphold her wishes, but I will not go down without a fight.....fighting for their dreams, their happiness, their goals and their hopes in life. As wedding showers continue on, so will we.
Life is not the way it's supposed to be......it's the way it is. The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference.
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