Like a punch in the gut, you never know it's coming and so the feelings of grief sneak upon you. You never know why at that moment, what provokes it or where it's going to happen or when that gutteral pain is going to reach up to the top of your throat. It almost seems like this invisible strangle has taken hold of your heart. Its claws grasp your most inner soul and the pain is felt like you can't catch your next breath. I remember when she told me it had metastisized to the liver, and I screamed out....I literally screamed out after I hung up the phone. I'm quite sure I frightened my little Faith as she stood at my locked bedroom door asking, "Mommy, mommy what's wrong??"
In these hustle and bustle days with my kids, the commencement of the school season with its homework, the deadlines, the school activities, sometimes the drama. I am stepping out and meeting new faces for the first time in almost 3 years. Yes, I say 3 years because I didn't want to talk with anyone about anything other than the journey of my sister and our family. How dare someone talk of trivial home purchases or mini dramas in their life. My sister was fighting for her life, and from that time up to now, more important aspects of life and living have taken presidence. I still can't relate to those who are consumed with the material, the busyness, the nonesense of everyday life. I have found a new tool in my life to deal with comments that seem "stupid". I don't like that word, but until I find a better word, that's what I'll use for now. I "meditate" and am discovering peace that's always been there inside....it's been given, but somehow in the turmoil that changed our lives so drastically, I lost it. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I have my "go tos" when I am angry or upset. You know who your are! Then I realize that God has given me the peace I need....it's there......and serenity is there to fill me up. I retreat to this quiet a few times a day, and it helps me deal with the craziness of others. Sometimes I feel like I can't find the time to retreat as I hear whispers of little ones or knocks on my bedroom door, but I make it happen. I realize now, if I don't make the time for me, eventually I will become weak and tired. Then I'm no good to anyone.
For some reason, lately I've been feeling that punch in the gut. It hit me out of the blue last night. Perhaps it's living the new school year, and wishing my sister was here for her kids as they face those new experiences, the new friends, the activities, their teachers, the growing pains of life. I remember the month of August during my school age years, feeling the anticipation of new classes, new friends and my mom seemed so happy.....hmmmm......so happy? I remember her chanting the school song, "School days, school days, reading and writing and rule days....." Could it be she had had her fill of us five kids in and out of her house all summer long? Now as a mother, I understand completely. But the pangs of grief have been more intense lately. Is it the newness of me meeting new people? That's never been comfortable for me: meeting new faces, learning new routines. Is it living new experiences, now actually conversing with mere strangers? I'm so wanting to share these feelings with my sissy. Perhaps everything's changing now, and it stirs up all sorts of emotions. I don't know? Then something's been happening...........the tap, tap, tapping on my pillow at strange times during the night.
A few weeks ago, I awakened sometime in the night hearing a tapping on my pillow. If either Marty or me happens to be snoring (not often with either one of us but mostly happens when we're over tired), we'll nudge or tap the other one to STOP IT! So when I awoke, I said, "Oh, was I snoring??" Marty then woke up and said, "What, what are you talking about? I didn't wake you!" I know what I know, and I felt the tapping. As I lay there, all I was thinking was.......was that HER? It could have been her, but why? Then it happened again at 4:30 in the morning one day and another tapping a couple of nights ago. I mentioned it to Marty again, and I think he thinks I'm going crazy. But for those of you who have dear ones who have passed, you know what I'm talking about. Those signs happen, and maybe.....just maybe she reaching out to me. Like a punch in the gut, it hits me that she's gone from this living life, and that's so difficult. I can't even begin to share all my thoughts about that. She isn't living this life here with me like I want, but perhaps she's tapping on my pillow, waking me up, telling me that she is living and I need to be living here. I've been so afraid of living here without her that she feels the need to keep tapping until I pay attention. Could that be? Although I've been feeling the punch in the gut; I long to feel the tapping, the tapping to tell me she's here.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Second Firsts
This year has been a year of pain, spiritual struggles, learning, growth, some joy and rebirth, thus my entry entitled "Second Firsts." I didn't create this name, but I borrowed it from a site that I often read that has to do with living and starting new after grief. Grief is always there within us for those who have lost, but it is learning to go beyond our loss that is so very challenging. If you asked where I was emotionally this time last year, I would say empty and without joy. Oh yes, I functioned and did what I needed to do, but I didn't know where I wanted to be. I didn't know my purpose, I didn't feel anything other than the pain of not having my sister here with me, I didn't understand the world anymore. I wondered if I ever did.
