"Can't go around it.....can't go under it.....can't go above it.....gotta go through it." That quote has been ringing in my mind for these last few days. It's a familiar tune, but I can't figure out where I know it or why all of a sudden it's been floating in my mind? Perhaps Chrissy is putting it in my mind for me to hear, reminding me of a childhood experience. It's a tune or jingle that we said as kids, but for the life of me, I can't figure out why we said it or when. Odd occurences have been happening, and I suppose I chalk it up to my sister telling me that she's still with me. I need those reminders these days, especially through the holidays. These times are so different for me as I try to live this life without Chrissy's physical presence. I find myself rambling about family gatherings, hoping she's right around the corner. Maybe we could touch base about the kids or talk about some drama that perhaps is going on? There is no drama, though, except for the fact that such a young soul is in spirit now, and her children are learning to live life without her, without a mother's presence.
As I mentioned, strange things have been falling. The other day, Marty was going off on something....I can't quite remember what, when my aunt, myself and me heard something fall inside our house. Marty's first words were, "I bet that's your sister telling me to forget about it." We all laughed, but we couldn't find the source of the fall, and it was loud. The next day, Marty called me over and said, "I found out what fell, but I can't believe it didn't break, and why is it over there?" The kids were all in bed when we heard the fall the night before, and on our floor in another room we didn't check, was a battery operated glass candle figure that people put in their windows during the holiday season. I used to have many, but over the years the kids have broken them very easily as they have a glass tip and are very fragile. The two candles I have remaining are on my cedar chest, far from the edge, and they were blocked by Christmas villages. We found this particular candle figure on the floor, about three feet away from where I place it, pointing to her baby photo that I have in a frame. The odd thing was is that it didn't break and how had it fallen way over there. They've fallen on window ledges and had broken very easily, but how did it move three feet and not break, and landed with it's tip pointing to my sister's baby picture? We have a Pergo type floor in this room....no carpet.....and it perplexes me. I can only say that it was her because I do believe in life beyond and our loved ones trying to contact us. I open my mind to those possibilities, and I hear the stories of others who have very similiar experiences. You, yourself, or acquaintances finding photos of your loved ones in very strange, faraway places. This may sound like a stretch to some people, but I believe these tangibles happen, and our loved ones are reassuring us that they are still present. If you feel that it's never happened to you, think again, and pay close attention. Marty's noticed these subtle signs lately, too, and he's very aware of sudden blinking lights as he drives under them, running into familiar faces or seeing familiar items that connect him to Chrissy.
During this holiday season, there's no getting around it. You have to go through it as we will every year, no matter how difficult. We'll each choose our own way on how we deal with it, our loss, missing my sister's smile, not having her with us in the physical sense. I wish this journey on no one, but if you are amongst us who grieve the loss of someone very close, take notice. There are signs present, but we have to think in those terms, the possibility of life beyond. We believe in science. We believe that the world is round when others said it was flat. We believe that energy is a power source, in microbiology and that atoms exist.....why not this? Why isn't it possible for our loved ones to reach us through these signs? If I'm going to have to go through it, feeling the loss of my dear sister, I'd rather go through it recognizing these subtle signs.
If you believe, know that all things are possible whether we can explain them or not.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Christmas Presence
"Lord, help my heart be still." I passed a high school marquee today which said, "Your children want your presence more than your presents." This quote struck a chord with me as a mother and as a daughter. Not only thinking of myself today but of Frankie and Maria. I wonder what must be going through their minds, and how much they must be thinking of their mother, my sister, and missing her so. I know how much I think of her in my day to day routines, and I wish that her physical presence was still with us, but it's not. That is the part that is so difficult to bear day in and day out. My time with her on this earth was for 41 years, but her children spent such a short time with her, atleast in my thinking. She was a blessing to me, but still I feel that their time with her should have been more. How much will they remember? How much will they forget? I think of my own mom, whom I only had here on earth for 21 years, and I feel there is so much I never learned about her and never will. I long to know more, and I pick the brains of my family wanting more stories; yet, my mom is becoming a fading memory. I yearn to know and learn more as each year passes. Grieving a loved one so close does not become easier in time; we learn to live with the pain. That infamous quote, "Time heals all wounds" was created by someone who didn't experience much loss because it should have been written, "With time the wounds heal but the scars remain."
