It's been a running joke in my family about this tree I've wanted for quite some time. A few years back, I had a Japanese Maple Seedling that was doing fairly well, then a frost hit St. Louis one winter, and the tree never seemed to recover.....it had died. I love the Japanese Maple with its deep purplish hue and willowy leaves that somehow seem reminiscent of my childhood......a comforting memory. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it makes me think of home. Perhaps we had a Japanese Maple out front, but I never knew it by name? My memory escapes me. Whatever the reason, I've always wanted one and felt a connection to it for some reason.
Well, since the tree died, even though I asked for a new one, I would get other lovely gifts instead, like a flat screened TV or niknaks or other interesting gifts on my birthday or Mother's Day or anniversaries. Grateful, yes, but those gifts weren't quite the tree that I longed for. In these past couple of months, I've felt like I was riding on the coat tails of life. Going where I had to be, wherever commitments took me, but I really haven't had a chance to breathe. All you moms know what I'm talking about: those end of the school year recitals, recoginition ceremonies, field trips, field days, church sacramental years.......the list goes on and on. Every time I would see a familiar mom, the fatigue of it all resonated. Don't let me sound ungrateful for those moments, but I felt as though I wasn't able to think about her as much, and that was making me crabby. I knew this of myself, and these days lately, I have felt like I had no control. This month, in addition to all those events were other bittersweet holidays......... there would be Mother's Day, my sister's wedding anniversary and on Tuesday, her birthday. She would have been 43 years old on May 24th had her body survived the cancer. It just so happens, her Frankie is also having a graduation ceremony from elementary school on that very day. The emotional toll, while some of it full of celebrations, is also an emotional sword that pierces the heart.
For those of us who grieve, you know that each day, each week, each month, each year doesn't lessen the pain. In fact, as time goes on, the pain intensifies because the lack of her presence in real life, real living is non-existent. We are still trying to find our way without her, and it's still awkward. Oh yes, we laugh, we smile, we find the blessings of those still here and the tears are held back or kept in private mostly, but sometimes they aren't, atleast for me. The other day, I was talking to my neice about the emotional pain her children felt on Mother's Day, their tears, their awkwardness when others at school were making gifts for their mother, what did they do? Their school was sensitive to their needs, but it's still a door that has to be walked through, each and every year. I know this because I felt it, too, after my mom passed, and I was 22 years old, and my dad passed when I was in elementary school. I can only imagine what goes through Maria and Frankie's mind. I can only imagine.......and then I cry for their loss.
One of my New Year's Resolutions was to question God less, and I've been successful some of the time, and still faultering when it comes to my sister's death. I hear of other losses of young people, too young to die, and I am weak, I question it. Why does a young child have to bear this burden......the loss of a parent? Why does a parent have bear the loss of their young child? I don't understand, and I never will. I have come to the conclusion that God knows this of me. For now, that's all I can say about that.
But back to the tree. One of the blessings of this Mother's Day was when Marty gave me a Mother's Day Card while I was in my bedroom, sitting in my comfy chair. He said to look outside, and there below my bedroom window was the Japanese Maple Tree. What he didn't know is that I longed to have one in remembrance of my sister. In my mind, it was a memory of my childhood, a memory of my sister, our home, our family. I didn't want something far away in a park somewhere; I needed to have it near me, something tangible that I could see everyday as I set off in the grips of life. So there you have it......a childhood memory.......a reminder of life.......love.......my Chrissy Tree.
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