When your loved one dies, whether it be a spouse, a sibling, a parent, a grandparent, a dear friend, a child; they all have their own journey and pain. The similarity, though, is living life without them as they once were. I questioned God's plan, and to me it didn't make any sense at all. Of course, we all die, but why did she have to leave her children at this age? It all seemed unfair. While the world went on with their routines and plans; mine were all changed. Why were all my plans and dreams taken away? Why were the children left without a mother, here to take care of them, and do all the motherly things that they deserve? I couldn't go on living life as I once was because my sister, Chrissy, was a huge part of my life. We spoke everyday, we saw each other weekly, some weeks everyday. Our children's lives intertwined as well as our husbands. We had our challenges as a family, but we depended on each other in many ways. Those simple conversations and words of wisdom are not there, the shopping trips don't happen, the simple pleasure of sharing our kids' stories don't happen, our fears and joys aren't shared, outings with our kids are without her, planning family events are minus one. That minus one is now so different.
I think of the character, George Bailey, from the movie "It's a Wonderful Life", and I understand how one person's life has so much meaning to the rest of the world. My sister, my parents, my grandparents influenced my life in so many ways, and death brought about pain for me but also knowing. I suppose I came to point in my life last year where I was yearning for understanding. My journey last year was trying to understand my purpose, Chrissy's purpose, and the purpose of all sorts of familar friends and family. What was their purpose in my life? This passed year I have engulfed myself in much reflection, prayer and meditation. Last year, I knew I had to get out of my house more, hesitantly accepting a part-time job, requesting spiritual guidance through our church, weeding through my heart's desires and the healing has slowly but surely been happening. I make sure as I wake everyday to give thanks for all the blessings in my life, and finding peace throughout my day by making time for quiet meditation. As well as giving thanks for my blessings, I have made a conscious effort to stay true to myself and not do what is for everyone else. I can't live by the standards of anyone elses. I may not answer a phone or attend a gathering, but I know what I am able to do and what I'm not. It may offend or upset a friend or family member, but God knows what it is in my heart and what my spirit is capable of dealing with. These days I experience joy, contentment with life, gratefulness for those who understand me, forgiveness for those people who do not, and I give thanks to our angels and Higher Power.
These days my second firsts are watching Eric beginning high school, attending his marching band where he is playing percussion, watching Luke and Faith begin their new year with new teachers and watching them grow in their musical abilities and new adventures, babysitting for a toddler again who brightens my soul with his smile. These days I give thanks for my husband and his new job in Human Resources as he experiences great satisfaction with his new responsibilities. Nowadays I enjoy my second firsts in enjoying the nature that surrounds, baking at my leisure, making new friends who come into my life, welcoming new events that come our way. Sometimes I watch Maria and Frankie, sometimes while still difficult, they are making ground. Maria is a third grader and Frankie began middle school this year. The early hours are definitely grueling on Frank and Frankie, but the second firsts are are a beginning.......a beginning of new life. I look forward to the love and joy that God brings into my life. While some moments are still a remembrance of what was; I now look everyday for the second firsts. My soul is still on a journey......a journey through this life.......a journey for new beginnings.
When your loved one dies, whether it be a spouse, a sibling, a parent, a grandparent, a dear friend, a child; they all have their own journey and pain. The similarity, though, is living life without them as they once were. I questioned God's plan, and to me it didn't make any sense at all. Of course, we all die, but why did she have to leave her children at this age? It all seemed unfair. While the world went on with their routines and plans; mine were all changed. Why were all my plans and dreams taken away? Why were the children left without a mother, here to take care of them, and do all the motherly things that they deserve? I couldn't go on living life as I once was because my sister, Chrissy, was a huge part of my life. We spoke everyday, we saw each other weekly, some weeks everyday. Our children's lives intertwined as well as our husbands. We had our challenges as a family, but we depended on each other in many ways. Those simple conversations and words of wisdom are not there, the shopping trips don't happen, the simple pleasure of sharing our kids' stories don't happen, our fears and joys aren't shared, outings with our kids are without her, planning family events are minus one. That minus one is now so different.