"Lord, help my heart be still." As Maria sleeps at our house tonight awaiting our family Christmas Eve celebration tomorrow night, a holiday tradition celebrated for more than 40 plus years in our family, I can feel the longing for her mother. We will gather at Susie's house and share foods and presents, but we all know that her presence is all we want. I still long to see my mother, even after all these years, twenty-four to be exact. I remember the moment when the doctors said that they tried but were unsuccessful....she had died. The heartache is always there, but you learn to deal with it. Life goes on, and we have to live it, right? That's what I keep telling myself, but some days I have to pray more to wake up and seize the day.
"Lord, help my heart be still." During our holiday gatherings, magic fills the air, but the scars remain. We move, we eat and drink, and yes, we do dance and sing sometimes, too, but the scars are always there. It's like the purple elephant in the room that no one talks about. We all miss her terribly. We want to ease the pain.....and still we don't talk about it. I pray with the deepest part of my heart, and I ask God to help me through. No doubt, I believe in a world beyond this one, but my heart is here, and it misses her with every beat. I miss our chats on the phone, her sudden outbursts when something irritates her, but most of all, I miss her supporting voice when I am weary and alone. She always brought me up when I was down. Sisters of the heart do that. For all those experiences, I am blessed. This I know.
"Lord, help my heart be still." As I prepare the house, baking cookies, wrapping the gifts, making way for Christmas gatherings, ironing clothes, shopping in the stores; I look up and see the skies whose colors speak to me. I feel the crisp winter air and smell the fireplaces burning; all the while reminiscing about my childhood holiday memories and feeling the Christmas presence. I haven't gotten lost in the presents of the season; rather, I hope and long for the Christmas presence, her presence, her spirit. Her spirit resides in me as do all my loved ones who have passed on to their new lives. The Christmas presence is key. Do you have it? On this eve before the eve of Christmas, I want to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas Presence!
"Lord, help my heart be still, and see the glory of the Lord"
"Lord, help my heart be still." As Maria sleeps at our house tonight awaiting our family Christmas Eve celebration tomorrow night, a holiday tradition celebrated for more than 40 plus years in our family, I can feel the longing for her mother. We will gather at Susie's house and share foods and presents, but we all know that her presence is all we want. I still long to see my mother, even after all these years, twenty-four to be exact. I remember the moment when the doctors said that they tried but were unsuccessful....she had died. The heartache is always there, but you learn to deal with it. Life goes on, and we have to live it, right? That's what I keep telling myself, but some days I have to pray more to wake up and seize the day.
"Lord, help my heart be still." During our holiday gatherings, magic fills the air, but the scars remain. We move, we eat and drink, and yes, we do dance and sing sometimes, too, but the scars are always there. It's like the purple elephant in the room that no one talks about. We all miss her terribly. We want to ease the pain.....and still we don't talk about it. I pray with the deepest part of my heart, and I ask God to help me through. No doubt, I believe in a world beyond this one, but my heart is here, and it misses her with every beat. I miss our chats on the phone, her sudden outbursts when something irritates her, but most of all, I miss her supporting voice when I am weary and alone. She always brought me up when I was down. Sisters of the heart do that. For all those experiences, I am blessed. This I know.
"Lord, help my heart be still." As I prepare the house, baking cookies, wrapping the gifts, making way for Christmas gatherings, ironing clothes, shopping in the stores; I look up and see the skies whose colors speak to me. I feel the crisp winter air and smell the fireplaces burning; all the while reminiscing about my childhood holiday memories and feeling the Christmas presence. I haven't gotten lost in the presents of the season; rather, I hope and long for the Christmas presence, her presence, her spirit. Her spirit resides in me as do all my loved ones who have passed on to their new lives. The Christmas presence is key. Do you have it? On this eve before the eve of Christmas, I want to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas Presence!
