Tonight we attended Frankie's Promotion Ceremony at Fairway Elementary, aka "graduation ceremony" from elementary school into middle school. That's the trend these days to promote our kids to a higher level of education, giving them recognition for all their hard work up to now. This event was supposed to take place on Chrissy's birthday earlier this week, but their school had an electrical fire that day and the event was postponed until tonight. Makes me wonder if there was an intervention from above, you know what I mean? While I originally looked at the coincidence of having Frankie's graduation ceremony happening on the same day as Chrissy's birthday; I thought that somehow it might ease the pain of missing her physical absence. Perhaps making this day about celebrating Frankie's success might take away some of the attention I put on thinking about the loss of my sister. What was I thinking??? It's amazing how the mind plays tricks on our heart, isn't it? Only to survive the pain of missing our loved ones, we come up with these stories.
The bottom line is this: nothing will ever take away the pain.....it will always be there. What I have to determine is how to make sense of my life and how to live my life without her in it. That's the challenge......amongst many other challenges that comes from the loss of a loved one. That sits foremost in my mind: how do I live this life without her and still FEEL? Some days I go through the motions; I have no other choice. My kids and husband depend on me, and I do it. I am a wife and mother, and I owe it to them to be available to them. God guides me through most days, and this I know, because I couldn't do it on my own.
Tonight we all felt it as we watched my nephew walk forward in this procession awaiting the call of his name. The order was given to hold the applause as there were over 100 5th graders. Of course, there were the few comical "shout outs" for a few students or claps here and there, but for Frankie it was different. The family was all scattered about as the gymnasium was packed. Even standing room was filled to the brim, and my neice and I were sitting next to each other, both feeling the pangs of what was about to happen. My heart felt anxious in that moment as I anticipated the mention of his name. As I glanced around the Fairway gymnasium, there it was: A sign that read "Chrissy's Crusaders." Fairway was getting ready for their Rockwood Relay Walk for Life, and after Chrissy's passing, they named their school team, "Chrissy's Crusaders" in memory of my sister. There it loomed before me, and I held back the tears. I knew she was with us in spirit, calling out a "shout out" to us that she was present with her boy and with us, too. As I gazed upon the wall, I thought of my own walk that I would be taking next week in support of this great cause. I took my eyes off the words when I heard his name, not sure what I would do. My instinct was to go against the rules and scream his name aloud for all to notice. Then it happened, once he walked the stage loud claps rang out, more than just the usual members of the family. Many were giving applause to our Frankie, and then I shouted, "Frankie!" I clapped proudly for this young man of ours. I yelled for him because I knew she would have done it if she were here. Your mother loved you, Frankie, because even before this day, you were promoted already in her eyes.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
My Chrissy Tree
It's been a running joke in my family about this tree I've wanted for quite some time. A few years back, I had a Japanese Maple Seedling that was doing fairly well, then a frost hit St. Louis one winter, and the tree never seemed to recover.....it had died. I love the Japanese Maple with its deep purplish hue and willowy leaves that somehow seem reminiscent of my childhood......a comforting memory. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it makes me think of home. Perhaps we had a Japanese Maple out front, but I never knew it by name? My memory escapes me. Whatever the reason, I've always wanted one and felt a connection to it for some reason.
Well, since the tree died, even though I asked for a new one, I would get other lovely gifts instead, like a flat screened TV or niknaks or other interesting gifts on my birthday or Mother's Day or anniversaries. Grateful, yes, but those gifts weren't quite the tree that I longed for. In these past couple of months, I've felt like I was riding on the coat tails of life. Going where I had to be, wherever commitments took me, but I really haven't had a chance to breathe. All you moms know what I'm talking about: those end of the school year recitals, recoginition ceremonies, field trips, field days, church sacramental years.......the list goes on and on. Every time I would see a familiar mom, the fatigue of it all resonated. Don't let me sound ungrateful for those moments, but I felt as though I wasn't able to think about her as much, and that was making me crabby. I knew this of myself, and these days lately, I have felt like I had no control. This month, in addition to all those events were other bittersweet holidays......... there would be Mother's Day, my sister's wedding anniversary and on Tuesday, her birthday. She would have been 43 years old on May 24th had her body survived the cancer. It just so happens, her Frankie is also having a graduation ceremony from elementary school on that very day. The emotional toll, while some of it full of celebrations, is also an emotional sword that pierces the heart.
For those of us who grieve, you know that each day, each week, each month, each year doesn't lessen the pain. In fact, as time goes on, the pain intensifies because the lack of her presence in real life, real living is non-existent. We are still trying to find our way without her, and it's still awkward. Oh yes, we laugh, we smile, we find the blessings of those still here and the tears are held back or kept in private mostly, but sometimes they aren't, atleast for me. The other day, I was talking to my neice about the emotional pain her children felt on Mother's Day, their tears, their awkwardness when others at school were making gifts for their mother, what did they do? Their school was sensitive to their needs, but it's still a door that has to be walked through, each and every year. I know this because I felt it, too, after my mom passed, and I was 22 years old, and my dad passed when I was in elementary school. I can only imagine what goes through Maria and Frankie's mind. I can only imagine.......and then I cry for their loss.
