Christmas Presence

"Lord, help my heart be still."  I passed a high school marquee today which said, "Your children want your presence more than your presents."  This quote struck a chord with me as a mother and as a daughter.  Not only thinking of myself today but of Frankie and Maria.  I wonder what must be going through their minds, and how much they must be thinking of their mother, my sister, and missing her so.  I know how much I think of her in my day to day routines, and I wish that her physical presence was still with us, but it's not.  That is the part that is so difficult to bear day in and day out.  My time with her on this earth was for 41 years, but her children spent such a short time with her, atleast in my thinking.  She was a blessing to me, but still I feel that their time with her should have been more.  How much will they remember?  How much will they forget?  I think of my own mom, whom I only had here on earth for 21 years, and I feel there is so much I never learned about her and never will.  I long to know more, and I pick the brains of my family wanting more stories; yet, my mom is becoming a fading memory.  I yearn to know and learn more as each year passes. Grieving a loved one so close does not become easier in time; we learn to live with the pain.  That infamous quote, "Time heals all wounds" was created by someone who didn't experience much loss because it should have been written, "With time the wounds heal but the scars remain."


"Lord, help my heart be still."  As Maria sleeps at our house tonight awaiting our family Christmas Eve celebration tomorrow night, a holiday tradition celebrated for more than 40 plus years in our family, I can feel the longing for her mother.  We will gather at Susie's house and share foods and presents, but we all know that her presence is all we want.  I still long to see my mother, even after all these years, twenty-four to be exact.  I remember the moment when the doctors said that they tried but were unsuccessful....she had died.  The heartache is always there, but you learn to deal with it.  Life goes on, and we have to live it, right?  That's what I keep telling myself, but some days I have to pray more to wake up and seize the day. 


"Lord, help my heart be still."  During our holiday gatherings, magic fills the air, but the scars remain.  We move, we eat and drink, and yes, we do dance and sing sometimes, too, but the scars are always there.  It's like the purple elephant in the room that no one talks about.  We all miss her terribly. We want to ease the pain.....and still we don't talk about it.  I  pray with the deepest part of my heart, and I ask God to help me through.  No doubt, I believe in a world beyond this one, but my heart is here, and it misses her with every beat.   I miss our chats on the phone, her sudden outbursts when something irritates her, but most of all, I miss her supporting voice when I am weary and alone.  She always brought me up when I was down.  Sisters of the heart do that.  For all those experiences,  I am blessed.  This I know. 


"Lord, help my heart be still."  As I prepare the house, baking cookies, wrapping the gifts, making way for Christmas gatherings, ironing clothes, shopping in the stores; I look up and see the skies whose colors speak to me.  I feel the crisp winter air and smell the fireplaces burning; all the while reminiscing about my childhood holiday memories and feeling the Christmas presence.  I haven't gotten lost in the presents of the season; rather, I hope and long for the Christmas presence, her presence, her spirit.  Her spirit resides in me as do all my loved ones who have passed on to their new lives.  The Christmas presence is key.  Do you have it?  On this eve before the eve of Christmas, I want to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas Presence!


"Lord, help my heart be still, and see the glory of the Lord"