"Lord, help my heart be still, and see the glory of the Lord"
Friday, December 17, 2010
Snow Days
Snow days mean so many different things to all sorts of people. Some people awake earlier, knowing they have to dig their cars out and begin their day earlier if they are to get to work on time, competing with the traffic. Others scramble for sitters to watch their kids, as they travel to their jobs, fighting the cold. The rest of us eagerly await for that phone call, the phone call from beyond, the one that says, "School is canceled." Thursday, my kiddos were home from school because of all the beautiful ice. Yes, beautiful ice, why? Marty and I had the day off, too! That's one of the perks to working in education. We may not be at the top of the list as far as salaries go, but we have the perk of the snow day. The neighborhood streets where we live are treacherous during winter storms; thus, the snow day. Who doesn't like a snow day? You know what I'm talking about.......that warm, cozy feeling you get? That feeling upon hearing the telephone ring in the wee hours of the morning, sleet or snow pitter-pattering on your roof. On the other end of the line, you hear a familiar recorded voice of your superintendent canceling school. You feel yourself pulling the covers over your face, and no clocks are pulling you out of bed to get the children ready. This day there are no time commitments. Only pure self-indulgent glories of sleep, cookie making, movie watching and family time are in the day's plans. I wish I could tell you that I eagerly jump out of bed every morning, greeting the world with a smile, but I don't. I thank God for the day, but I pray that I win the lottery. If the lottery isn't an option; I'll take a snow day instead.
Snow days, I think of my dear friend and how one of her daughters loved them because mom, who was an educator, would be spending time home with them, baking cookies and playing board games. It wasn't getting out of school work that made her happy; rather, spending time with mom is what she loved the most. How sweet is that! I remember the day of dear Allison's memorial service. This young soul, who was taken to the heavens way too early, had an ice storm blanket the St. Louis area on the day we would celebrate her life. Although this was a day that parents were saying goodbye to their vibrant 21- year old daughter; they were greeted this day with glorious ice that was a favorite to Allison. I don't think any of us worried about arriving to the church on time, as it was her wish to show her presence through this treacherous weather, and the sun was beaming. I remember that the warmth was beaming through the icy crystals hanging from the buildings and trees. What a miracle that was to know that this weather was her favorite, and on her day where she would be honored and talked about; we would also talk of the ice, and how she loved it so.
Snow days, I think of my sissy calling me on the other end. Her perspective on snowy days was that of a mom, who had other plans in mind, and someone had just pulled the rug out from under her. "Why did they call off school??!" I would laugh on the other end, as Chrissy was not a winter soul. She loved her tropical weathers and ocean breezes. She couldn't stand layering the kids for the cold, snowy weathers as they would beg her to play in the snow. It wasn't all about movies, cookie baking and hot cocoa at her house. It involved more work. Her kids, like mine, wanted to head out into the COLD. That was the last place she wanted to be, and in her defense, I am not a cold weather girl either. So I would just laugh at her because of her funny tones and groans; knowing full well what awaited her that day. So I had to laugh yesterday morning when Frank called me with the same question: "Why are the kids off???" I don't know if he knew, but I was smiling on the other end. On this snow day, I thought of how she would usually call and complain. It wasn't her that called, but her soul mate.......how funny is that?
Happy Snow Day, my friend.......Happy Snow Day!
Snow days, I think of my dear friend and how one of her daughters loved them because mom, who was an educator, would be spending time home with them, baking cookies and playing board games. It wasn't getting out of school work that made her happy; rather, spending time with mom is what she loved the most. How sweet is that! I remember the day of dear Allison's memorial service. This young soul, who was taken to the heavens way too early, had an ice storm blanket the St. Louis area on the day we would celebrate her life. Although this was a day that parents were saying goodbye to their vibrant 21- year old daughter; they were greeted this day with glorious ice that was a favorite to Allison. I don't think any of us worried about arriving to the church on time, as it was her wish to show her presence through this treacherous weather, and the sun was beaming. I remember that the warmth was beaming through the icy crystals hanging from the buildings and trees. What a miracle that was to know that this weather was her favorite, and on her day where she would be honored and talked about; we would also talk of the ice, and how she loved it so.
