Goodness

December 11th marks the year anniversary of my sister's passing, and this year has been a time of reflection.  My journey continues.....there's always the journey of living life and learning in the process.  Sometimes not always wanting to take part in the journey, but I must and I will.  A piece of my heart died the day Chrissy died, and at times, those of us that grieve, want to give up and perish, but she never gave up, so shame on me if I ever give up on life.  I live on not only for me but for those around me:  my children, my husband, Maria and Frankie and for my supporters and the loved ones still here.  Those here in the flesh that still breathe the earthly air who love me. I must not only live for me, but I live for them.  As that emotional day approaches, the year anniversary of my sister's passing, I ask myself if I have grown or learned anything.  What have I learned?  This journey is not only about me, but it also involves those who surround me or those whom I have come to know.  Good or bad, stay or flee, friend or foe?  Who do I want to surround me?  

This holiday season, as I've pondered these questions, many of you have reached out in sympathetic support knowing the mixed emotions of this holiday season for my family and me.  Whether through an email, a phone call, a card or in person, you haven't forgotten.  You understand how the grieving process works, and you've reached out.  I have received a couple of notes of support, a few emails of thinking of you,   someone even called because they smelled almond flavoring and it reminded her of me and my baking and asked how I was doing.  Our dear friend, MaryAnn (Nicoletti) has spent some time making lovely bracelets with Chrissy's name on them for us to wear.  Someone else wrote a note expressing her thoughts of me and my family, and how this season, while joyous, must also be reminiscent of my sister's painful last days of her life.  A group of women from the kids' elementary school have offered to create some special gifts for Frankie and Maria, and I am so grateful for their time and efforts.  Someone else approached me during mass, and knelt down before me, only to say that they saw me and expressed how they are still praying for me and my family.  I want to thank all of you who have stepped out of your own lives, took pause, and thought of me.  Those of you who have lent your support have helped me in this trip of emotional healing.......thank you.  Thank you so very much!

One of my character flaws is that I am not a trusting person, and sometimes I allow anger to enter my heart when seeing the lack of action by other people.  Not only for me, and our loss with Chrissy, but for other issues in the world where people do not get involved.  Those that sit idly by and are consumed by their own lives.....well, it angers me. When someone experiences loss, you feel as though everyone moves on and has forgotten your loved one.  People don't seem to mention the person who has passed on to their new life anymore.  Have they forgotten Chrissy?  Have they forgotten us?  Are some people afraid of the emotions it might evoke in us or perhaps in themselves?  These are some of the questions I have asked myself.  This year, I'm praying not to be angry about this anymore; rather, I am going to focus on the doers.  I am grateful to God for His presence in my life and have learned that people come when I need them.  Perhaps people who have left are not needed in my life right now or in the lives of Frank, Frankie and Maria.  There is a time for every season, just as there is time for every friendship.  That is what I am learning this year.  Be grateful for those past and present, whatever our relationships, each and everyone had it's reason.  Whether for you or for me, every relationship happened for some purpose.  The time with my sister, good and bitter, happened for a reason, and I am thankful to God for her presence in my life.

I used to think that there was so much nastiness in people, but upon this year of reflection, I see more goodness.  Of course, I can still be cynical (I do fall off the wagon).  It's still a work in progress at times, but I realize that goodness does exist.  I have made room for hope in my heart and in the goodness of people.  Whether some step up to the plate or not; I hold onto the ones who do, as they give me strength, and I want them to be around me.  Many walls are around me, so to speak,  and my husband and a few of my close confidants can vouch for that.  Chrissy understood that about me, too, and that's another reason why I loved her so much.  Some traumatic experiences in our lives can either make you or break you, and I think a few took hold of me for awhile.  I'm trying to let go of those feelings as some of the walls need to come down.  I have learned that goodness does exist, and it's up to me to find it. 

"God, let your light shine upon me"