This year has been a year of pain, spiritual struggles, learning, growth, some joy and rebirth, thus my entry entitled "Second Firsts." I didn't create this name, but I borrowed it from a site that I often read that has to do with living and starting new after grief. Grief is always there within us for those who have lost, but it is learning to go beyond our loss that is so very challenging. If you asked where I was emotionally this time last year, I would say empty and without joy. Oh yes, I functioned and did what I needed to do, but I didn't know where I wanted to be. I didn't know my purpose, I didn't feel anything other than the pain of not having my sister here with me, I didn't understand the world anymore. I wondered if I ever did.
When your loved one dies, whether it be a spouse, a sibling, a parent, a grandparent, a dear friend, a child; they all have their own journey and pain. The similarity, though, is living life without them as they once were. I questioned God's plan, and to me it didn't make any sense at all. Of course, we all die, but why did she have to leave her children at this age? It all seemed unfair. While the world went on with their routines and plans; mine were all changed. Why were all my plans and dreams taken away? Why were the children left without a mother, here to take care of them, and do all the motherly things that they deserve? I couldn't go on living life as I once was because my sister, Chrissy, was a huge part of my life. We spoke everyday, we saw each other weekly, some weeks everyday. Our children's lives intertwined as well as our husbands. We had our challenges as a family, but we depended on each other in many ways. Those simple conversations and words of wisdom are not there, the shopping trips don't happen, the simple pleasure of sharing our kids' stories don't happen, our fears and joys aren't shared, outings with our kids are without her, planning family events are minus one. That minus one is now so different.
I think of the character, George Bailey, from the movie "It's a Wonderful Life", and I understand how one person's life has so much meaning to the rest of the world. My sister, my parents, my grandparents influenced my life in so many ways, and death brought about pain for me but also knowing. I suppose I came to point in my life last year where I was yearning for understanding. My journey last year was trying to understand my purpose, Chrissy's purpose, and the purpose of all sorts of familar friends and family. What was their purpose in my life? This passed year I have engulfed myself in much reflection, prayer and meditation. Last year, I knew I had to get out of my house more, hesitantly accepting a part-time job, requesting spiritual guidance through our church, weeding through my heart's desires and the healing has slowly but surely been happening. I make sure as I wake everyday to give thanks for all the blessings in my life, and finding peace throughout my day by making time for quiet meditation. As well as giving thanks for my blessings, I have made a conscious effort to stay true to myself and not do what is for everyone else. I can't live by the standards of anyone elses. I may not answer a phone or attend a gathering, but I know what I am able to do and what I'm not. It may offend or upset a friend or family member, but God knows what it is in my heart and what my spirit is capable of dealing with. These days I experience joy, contentment with life, gratefulness for those who understand me, forgiveness for those people who do not, and I give thanks to our angels and Higher Power.
These days my second firsts are watching Eric beginning high school, attending his marching band where he is playing percussion, watching Luke and Faith begin their new year with new teachers and watching them grow in their musical abilities and new adventures, babysitting for a toddler again who brightens my soul with his smile. These days I give thanks for my husband and his new job in Human Resources as he experiences great satisfaction with his new responsibilities. Nowadays I enjoy my second firsts in enjoying the nature that surrounds, baking at my leisure, making new friends who come into my life, welcoming new events that come our way. Sometimes I watch Maria and Frankie, sometimes while still difficult, they are making ground. Maria is a third grader and Frankie began middle school this year. The early hours are definitely grueling on Frank and Frankie, but the second firsts are are a beginning.......a beginning of new life. I look forward to the love and joy that God brings into my life. While some moments are still a remembrance of what was; I now look everyday for the second firsts. My soul is still on a journey......a journey through this life.......a journey for new beginnings.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
The Smile
Growing up in my neighborhood or going to family gatherings, a comment I often heard was, "Oh, what a beautiful smile you have." Even as I grew up, crooked teeth and all, having braces, people still said that to me. When I would be tearing up through the painstaking brace experience, extreme pain engulfing every fiber of my mouth, feeling ugly because of all the silver and extra gadgets in my mouth; I would often be comforted by my mom who would say, "Barbie, one day, you will have the most beautiful smile. Get through this, and it will all be worth it."