Snow days, I think of my sissy calling me on the other end. Her perspective on snowy days was that of a mom, who had other plans in mind, and someone had just pulled the rug out from under her. "Why did they call off school??!" I would laugh on the other end, as Chrissy was not a winter soul. She loved her tropical weathers and ocean breezes. She couldn't stand layering the kids for the cold, snowy weathers as they would beg her to play in the snow. It wasn't all about movies, cookie baking and hot cocoa at her house. It involved more work. Her kids, like mine, wanted to head out into the COLD. That was the last place she wanted to be, and in her defense, I am not a cold weather girl either. So I would just laugh at her because of her funny tones and groans; knowing full well what awaited her that day. So I had to laugh yesterday morning when Frank called me with the same question: "Why are the kids off???" I don't know if he knew, but I was smiling on the other end. On this snow day, I thought of how she would usually call and complain. It wasn't her that called, but her soul mate.......how funny is that?
Happy Snow Day, my friend.......Happy Snow Day!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
In Loving Memory
What are we supposed to do? How do we honor our sister's memory? Should we spend it alone in quiet reflection? Do we gather beside her grave, facing a stone that is only a representation of where we layed our sister's ashes to rest? For some, that is healing, but for me, I see her in more places than at any grave site. Should we hover around Frank and the kids, lending our support? Do we celebrate her life beyond this one or celebrate the life she lived here? Is there some sort of ceremony we should perform, some ritual which will honor my baby sister? Perhaps we should do what we enjoy most and feel her loving presence while doing it. In loving memory, what do we do? This first year, as we all asked ourselves these questions, emailed each other or thought of these questions in our minds, the simple answer is this: none of us knows exactly what to do, and there isn't really a blueprint for this one. For myself, I said that I would go with my gut, perhaps bake some cookies, as this is what Chrissy enjoyed during the Christmas season. She herself never liked to bake, but she loved to eat my baked goods! I loved the sounds she made as she ate each one. It is definitely healing to my soul thinking of all the yummy sounds she made or hearing the "oooohs and ahhhhs" as she studied each one so carefully daring to ask for one more. On this day, I would follow my heart knowing that she was right there beside me. We all waited and worried about Frank's needs while the kids went their way with Aunt Pam. What should we do for Frank? As we all felt and feel the deep sadness for our loss, none of us really knew where we wanted to be. Is there a right way? I suppose each of has to find our own way; deciding how to make it through this time.
This day was another mile marker in the journey of our grief, coming to grips with the impact of her death. I cannot say that I have accepted it. I don't know if I ever will. I still feel the same pain today as I have since the day she died; however; some pivotal moments can wrench my inner gut even more, as though someone reaches in and is literally tugging at my heart. Is this my sister's way of saying she is still with me? Maybe that goes beyond what IS. I don't know. Certain days, the tears can flow so much that my eyes swell. Other days, I smile thinking of something she would have said or done that would make me laugh. Some days I have those anxious moments awaiting her birthday or the first day back to school for her kids, her wedding anniversary, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and all the other days inbetween. On this day, I remembered many things about my sister during the holidays. She would plan her Christmas list for the kids, decorate the house, hunt down a special appetizer to share with the family. Now, our precious Maria steps in to be the little mother as she organizes and decorates the house along with Frank as my sister used to do. On this day, I thought of all the special notes, gifts, phone calls and emails that were sent to me, and I want to thank all of you. I may not respond, but I am so grateful. These days leading up to the anniversary of her death, I've thought of all our family Christmas traditions of riding in the car with dad when we were kids, looking at all the lights on Christmas Eve then coming home to mom saying, "Santa was here.....Santa was here!" Surprise presents were sprawled under the tree as we broke our way through the closed doors to the livingroom. Some presents bringing laughter while others shedding tears. Special notes left on the Christmas tree left by Santa and watching mom, always in a hurry trying to prepare everything to perfection....smelling her perfume and the glow on her face. These were some of my thoughts this day. As we grew into adults, playing all the family games, dancing to music, enjoying our indulgences from all the cocktails to rich foods to the sweets. Spending time with family and neighbors, laughing until we cried. All of these lovely memories came to mind, thinking of Chrissy, and all our great times.