I think of the character, George Bailey, from the movie "It's a Wonderful Life", and I understand how one person's life has so much meaning to the rest of the world. My sister, my parents, my grandparents influenced my life in so many ways, and death brought about pain for me but also knowing. I suppose I came to point in my life last year where I was yearning for understanding. My journey last year was trying to understand my purpose, Chrissy's purpose, and the purpose of all sorts of familar friends and family. What was their purpose in my life? This passed year I have engulfed myself in much reflection, prayer and meditation. Last year, I knew I had to get out of my house more, hesitantly accepting a part-time job, requesting spiritual guidance through our church, weeding through my heart's desires and the healing has slowly but surely been happening. I make sure as I wake everyday to give thanks for all the blessings in my life, and finding peace throughout my day by making time for quiet meditation. As well as giving thanks for my blessings, I have made a conscious effort to stay true to myself and not do what is for everyone else. I can't live by the standards of anyone elses. I may not answer a phone or attend a gathering, but I know what I am able to do and what I'm not. It may offend or upset a friend or family member, but God knows what it is in my heart and what my spirit is capable of dealing with. These days I experience joy, contentment with life, gratefulness for those who understand me, forgiveness for those people who do not, and I give thanks to our angels and Higher Power.
These days my second firsts are watching Eric beginning high school, attending his marching band where he is playing percussion, watching Luke and Faith begin their new year with new teachers and watching them grow in their musical abilities and new adventures, babysitting for a toddler again who brightens my soul with his smile. These days I give thanks for my husband and his new job in Human Resources as he experiences great satisfaction with his new responsibilities. Nowadays I enjoy my second firsts in enjoying the nature that surrounds, baking at my leisure, making new friends who come into my life, welcoming new events that come our way. Sometimes I watch Maria and Frankie, sometimes while still difficult, they are making ground. Maria is a third grader and Frankie began middle school this year. The early hours are definitely grueling on Frank and Frankie, but the second firsts are are a beginning.......a beginning of new life. I look forward to the love and joy that God brings into my life. While some moments are still a remembrance of what was; I now look everyday for the second firsts. My soul is still on a journey......a journey through this life.......a journey for new beginnings.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
The Smile
Growing up in my neighborhood or going to family gatherings, a comment I often heard was, "Oh, what a beautiful smile you have." Even as I grew up, crooked teeth and all, having braces, people still said that to me. When I would be tearing up through the painstaking brace experience, extreme pain engulfing every fiber of my mouth, feeling ugly because of all the silver and extra gadgets in my mouth; I would often be comforted by my mom who would say, "Barbie, one day, you will have the most beautiful smile. Get through this, and it will all be worth it."
God I loved my mom so very much! She had her faults like any other mom or human being, but one thing that never failed was that she loved us kids to her very last breath, and I always felt that. True unconditional love is a precious commodity these days, and after talking with many a friend who didn't feel that way in their families, especially from their own parents, I feel so blessed! No one loved me more than my mom, except for God, and I can say without a doubt that she would have died for me. What a gift she was and is in my life!
Some of us use smiling when we're happy, content, using sarcasm, being manipulative or feeling uncomfortable. Perhaps there's other emotions connected with smiling, and I would venture to say that smiling was sort of a protection for me. When I was misbehaving or wanted something from my parents or teachers, I wouldn't hesitate bringing out that smile, sometimes adding a slight tilt of the head to make it even more effective. Over time, it's become a part of me in all sorts of situations, and I've learned that smiling pleases people. It's not a matter of getting what I want anymore, but it's effective in living a happy life. I think slapping on a smile calms people, and I would rather smile than wear a sour puss on my face all the time. Who wants to be around that? My smile wasn't always intentional, but it just happened. All of us are given that smiling gift, and I suppose I've learned to use it. My parents taught me to be kind and nice to people, and the smile was a way to ease into any introduction. It doesn't really matter if you have teeth or lips either, a smile permeates through our tone of voice, through our tender eyes, through the heart.
Many years ago I happened to meet a certain "professional" when I was an interpreter. She unknowingly made the comment to a dear friend of mine that the person in her classroom last year smiled too much. I must also mention that this "professional" should have never become a teacher. She was rude, arrogant and lacked so much knowledge when it came to the teaching arena. As an interpreter, I had to bite my tongue as she was barely passable as a human being, much less a teacher. I suppose that's why I must have smiled so much in her classroom. As my Aunt Marie used to say, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." I would add a little more to that good advice, and say, "Smile, too, when you don't say anything!"
In all the spiritual and self-help books that I've read, they suggest that smiling not only helps the receiver but it also helps our own souls. There's definitely a chain reaction when someone smiles. Think about it. Of course, you want to be aware of your surroundings at all times, but in most situations a smile is the best gift you can give anyone. Last year sometime, I remember our parish priest talking about the gift of a smile. Perhaps we think that evangelizing about our faith in Christ has to do with knowing the Bible verses inside and out, but really that's not it at all. Our priest said that the best way you can bring someone closer to God is to share a smile. It doesn't mean that we go into a dark alley and smile at the rapist, but in everyday life let's try to smile at the grocery clerk, people at our schools, co-workers at our jobs, members of our church, our neighbors and so on. We don't always know what someone might be dealing with that day, and a smile could change their whole day......perhaps even change their lives.