God I loved my mom so very much! She had her faults like any other mom or human being, but one thing that never failed was that she loved us kids to her very last breath, and I always felt that. True unconditional love is a precious commodity these days, and after talking with many a friend who didn't feel that way in their families, especially from their own parents, I feel so blessed! No one loved me more than my mom, except for God, and I can say without a doubt that she would have died for me. What a gift she was and is in my life!
Some of us use smiling when we're happy, content, using sarcasm, being manipulative or feeling uncomfortable. Perhaps there's other emotions connected with smiling, and I would venture to say that smiling was sort of a protection for me. When I was misbehaving or wanted something from my parents or teachers, I wouldn't hesitate bringing out that smile, sometimes adding a slight tilt of the head to make it even more effective. Over time, it's become a part of me in all sorts of situations, and I've learned that smiling pleases people. It's not a matter of getting what I want anymore, but it's effective in living a happy life. I think slapping on a smile calms people, and I would rather smile than wear a sour puss on my face all the time. Who wants to be around that? My smile wasn't always intentional, but it just happened. All of us are given that smiling gift, and I suppose I've learned to use it. My parents taught me to be kind and nice to people, and the smile was a way to ease into any introduction. It doesn't really matter if you have teeth or lips either, a smile permeates through our tone of voice, through our tender eyes, through the heart.
Many years ago I happened to meet a certain "professional" when I was an interpreter. She unknowingly made the comment to a dear friend of mine that the person in her classroom last year smiled too much. I must also mention that this "professional" should have never become a teacher. She was rude, arrogant and lacked so much knowledge when it came to the teaching arena. As an interpreter, I had to bite my tongue as she was barely passable as a human being, much less a teacher. I suppose that's why I must have smiled so much in her classroom. As my Aunt Marie used to say, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." I would add a little more to that good advice, and say, "Smile, too, when you don't say anything!"
In all the spiritual and self-help books that I've read, they suggest that smiling not only helps the receiver but it also helps our own souls. There's definitely a chain reaction when someone smiles. Think about it. Of course, you want to be aware of your surroundings at all times, but in most situations a smile is the best gift you can give anyone. Last year sometime, I remember our parish priest talking about the gift of a smile. Perhaps we think that evangelizing about our faith in Christ has to do with knowing the Bible verses inside and out, but really that's not it at all. Our priest said that the best way you can bring someone closer to God is to share a smile. It doesn't mean that we go into a dark alley and smile at the rapist, but in everyday life let's try to smile at the grocery clerk, people at our schools, co-workers at our jobs, members of our church, our neighbors and so on. We don't always know what someone might be dealing with that day, and a smile could change their whole day......perhaps even change their lives.
As I travel this life's journey, I continue to ask many questions, but my number one question is this: "What is my purpose in life that will give glory to God?" Some days I wake with a smile, and some days it takes me a little longer to find that smile. As I continue to learn and grow, I will carry with me my smile. It's free and very effective in life. In all the turmoil that has rocked this nation lately, think of where this world might be if we all just smiled a bit more? Bare with me now, I'm feeling a bit nostalgic. I can't help but think of that song when I was a Brownie for one year, and then I quit (that's another story). If you were a Brownie, too, you'll remember it!
"I have something in my pocket, it belongs across my face. I keep it very close at hand in the most convenient place. I'm sure you couldn't guess it if you guessed a long long while. But I'll take it out and put it on, it's a great big Brownie SMILE."
Yikes it's time to go to bed!
God I loved my mom so very much! She had her faults like any other mom or human being, but one thing that never failed was that she loved us kids to her very last breath, and I always felt that. True unconditional love is a precious commodity these days, and after talking with many a friend who didn't feel that way in their families, especially from their own parents, I feel so blessed! No one loved me more than my mom, except for God, and I can say without a doubt that she would have died for me. What a gift she was and is in my life!