During this week, I've also thought of the painful times leading up to her last days, watching her with her children as they revisted some of those traditions of looking at Christmas lights. Thinking of some of our last conversations, assuring her that her children would get through this, the family would make it happen. I listened to Maria in the car with my Faith as she talked of her mommy seeing the light that people see when their bodies die, and their spirits going to this special place where they will be happy forever. Yes, we talk of these things. Along with the talk of silly bodily functions, toes stuck together on Aunt Barbie's foot and special friends, we talk of life after death. It all seems surreal, but we talk of these things.
On this day, my son, Eric, who is an old soul in a young body (he always has been) gave me a card. One of his comments was to say that "Losing Aunt Chrissy was undoubtedly the saddest experience this family has ever had......" Then he goes on to say, "But just remember that she is here in all the things that we are doing." He gives specific examples of where she is with me and he says that she is right here beside me all the time, especially when I bake my chocolate chip cookies!" He continues to write, "We will see her again, mom." Again, how proud I am of all my children and so very proud and grateful for the son who gives me reassurance. My little girl, Faith, had a fundraising hat day for the Leukemia/Lymphoma Society this week. The students are asked to bring in 50 cents to support the cause or more if they are able. My daughter insisted on giving all $16.00 from her piggy bank for the cause. I told her she didn't have to clean out her piggy bank; that I would donate to the cause, too. She insisted on giving it all because her Aunt Chrissy had cancer, and someone needs to find a cure. My son, Luke, asks about photos hanging in our home. They are his grandparents, and I tell him that they are in heaven with Aunt Chrissy, and he smiles. In loving memory, they are making their way, too.
The cookie baking went on as planned, but I still worried about Frank, and where he was in all this. We talked through the week, and as I mentioned, none of us knew what to do. He wasn't sure of what he wanted to do.....be alone in his grief.....gather? On one hand you feel this sense of wanting to grieve alone and another part of you wants to gather and somehow support one another. So, I had it in my mind that my family would eat some of Chrissy's favorite foods, and one of her favorite places was Cusamano's Restaurant, which used to be in Glasgow Village where we grew up. Times have changed, but this good old favorite restaurant was relocated to St. Charles, where I think the new owners are the children of the previous owner. So there my husband traveled as I called in the order. We weren't in the mood to dine out, but take out is was. I called Susie to see if she wanted to come down to my house, as she only lives a couple blocks away, only to find out that Cassie had made her way from the north side. I told them I left a message for Frank, not sure if he would respond. We understood if he didn't; he would make his way, whatever that way was to get him through. He did call back, and we found our way over at the Corrao house. Never knowing where this day would lead me, but there we were. I left my kids with a picnic blanket and a pizza of their own to enjoy with a movie and their own set of rules, Eric in charge of course, or so he thought. There are no guidelines for what to say or how to be, but my sister traveled with me in the heart as we made our way over there. I didn't know what this day might bring, but the night was shared with pizza and some laughs as our little Lucy rambled about the house, giggling and saying the cutest things. She is our little joyful gift, that Lucy girl. We toasted to Chrissy before we ate some of her favorites: Cusamano's Special Pizza, toasted ravioli and salad with oil and vinegar. Although I remember it a bit differently; it never tasted so good as I felt her there with each bite. We wrapped some Christmas gifts and said our farewells. The awkwardness of not knowing what to do this day had become a bittersweet memory as we made our way. No doubt our hearts are still so heavy, but we made our way in loving memory.
Weeping may linger for the night, but joy comes with the morning.