One of my New Year's Resolutions was to question God less, and I've been successful some of the time, and still faultering when it comes to my sister's death. I hear of other losses of young people, too young to die, and I am weak, I question it. Why does a young child have to bear this burden......the loss of a parent? Why does a parent have bear the loss of their young child? I don't understand, and I never will. I have come to the conclusion that God knows this of me. For now, that's all I can say about that.
But back to the tree. One of the blessings of this Mother's Day was when Marty gave me a Mother's Day Card while I was in my bedroom, sitting in my comfy chair. He said to look outside, and there below my bedroom window was the Japanese Maple Tree. What he didn't know is that I longed to have one in remembrance of my sister. In my mind, it was a memory of my childhood, a memory of my sister, our home, our family. I didn't want something far away in a park somewhere; I needed to have it near me, something tangible that I could see everyday as I set off in the grips of life. So there you have it......a childhood memory.......a reminder of life.......love.......my Chrissy Tree.
Well, since the tree died, even though I asked for a new one, I would get other lovely gifts instead, like a flat screened TV or niknaks or other interesting gifts on my birthday or Mother's Day or anniversaries. Grateful, yes, but those gifts weren't quite the tree that I longed for. In these past couple of months, I've felt like I was riding on the coat tails of life. Going where I had to be, wherever commitments took me, but I really haven't had a chance to breathe. All you moms know what I'm talking about: those end of the school year recitals, recoginition ceremonies, field trips, field days, church sacramental years.......the list goes on and on. Every time I would see a familiar mom, the fatigue of it all resonated. Don't let me sound ungrateful for those moments, but I felt as though I wasn't able to think about her as much, and that was making me crabby. I knew this of myself, and these days lately, I have felt like I had no control. This month, in addition to all those events were other bittersweet holidays......... there would be Mother's Day, my sister's wedding anniversary and on Tuesday, her birthday. She would have been 43 years old on May 24th had her body survived the cancer. It just so happens, her Frankie is also having a graduation ceremony from elementary school on that very day. The emotional toll, while some of it full of celebrations, is also an emotional sword that pierces the heart.
For those of us who grieve, you know that each day, each week, each month, each year doesn't lessen the pain. In fact, as time goes on, the pain intensifies because the lack of her presence in real life, real living is non-existent. We are still trying to find our way without her, and it's still awkward. Oh yes, we laugh, we smile, we find the blessings of those still here and the tears are held back or kept in private mostly, but sometimes they aren't, atleast for me. The other day, I was talking to my neice about the emotional pain her children felt on Mother's Day, their tears, their awkwardness when others at school were making gifts for their mother, what did they do? Their school was sensitive to their needs, but it's still a door that has to be walked through, each and every year. I know this because I felt it, too, after my mom passed, and I was 22 years old, and my dad passed when I was in elementary school. I can only imagine what goes through Maria and Frankie's mind. I can only imagine.......and then I cry for their loss.
One of my New Year's Resolutions was to question God less, and I've been successful some of the time, and still faultering when it comes to my sister's death. I hear of other losses of young people, too young to die, and I am weak, I question it. Why does a young child have to bear this burden......the loss of a parent? Why does a parent have bear the loss of their young child? I don't understand, and I never will. I have come to the conclusion that God knows this of me. For now, that's all I can say about that.
But back to the tree. One of the blessings of this Mother's Day was when Marty gave me a Mother's Day Card while I was in my bedroom, sitting in my comfy chair. He said to look outside, and there below my bedroom window was the Japanese Maple Tree. What he didn't know is that I longed to have one in remembrance of my sister. In my mind, it was a memory of my childhood, a memory of my sister, our home, our family. I didn't want something far away in a park somewhere; I needed to have it near me, something tangible that I could see everyday as I set off in the grips of life. So there you have it......a childhood memory.......a reminder of life.......love.......my Chrissy Tree.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Motherly Love
As I reflect on this Mother's Day, there's so many levels of a mother's love that only a mother knows. My own mother is a hero in my book, knowing that she raised five children in her life's challenges. She, herself was seriously ill, my dad was dying with cancer; yet, she found her way, by the grace of God, she pulled it off. She encouraged us to have faith in God no matter what happened, she made sure we were fed, dressed, had a roof over our heads and she prepared us for life's many trials and tribulations, along with all the joys, too. It is only now in these adult years of my life as I raise my own children, that I truly recognize the eternal love she had for us. I always felt it, that undying devotion to us; yet, caring for my own children puts a whole new perspective on a mother's journey and what that means. In this world in which we live there are unspeakable crimes against children by their parents, a mother's rage and depression taken out on her own children, and I can't comprehend that. It doesn't even make sense to me. I may offend some readers here, but I don't understand when a mother kills her own.....I don't get it. Why not kill yourself if you're that depressed? Perhaps I am ignorant of mental illness, an unknown pain that is foreign to me, but as a mother, I can't relate to such crimes on children.