As I travel this life's journey, I continue to ask many questions, but my number one question is this: "What is my purpose in life that will give glory to God?" Some days I wake with a smile, and some days it takes me a little longer to find that smile. As I continue to learn and grow, I will carry with me my smile. It's free and very effective in life. In all the turmoil that has rocked this nation lately, think of where this world might be if we all just smiled a bit more? Bare with me now, I'm feeling a bit nostalgic. I can't help but think of that song when I was a Brownie for one year, and then I quit (that's another story). If you were a Brownie, too, you'll remember it!
"I have something in my pocket, it belongs across my face. I keep it very close at hand in the most convenient place. I'm sure you couldn't guess it if you guessed a long long while. But I'll take it out and put it on, it's a great big Brownie SMILE."
Yikes it's time to go to bed!
God I loved my mom so very much! She had her faults like any other mom or human being, but one thing that never failed was that she loved us kids to her very last breath, and I always felt that. True unconditional love is a precious commodity these days, and after talking with many a friend who didn't feel that way in their families, especially from their own parents, I feel so blessed! No one loved me more than my mom, except for God, and I can say without a doubt that she would have died for me. What a gift she was and is in my life!
Some of us use smiling when we're happy, content, using sarcasm, being manipulative or feeling uncomfortable. Perhaps there's other emotions connected with smiling, and I would venture to say that smiling was sort of a protection for me. When I was misbehaving or wanted something from my parents or teachers, I wouldn't hesitate bringing out that smile, sometimes adding a slight tilt of the head to make it even more effective. Over time, it's become a part of me in all sorts of situations, and I've learned that smiling pleases people. It's not a matter of getting what I want anymore, but it's effective in living a happy life. I think slapping on a smile calms people, and I would rather smile than wear a sour puss on my face all the time. Who wants to be around that? My smile wasn't always intentional, but it just happened. All of us are given that smiling gift, and I suppose I've learned to use it. My parents taught me to be kind and nice to people, and the smile was a way to ease into any introduction. It doesn't really matter if you have teeth or lips either, a smile permeates through our tone of voice, through our tender eyes, through the heart.
Many years ago I happened to meet a certain "professional" when I was an interpreter. She unknowingly made the comment to a dear friend of mine that the person in her classroom last year smiled too much. I must also mention that this "professional" should have never become a teacher. She was rude, arrogant and lacked so much knowledge when it came to the teaching arena. As an interpreter, I had to bite my tongue as she was barely passable as a human being, much less a teacher. I suppose that's why I must have smiled so much in her classroom. As my Aunt Marie used to say, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." I would add a little more to that good advice, and say, "Smile, too, when you don't say anything!"
In all the spiritual and self-help books that I've read, they suggest that smiling not only helps the receiver but it also helps our own souls. There's definitely a chain reaction when someone smiles. Think about it. Of course, you want to be aware of your surroundings at all times, but in most situations a smile is the best gift you can give anyone. Last year sometime, I remember our parish priest talking about the gift of a smile. Perhaps we think that evangelizing about our faith in Christ has to do with knowing the Bible verses inside and out, but really that's not it at all. Our priest said that the best way you can bring someone closer to God is to share a smile. It doesn't mean that we go into a dark alley and smile at the rapist, but in everyday life let's try to smile at the grocery clerk, people at our schools, co-workers at our jobs, members of our church, our neighbors and so on. We don't always know what someone might be dealing with that day, and a smile could change their whole day......perhaps even change their lives.
As I travel this life's journey, I continue to ask many questions, but my number one question is this: "What is my purpose in life that will give glory to God?" Some days I wake with a smile, and some days it takes me a little longer to find that smile. As I continue to learn and grow, I will carry with me my smile. It's free and very effective in life. In all the turmoil that has rocked this nation lately, think of where this world might be if we all just smiled a bit more? Bare with me now, I'm feeling a bit nostalgic. I can't help but think of that song when I was a Brownie for one year, and then I quit (that's another story). If you were a Brownie, too, you'll remember it!
"I have something in my pocket, it belongs across my face. I keep it very close at hand in the most convenient place. I'm sure you couldn't guess it if you guessed a long long while. But I'll take it out and put it on, it's a great big Brownie SMILE."
Yikes it's time to go to bed!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Peace or Chaos.....Peace or Chaos???