- Psalm 30
This day was another mile marker in the journey of our grief, coming to grips with the impact of her death. I cannot say that I have accepted it. I don't know if I ever will. I still feel the same pain today as I have since the day she died; however; some pivotal moments can wrench my inner gut even more, as though someone reaches in and is literally tugging at my heart. Is this my sister's way of saying she is still with me? Maybe that goes beyond what IS. I don't know. Certain days, the tears can flow so much that my eyes swell. Other days, I smile thinking of something she would have said or done that would make me laugh. Some days I have those anxious moments awaiting her birthday or the first day back to school for her kids, her wedding anniversary, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and all the other days inbetween. On this day, I remembered many things about my sister during the holidays. She would plan her Christmas list for the kids, decorate the house, hunt down a special appetizer to share with the family. Now, our precious Maria steps in to be the little mother as she organizes and decorates the house along with Frank as my sister used to do. On this day, I thought of all the special notes, gifts, phone calls and emails that were sent to me, and I want to thank all of you. I may not respond, but I am so grateful. These days leading up to the anniversary of her death, I've thought of all our family Christmas traditions of riding in the car with dad when we were kids, looking at all the lights on Christmas Eve then coming home to mom saying, "Santa was here.....Santa was here!" Surprise presents were sprawled under the tree as we broke our way through the closed doors to the livingroom. Some presents bringing laughter while others shedding tears. Special notes left on the Christmas tree left by Santa and watching mom, always in a hurry trying to prepare everything to perfection....smelling her perfume and the glow on her face. These were some of my thoughts this day. As we grew into adults, playing all the family games, dancing to music, enjoying our indulgences from all the cocktails to rich foods to the sweets. Spending time with family and neighbors, laughing until we cried. All of these lovely memories came to mind, thinking of Chrissy, and all our great times.
During this week, I've also thought of the painful times leading up to her last days, watching her with her children as they revisted some of those traditions of looking at Christmas lights. Thinking of some of our last conversations, assuring her that her children would get through this, the family would make it happen. I listened to Maria in the car with my Faith as she talked of her mommy seeing the light that people see when their bodies die, and their spirits going to this special place where they will be happy forever. Yes, we talk of these things. Along with the talk of silly bodily functions, toes stuck together on Aunt Barbie's foot and special friends, we talk of life after death. It all seems surreal, but we talk of these things.
On this day, my son, Eric, who is an old soul in a young body (he always has been) gave me a card. One of his comments was to say that "Losing Aunt Chrissy was undoubtedly the saddest experience this family has ever had......" Then he goes on to say, "But just remember that she is here in all the things that we are doing." He gives specific examples of where she is with me and he says that she is right here beside me all the time, especially when I bake my chocolate chip cookies!" He continues to write, "We will see her again, mom." Again, how proud I am of all my children and so very proud and grateful for the son who gives me reassurance. My little girl, Faith, had a fundraising hat day for the Leukemia/Lymphoma Society this week. The students are asked to bring in 50 cents to support the cause or more if they are able. My daughter insisted on giving all $16.00 from her piggy bank for the cause. I told her she didn't have to clean out her piggy bank; that I would donate to the cause, too. She insisted on giving it all because her Aunt Chrissy had cancer, and someone needs to find a cure. My son, Luke, asks about photos hanging in our home. They are his grandparents, and I tell him that they are in heaven with Aunt Chrissy, and he smiles. In loving memory, they are making their way, too.