Some of us use smiling when we're happy, content, using sarcasm, being manipulative or feeling uncomfortable. Perhaps there's other emotions connected with smiling, and I would venture to say that smiling was sort of a protection for me. When I was misbehaving or wanted something from my parents or teachers, I wouldn't hesitate bringing out that smile, sometimes adding a slight tilt of the head to make it even more effective. Over time, it's become a part of me in all sorts of situations, and I've learned that smiling pleases people. It's not a matter of getting what I want anymore, but it's effective in living a happy life. I think slapping on a smile calms people, and I would rather smile than wear a sour puss on my face all the time. Who wants to be around that? My smile wasn't always intentional, but it just happened. All of us are given that smiling gift, and I suppose I've learned to use it. My parents taught me to be kind and nice to people, and the smile was a way to ease into any introduction. It doesn't really matter if you have teeth or lips either, a smile permeates through our tone of voice, through our tender eyes, through the heart.
Many years ago I happened to meet a certain "professional" when I was an interpreter. She unknowingly made the comment to a dear friend of mine that the person in her classroom last year smiled too much. I must also mention that this "professional" should have never become a teacher. She was rude, arrogant and lacked so much knowledge when it came to the teaching arena. As an interpreter, I had to bite my tongue as she was barely passable as a human being, much less a teacher. I suppose that's why I must have smiled so much in her classroom. As my Aunt Marie used to say, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." I would add a little more to that good advice, and say, "Smile, too, when you don't say anything!"
In all the spiritual and self-help books that I've read, they suggest that smiling not only helps the receiver but it also helps our own souls. There's definitely a chain reaction when someone smiles. Think about it. Of course, you want to be aware of your surroundings at all times, but in most situations a smile is the best gift you can give anyone. Last year sometime, I remember our parish priest talking about the gift of a smile. Perhaps we think that evangelizing about our faith in Christ has to do with knowing the Bible verses inside and out, but really that's not it at all. Our priest said that the best way you can bring someone closer to God is to share a smile. It doesn't mean that we go into a dark alley and smile at the rapist, but in everyday life let's try to smile at the grocery clerk, people at our schools, co-workers at our jobs, members of our church, our neighbors and so on. We don't always know what someone might be dealing with that day, and a smile could change their whole day......perhaps even change their lives.
As I travel this life's journey, I continue to ask many questions, but my number one question is this: "What is my purpose in life that will give glory to God?" Some days I wake with a smile, and some days it takes me a little longer to find that smile. As I continue to learn and grow, I will carry with me my smile. It's free and very effective in life. In all the turmoil that has rocked this nation lately, think of where this world might be if we all just smiled a bit more? Bare with me now, I'm feeling a bit nostalgic. I can't help but think of that song when I was a Brownie for one year, and then I quit (that's another story). If you were a Brownie, too, you'll remember it!
"I have something in my pocket, it belongs across my face. I keep it very close at hand in the most convenient place. I'm sure you couldn't guess it if you guessed a long long while. But I'll take it out and put it on, it's a great big Brownie SMILE."
Yikes it's time to go to bed!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Peace or Chaos.....Peace or Chaos???
It's been awhile since I've written for various reasons. Perhaps there hasn't been enough peace in my life.....more chaos. That is, more chaos around me, not within. Chaos of everyday life from activities with the kids, weddings, funerals, holidays, chatter.....so much chatter and noise. Some of the chaos can be good, while some of it clouds my mind. I prefer the peace of being and learning. The need for me to write has been overshadowed by other stuff.....the stuff of life, but I prefer the peace. Oh how I prefer the peace. Recently, I came to realize that peace is always within. It is there....within......but we have to take time in our lives to recognize it or the chaos can consume us. For many people the chaos is always center stage, but I can't live like that. Frankly, I can't breathe when I'm around the chaos. Ultimately, I try to wrap myself inside a shell, and I avoid it as much as possible. Others interpret that as hurtful or aloofness, but if they only understood. I am understanding, but the fast-paced world doesn't grasp that. Isn't that curious? All the drugs, pain killers and alcohol that are produced and taken daily in this country, and if we only realized that peace is there all along. That peace and love is there all along.