It's been awhile since I've written for various reasons. Perhaps there hasn't been enough peace in my life.....more chaos. That is, more chaos around me, not within. Chaos of everyday life from activities with the kids, weddings, funerals, holidays, chatter.....so much chatter and noise. Some of the chaos can be good, while some of it clouds my mind. I prefer the peace of being and learning. The need for me to write has been overshadowed by other stuff.....the stuff of life, but I prefer the peace. Oh how I prefer the peace. Recently, I came to realize that peace is always within. It is there....within......but we have to take time in our lives to recognize it or the chaos can consume us. For many people the chaos is always center stage, but I can't live like that. Frankly, I can't breathe when I'm around the chaos. Ultimately, I try to wrap myself inside a shell, and I avoid it as much as possible. Others interpret that as hurtful or aloofness, but if they only understood. I am understanding, but the fast-paced world doesn't grasp that. Isn't that curious? All the drugs, pain killers and alcohol that are produced and taken daily in this country, and if we only realized that peace is there all along. That peace and love is there all along.
The weeks and months since Chrissy's passing have changed me. The moment she passed my old world didn't exist anymore.......my old way of thinking and living. A part of me died that early morning when her body died. I know without a doubt her spirit lives eternally, and it's so difficult for some of us to grasp that, especially in the intense pain of not seeing her in the flesh, but I know with all my heart.....she lives on. In the beginning of this journey when she was sick, I prayed so intently and begged for so much, not realizing the plan was already set. My hopes of her being here in the flesh were not meant to be, yet a far greater plan was in place. In the time that has passed, I've learned a great deal about myself. I long for peace, and in a world that screams chaos; it has beem challenging to find that peace......a peace that's always there and given. Ironic, isn't it? What happens, though, is that everyday life sometimes pushes us farther and farther from our true selves.....from God. That statement right there is what I can't seem to grasp. I have no problem setting up camp right here in my home, with my own peeps, but God doesn't want that for me, and I realize that. It's the setting foot out in the world that frightens me, especially when so much value is placed on financial success, career success, parental success.....a success which I think has become skewed. Society places so much value on careers, sports teams, beating everyone else to the punch that I think eternal love for human kind is becoming a joke. Look at all the chaos on our reality television. I ask myself what is this world will be like when my children grow up.
So rather than giving it lip service, I have made a conscious decision to find peace, stillness and pause daily so that perhaps it can become contagious within my own family. If my kids see it, then they'll pass it along and so on and so on........
Wouldn't that be great? If all of us stopped and really made daily conscious decisions in our life instead of going fast all the time, living in a fog, and doing what we think others expect of us. How sad for those that never stop. While they think they're doing God's work successfully; they're missing the boat. My hope is to live peacefully, and perhaps our world will live peacefully as well. It takes one person, doesn't it? Now imagine more. Peace or chaos? I know which one I prefer. Now can you figure out for yourselves where you are?
The weeks and months since Chrissy's passing have changed me. The moment she passed my old world didn't exist anymore.......my old way of thinking and living. A part of me died that early morning when her body died. I know without a doubt her spirit lives eternally, and it's so difficult for some of us to grasp that, especially in the intense pain of not seeing her in the flesh, but I know with all my heart.....she lives on. In the beginning of this journey when she was sick, I prayed so intently and begged for so much, not realizing the plan was already set. My hopes of her being here in the flesh were not meant to be, yet a far greater plan was in place. In the time that has passed, I've learned a great deal about myself. I long for peace, and in a world that screams chaos; it has beem challenging to find that peace......a peace that's always there and given. Ironic, isn't it? What happens, though, is that everyday life sometimes pushes us farther and farther from our true selves.....from God. That statement right there is what I can't seem to grasp. I have no problem setting up camp right here in my home, with my own peeps, but God doesn't want that for me, and I realize that. It's the setting foot out in the world that frightens me, especially when so much value is placed on financial success, career success, parental success.....a success which I think has become skewed. Society places so much value on careers, sports teams, beating everyone else to the punch that I think eternal love for human kind is becoming a joke. Look at all the chaos on our reality television. I ask myself what is this world will be like when my children grow up.
So rather than giving it lip service, I have made a conscious decision to find peace, stillness and pause daily so that perhaps it can become contagious within my own family. If my kids see it, then they'll pass it along and so on and so on........
Wouldn't that be great? If all of us stopped and really made daily conscious decisions in our life instead of going fast all the time, living in a fog, and doing what we think others expect of us. How sad for those that never stop. While they think they're doing God's work successfully; they're missing the boat. My hope is to live peacefully, and perhaps our world will live peacefully as well. It takes one person, doesn't it? Now imagine more. Peace or chaos? I know which one I prefer. Now can you figure out for yourselves where you are?
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