The cookie baking went on as planned, but I still worried about Frank, and where he was in all this. We talked through the week, and as I mentioned, none of us knew what to do. He wasn't sure of what he wanted to do.....be alone in his grief.....gather? On one hand you feel this sense of wanting to grieve alone and another part of you wants to gather and somehow support one another. So, I had it in my mind that my family would eat some of Chrissy's favorite foods, and one of her favorite places was Cusamano's Restaurant, which used to be in Glasgow Village where we grew up. Times have changed, but this good old favorite restaurant was relocated to St. Charles, where I think the new owners are the children of the previous owner. So there my husband traveled as I called in the order. We weren't in the mood to dine out, but take out is was. I called Susie to see if she wanted to come down to my house, as she only lives a couple blocks away, only to find out that Cassie had made her way from the north side. I told them I left a message for Frank, not sure if he would respond. We understood if he didn't; he would make his way, whatever that way was to get him through. He did call back, and we found our way over at the Corrao house. Never knowing where this day would lead me, but there we were. I left my kids with a picnic blanket and a pizza of their own to enjoy with a movie and their own set of rules, Eric in charge of course, or so he thought. There are no guidelines for what to say or how to be, but my sister traveled with me in the heart as we made our way over there. I didn't know what this day might bring, but the night was shared with pizza and some laughs as our little Lucy rambled about the house, giggling and saying the cutest things. She is our little joyful gift, that Lucy girl. We toasted to Chrissy before we ate some of her favorites: Cusamano's Special Pizza, toasted ravioli and salad with oil and vinegar. Although I remember it a bit differently; it never tasted so good as I felt her there with each bite. We wrapped some Christmas gifts and said our farewells. The awkwardness of not knowing what to do this day had become a bittersweet memory as we made our way. No doubt our hearts are still so heavy, but we made our way in loving memory.
Weeping may linger for the night, but joy comes with the morning.
- Psalm 30
Friday, December 3, 2010
Goodness
December 11th marks the year anniversary of my sister's passing, and this year has been a time of reflection. My journey continues.....there's always the journey of living life and learning in the process. Sometimes not always wanting to take part in the journey, but I must and I will. A piece of my heart died the day Chrissy died, and at times, those of us that grieve, want to give up and perish, but she never gave up, so shame on me if I ever give up on life. I live on not only for me but for those around me: my children, my husband, Maria and Frankie and for my supporters and the loved ones still here. Those here in the flesh that still breathe the earthly air who love me. I must not only live for me, but I live for them. As that emotional day approaches, the year anniversary of my sister's passing, I ask myself if I have grown or learned anything. What have I learned? This journey is not only about me, but it also involves those who surround me or those whom I have come to know. Good or bad, stay or flee, friend or foe? Who do I want to surround me?
This holiday season, as I've pondered these questions, many of you have reached out in sympathetic support knowing the mixed emotions of this holiday season for my family and me. Whether through an email, a phone call, a card or in person, you haven't forgotten. You understand how the grieving process works, and you've reached out. I have received a couple of notes of support, a few emails of thinking of you, someone even called because they smelled almond flavoring and it reminded her of me and my baking and asked how I was doing. Our dear friend, MaryAnn (Nicoletti) has spent some time making lovely bracelets with Chrissy's name on them for us to wear. Someone else wrote a note expressing her thoughts of me and my family, and how this season, while joyous, must also be reminiscent of my sister's painful last days of her life. A group of women from the kids' elementary school have offered to create some special gifts for Frankie and Maria, and I am so grateful for their time and efforts. Someone else approached me during mass, and knelt down before me, only to say that they saw me and expressed how they are still praying for me and my family. I want to thank all of you who have stepped out of your own lives, took pause, and thought of me. Those of you who have lent your support have helped me in this trip of emotional healing.......thank you. Thank you so very much!
One of my character flaws is that I am not a trusting person, and sometimes I allow anger to enter my heart when seeing the lack of action by other people. Not only for me, and our loss with Chrissy, but for other issues in the world where people do not get involved. Those that sit idly by and are consumed by their own lives.....well, it angers me. When someone experiences loss, you feel as though everyone moves on and has forgotten your loved one. People don't seem to mention the person who has passed on to their new life anymore. Have they forgotten Chrissy? Have they forgotten us? Are some people afraid of the emotions it might evoke in us or perhaps in themselves? These are some of the questions I have asked myself. This year, I'm praying not to be angry about this anymore; rather, I am going to focus on the doers. I am grateful to God for His presence in my life and have learned that people come when I need them. Perhaps people who have left are not needed in my life right now or in the lives of Frank, Frankie and Maria. There is a time for every season, just as there is time for every friendship. That is what I am learning this year. Be grateful for those past and present, whatever our relationships, each and everyone had it's reason. Whether for you or for me, every relationship happened for some purpose. The time with my sister, good and bitter, happened for a reason, and I am thankful to God for her presence in my life.