The weeks and months since Chrissy's passing have changed me. The moment she passed my old world didn't exist anymore.......my old way of thinking and living. A part of me died that early morning when her body died. I know without a doubt her spirit lives eternally, and it's so difficult for some of us to grasp that, especially in the intense pain of not seeing her in the flesh, but I know with all my heart.....she lives on. In the beginning of this journey when she was sick, I prayed so intently and begged for so much, not realizing the plan was already set. My hopes of her being here in the flesh were not meant to be, yet a far greater plan was in place. In the time that has passed, I've learned a great deal about myself. I long for peace, and in a world that screams chaos; it has beem challenging to find that peace......a peace that's always there and given. Ironic, isn't it? What happens, though, is that everyday life sometimes pushes us farther and farther from our true selves.....from God. That statement right there is what I can't seem to grasp. I have no problem setting up camp right here in my home, with my own peeps, but God doesn't want that for me, and I realize that. It's the setting foot out in the world that frightens me, especially when so much value is placed on financial success, career success, parental success.....a success which I think has become skewed. Society places so much value on careers, sports teams, beating everyone else to the punch that I think eternal love for human kind is becoming a joke. Look at all the chaos on our reality television. I ask myself what is this world will be like when my children grow up.
So rather than giving it lip service, I have made a conscious decision to find peace, stillness and pause daily so that perhaps it can become contagious within my own family. If my kids see it, then they'll pass it along and so on and so on........
Wouldn't that be great? If all of us stopped and really made daily conscious decisions in our life instead of going fast all the time, living in a fog, and doing what we think others expect of us. How sad for those that never stop. While they think they're doing God's work successfully; they're missing the boat. My hope is to live peacefully, and perhaps our world will live peacefully as well. It takes one person, doesn't it? Now imagine more. Peace or chaos? I know which one I prefer. Now can you figure out for yourselves where you are?
The weeks and months since Chrissy's passing have changed me. The moment she passed my old world didn't exist anymore.......my old way of thinking and living. A part of me died that early morning when her body died. I know without a doubt her spirit lives eternally, and it's so difficult for some of us to grasp that, especially in the intense pain of not seeing her in the flesh, but I know with all my heart.....she lives on. In the beginning of this journey when she was sick, I prayed so intently and begged for so much, not realizing the plan was already set. My hopes of her being here in the flesh were not meant to be, yet a far greater plan was in place. In the time that has passed, I've learned a great deal about myself. I long for peace, and in a world that screams chaos; it has beem challenging to find that peace......a peace that's always there and given. Ironic, isn't it? What happens, though, is that everyday life sometimes pushes us farther and farther from our true selves.....from God. That statement right there is what I can't seem to grasp. I have no problem setting up camp right here in my home, with my own peeps, but God doesn't want that for me, and I realize that. It's the setting foot out in the world that frightens me, especially when so much value is placed on financial success, career success, parental success.....a success which I think has become skewed. Society places so much value on careers, sports teams, beating everyone else to the punch that I think eternal love for human kind is becoming a joke. Look at all the chaos on our reality television. I ask myself what is this world will be like when my children grow up.
So rather than giving it lip service, I have made a conscious decision to find peace, stillness and pause daily so that perhaps it can become contagious within my own family. If my kids see it, then they'll pass it along and so on and so on........
Wouldn't that be great? If all of us stopped and really made daily conscious decisions in our life instead of going fast all the time, living in a fog, and doing what we think others expect of us. How sad for those that never stop. While they think they're doing God's work successfully; they're missing the boat. My hope is to live peacefully, and perhaps our world will live peacefully as well. It takes one person, doesn't it? Now imagine more. Peace or chaos? I know which one I prefer. Now can you figure out for yourselves where you are?