On this Mother's Day, I see Frankie and Maria, who have spoken of this day, feeling the pangs of loss without their mother. Maria, especially speaks of her pain to her sister friend, cousin and confidant, Faith, with whom she shared of her sadness this day. My daughter, Faith, tries to cheer her up by decorating her bedroom with streamers and ribbons, knowing that Maria will share some of this day with us. It doesn't make up for the loss, but she tries.....we try. I also think of my own mother, and this day for me, too, is met with a bitter sweetness since the day of her death, that only those of us who have lost our mothers knows.
On this Mother's Day, I think of all those mothers who have lost a child, and for them, it has to be met with overwhelming emotions, a river of tears knowing of what was lost and how it's changed their family, their own life's journey. How it must have changed their heart......forever. On this day, I am shocked with the tragedy that has yet again knocked on our door, learning of the untimely death of Eric's mentor, his Rockband teacher, Matthew Kovis. I found myself on this day sharing our Christian faith and belief in God and what His plans are for us, only to speak of what has happened to Eric about his beloved teacher. I am met with gutteral tears and utter disbelief from my dear son. I think of Matt's family as they try to grasp what has happened in this untimely fatal car crash. What must his mother be thinking? What must she be feeling? How does one cope at a time like this? If she is feeling anything but shock right now, it must feel like being hit in the stomach with a huge boulder, and perhaps that doesn't even come close to what the pain must truly feel like. I don't want to know that pain.....none of us does......and none of knows, do we? It could happen at any time, anywhere.
No matter where our mothers are, I know my mother had eternal love for us, her children. There's no love like a mother towards her children, and I was blessed to have had the mother I did. While so many parental relationships are disconnected, ours wasn't. She made it quite clear to us, her children, that family is first, last and always, and I've tried to honor that with my own children and husband. I long to feel the embrace of my mother, but I know I was blessed to have her hugs for as long as I did. While some have never felt that love, there was never any doubt with our own mother. She herself knew and believed her life's purpose was to be a mother, and she honored that gift.
On this mother's day, I want to extend a Happy Mother's Day to all of you lovely mothers and give thanks to my creator for the mother that was given to me. I also pray for Matt's family and mother as they try to sort through the tragedy that has happened. I did meet Matt's mother on a few occasions when we both watched our sons do what they loved most, playing music. I thank Matt for his support and guidance to my son, giving him guidance and confidence in his own abilities. That I'm sure was learned by his own mother, a motherly love.
On this Mother's Day, I see Frankie and Maria, who have spoken of this day, feeling the pangs of loss without their mother. Maria, especially speaks of her pain to her sister friend, cousin and confidant, Faith, with whom she shared of her sadness this day. My daughter, Faith, tries to cheer her up by decorating her bedroom with streamers and ribbons, knowing that Maria will share some of this day with us. It doesn't make up for the loss, but she tries.....we try. I also think of my own mother, and this day for me, too, is met with a bitter sweetness since the day of her death, that only those of us who have lost our mothers knows.
On this Mother's Day, I think of all those mothers who have lost a child, and for them, it has to be met with overwhelming emotions, a river of tears knowing of what was lost and how it's changed their family, their own life's journey. How it must have changed their heart......forever. On this day, I am shocked with the tragedy that has yet again knocked on our door, learning of the untimely death of Eric's mentor, his Rockband teacher, Matthew Kovis. I found myself on this day sharing our Christian faith and belief in God and what His plans are for us, only to speak of what has happened to Eric about his beloved teacher. I am met with gutteral tears and utter disbelief from my dear son. I think of Matt's family as they try to grasp what has happened in this untimely fatal car crash. What must his mother be thinking? What must she be feeling? How does one cope at a time like this? If she is feeling anything but shock right now, it must feel like being hit in the stomach with a huge boulder, and perhaps that doesn't even come close to what the pain must truly feel like. I don't want to know that pain.....none of us does......and none of knows, do we? It could happen at any time, anywhere.
No matter where our mothers are, I know my mother had eternal love for us, her children. There's no love like a mother towards her children, and I was blessed to have had the mother I did. While so many parental relationships are disconnected, ours wasn't. She made it quite clear to us, her children, that family is first, last and always, and I've tried to honor that with my own children and husband. I long to feel the embrace of my mother, but I know I was blessed to have her hugs for as long as I did. While some have never felt that love, there was never any doubt with our own mother. She herself knew and believed her life's purpose was to be a mother, and she honored that gift.
On this mother's day, I want to extend a Happy Mother's Day to all of you lovely mothers and give thanks to my creator for the mother that was given to me. I also pray for Matt's family and mother as they try to sort through the tragedy that has happened. I did meet Matt's mother on a few occasions when we both watched our sons do what they loved most, playing music. I thank Matt for his support and guidance to my son, giving him guidance and confidence in his own abilities. That I'm sure was learned by his own mother, a motherly love.
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