I used to think that there was so much nastiness in people, but upon this year of reflection, I see more goodness. Of course, I can still be cynical (I do fall off the wagon). It's still a work in progress at times, but I realize that goodness does exist. I have made room for hope in my heart and in the goodness of people. Whether some step up to the plate or not; I hold onto the ones who do, as they give me strength, and I want them to be around me. Many walls are around me, so to speak, and my husband and a few of my close confidants can vouch for that. Chrissy understood that about me, too, and that's another reason why I loved her so much. Some traumatic experiences in our lives can either make you or break you, and I think a few took hold of me for awhile. I'm trying to let go of those feelings as some of the walls need to come down. I have learned that goodness does exist, and it's up to me to find it.
"God, let your light shine upon me"
This holiday season, as I've pondered these questions, many of you have reached out in sympathetic support knowing the mixed emotions of this holiday season for my family and me. Whether through an email, a phone call, a card or in person, you haven't forgotten. You understand how the grieving process works, and you've reached out. I have received a couple of notes of support, a few emails of thinking of you, someone even called because they smelled almond flavoring and it reminded her of me and my baking and asked how I was doing. Our dear friend, MaryAnn (Nicoletti) has spent some time making lovely bracelets with Chrissy's name on them for us to wear. Someone else wrote a note expressing her thoughts of me and my family, and how this season, while joyous, must also be reminiscent of my sister's painful last days of her life. A group of women from the kids' elementary school have offered to create some special gifts for Frankie and Maria, and I am so grateful for their time and efforts. Someone else approached me during mass, and knelt down before me, only to say that they saw me and expressed how they are still praying for me and my family. I want to thank all of you who have stepped out of your own lives, took pause, and thought of me. Those of you who have lent your support have helped me in this trip of emotional healing.......thank you. Thank you so very much!
One of my character flaws is that I am not a trusting person, and sometimes I allow anger to enter my heart when seeing the lack of action by other people. Not only for me, and our loss with Chrissy, but for other issues in the world where people do not get involved. Those that sit idly by and are consumed by their own lives.....well, it angers me. When someone experiences loss, you feel as though everyone moves on and has forgotten your loved one. People don't seem to mention the person who has passed on to their new life anymore. Have they forgotten Chrissy? Have they forgotten us? Are some people afraid of the emotions it might evoke in us or perhaps in themselves? These are some of the questions I have asked myself. This year, I'm praying not to be angry about this anymore; rather, I am going to focus on the doers. I am grateful to God for His presence in my life and have learned that people come when I need them. Perhaps people who have left are not needed in my life right now or in the lives of Frank, Frankie and Maria. There is a time for every season, just as there is time for every friendship. That is what I am learning this year. Be grateful for those past and present, whatever our relationships, each and everyone had it's reason. Whether for you or for me, every relationship happened for some purpose. The time with my sister, good and bitter, happened for a reason, and I am thankful to God for her presence in my life.
I used to think that there was so much nastiness in people, but upon this year of reflection, I see more goodness. Of course, I can still be cynical (I do fall off the wagon). It's still a work in progress at times, but I realize that goodness does exist. I have made room for hope in my heart and in the goodness of people. Whether some step up to the plate or not; I hold onto the ones who do, as they give me strength, and I want them to be around me. Many walls are around me, so to speak, and my husband and a few of my close confidants can vouch for that. Chrissy understood that about me, too, and that's another reason why I loved her so much. Some traumatic experiences in our lives can either make you or break you, and I think a few took hold of me for awhile. I'm trying to let go of those feelings as some of the walls need to come down. I have learned that goodness does exist, and it's up to me to find it.
"God, let your light shine upon me"
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)