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Home Is Where the Heart Is
Our most recent summer family trip had to be the best trip ever, in terms of view, condo comfort, weather, new adventures and tasty food. I've been feeling disconnected for quite some time, and this trip was absolutely necessary for my soul. I suppose I'm trying to figure out where home is......where is my comfort? In my unsettled heart, I've been praying and hoping to feel alive again, to feel whole. I don't know if I'll ever feel that wholeness again. When a loved one dies, everything is different and finding peace lately felt more like a dream than a reality. I chartered new territories by parasailing with my son, Eric, on the mesmorizing ocean waters of Gulf Breeze, Florida. Guiding us in the boat were young, carefree, bleached blonde young men who didn't seem to have a care in the world. Except for figuring out where they would turn their boat as my body drifted across the skies and when to dip my feet in the warm ocean waters; nothing seemed pressing for them. What a trip that was as my legs dipped into the warm ocean waters......nothing like it! It was one of the most fantastic experiences of my life, and to do it with my oldest son was even better! To see the smile on his face was a gift in itself. As any loving mother knows, the happiness of our children is our number one priority. As we sped across the sparkling waters, our guide pretended as if the harness wasn't attached properly, and I laughed at the other passenger who sailed her way up frantically. My family along with another family traveled along in the speed boat as I screamed my way up when it was my turn. "What do I hold on to???" These were my last words as I waved goodbye to Marty and the other kids. In the warmth of the sunlight I viewed a magnificent piece of this world, and I couldn't help but thank God for what He created as I gripped the harness ever so tightly. Eventually I settled back, and that unsettled feeling left me for a while. Could this be home? Of course it was because I was sharing this experience with someone I loved. No worries engulfed me for that moment in time, and my son commented on what a great site this was......"Nothing like it, mom!"
I don't have a bucket list in my life. I never had one in the past nor will I have one for the future. I have set some goals, but in my life the goals have changed along the way with unforseen circumstances. Some people have "lists" in their life, but I don't. In this ever changing world I find the lists to be constantly changing, often becoming unreliable, often becoming only a wish. Often times in life, what you think will happen sometimes doesn't. It's fine to have dreams, but many of my dreams have already come true. I go with the flow, even with the daily routines and schedules of my life, but that doesn't always jive in real life, does it? I don't like to plan too far ahead. Yes, I have hopes and dreams for my kids and me, but I try to live each day by experiencing the moment and opportunities at hand today. I believe that we are presented with choices everyday, we make the best of them, search for our purpose and hopefully find the joys in all that we do. I believe in life and have learned that my happiness is right here in front of me. Marty, my kids, my family, and God are right here in front of me. I don't have to look for them in the oceans, in bucket lists of life or even in other people. All along happiness is where I am as long as I make it that way. Home or "comfort" is where I am with people I love and who loves me.
Many people go through life existing but not noticing all that's around them. Others fail to notice what's happening in their kids' lives, their own relationships as well as what's happening with themselves. Some people do, do, do but they don't notice, notice, notice. On this lovely trip I smiled, yelled, laughed and even cried. Yes, crying is very okay, and I find it theraputic for the soul. I didn't whither away but I did feel life! While others might feel it's a detriment to cry and feel sad; I find that it's a necessary part of growth and healing of the spirit. I want to feel all the emotions of my life. Don't get me wrong. I would prefer not to feel the aching loss of my sister's presence, but in that loss, I want to feel the emotions and release them as well and figure out what to do with that......how to live with it. It will never go away. What I find complicated in everyday life is being around people who don't deal or they mask their true emotions. It takes up too much of my energy, and I don't want to put my energies into pretending. Why have I felt unsettled? Perhaps it's dealing with the day to day moments of life, living with the sorrows along with the joys, learning to live without my sister and also pretending for those who don't know what to say.
This trip was needed on so many levels, not only for me, but for my kids and Marty, too. We haven't taken a trip like this in about three years. Here in my second year of grieving Chrissy's passing, I've been feeling unsettled for many reasons and longing to see the vast ocean that brings peace and hope. Hope that Chrissy lives with Jesus and my parents, grandparents and so many others. Hope that I will reunite with her someday. In that enormous body of water, I wanted to feel God's presence and experience the peace that seems to have been missing in my life lately. Its fair to say that I continually search for improving myself, and I felt the nudge to journey to the oceans this year. Comforts of home can be felt anywhere as long as you're surrounded by love. The views do help, but I learned that home is where the heart is. This past week home was in Gulf Breeze, FL and perhaps one day my dream of living near the ocean will happen or not. It depends on life and what God has planned for me. Until then being surrounded by people I love is where I want to be. As the saying goes, "home is where the heart is".......and that's where home will be. Whether in the St. Louis area or in the balmy breezes of the ocean, I just want to be with my loved ones.
I don't have a bucket list in my life. I never had one in the past nor will I have one for the future. I have set some goals, but in my life the goals have changed along the way with unforseen circumstances. Some people have "lists" in their life, but I don't. In this ever changing world I find the lists to be constantly changing, often becoming unreliable, often becoming only a wish. Often times in life, what you think will happen sometimes doesn't. It's fine to have dreams, but many of my dreams have already come true. I go with the flow, even with the daily routines and schedules of my life, but that doesn't always jive in real life, does it? I don't like to plan too far ahead. Yes, I have hopes and dreams for my kids and me, but I try to live each day by experiencing the moment and opportunities at hand today. I believe that we are presented with choices everyday, we make the best of them, search for our purpose and hopefully find the joys in all that we do. I believe in life and have learned that my happiness is right here in front of me. Marty, my kids, my family, and God are right here in front of me. I don't have to look for them in the oceans, in bucket lists of life or even in other people. All along happiness is where I am as long as I make it that way. Home or "comfort" is where I am with people I love and who loves me.
Many people go through life existing but not noticing all that's around them. Others fail to notice what's happening in their kids' lives, their own relationships as well as what's happening with themselves. Some people do, do, do but they don't notice, notice, notice. On this lovely trip I smiled, yelled, laughed and even cried. Yes, crying is very okay, and I find it theraputic for the soul. I didn't whither away but I did feel life! While others might feel it's a detriment to cry and feel sad; I find that it's a necessary part of growth and healing of the spirit. I want to feel all the emotions of my life. Don't get me wrong. I would prefer not to feel the aching loss of my sister's presence, but in that loss, I want to feel the emotions and release them as well and figure out what to do with that......how to live with it. It will never go away. What I find complicated in everyday life is being around people who don't deal or they mask their true emotions. It takes up too much of my energy, and I don't want to put my energies into pretending. Why have I felt unsettled? Perhaps it's dealing with the day to day moments of life, living with the sorrows along with the joys, learning to live without my sister and also pretending for those who don't know what to say.
This trip was needed on so many levels, not only for me, but for my kids and Marty, too. We haven't taken a trip like this in about three years. Here in my second year of grieving Chrissy's passing, I've been feeling unsettled for many reasons and longing to see the vast ocean that brings peace and hope. Hope that Chrissy lives with Jesus and my parents, grandparents and so many others. Hope that I will reunite with her someday. In that enormous body of water, I wanted to feel God's presence and experience the peace that seems to have been missing in my life lately. Its fair to say that I continually search for improving myself, and I felt the nudge to journey to the oceans this year. Comforts of home can be felt anywhere as long as you're surrounded by love. The views do help, but I learned that home is where the heart is. This past week home was in Gulf Breeze, FL and perhaps one day my dream of living near the ocean will happen or not. It depends on life and what God has planned for me. Until then being surrounded by people I love is where I want to be. As the saying goes, "home is where the heart is".......and that's where home will be. Whether in the St. Louis area or in the balmy breezes of the ocean, I just want to be with my loved ones.
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