Her Birthday

It's so difficult to wait for arrivals, destinations and answers.  Today, flowers in our front yard bloomed in full.......we were waiting and wondering if they were ever going to show their beautiful colors.  Only yesterday, Eric and I were talking whether or not it would happen because it seemed like in years past, they had bloomed much earlier.  Perhaps the rains and cold weather from last week kept them at bay.....only God knows.  Today is my sister's birthday.  What a gift it was when I pulled out of my driveway to bring Faith to school, and there they were, gorgeous yellows and purples opening their buds, showing new life, new hope.  This year, there will be all sorts of firsts, new beginnings without Chrissy's physical presence.  Our first Christmas......Valentine's Day......Mother's Day........ their wedding anniversary.....the family BBQ's and birthdays.......Frankie and Maria's days of firsts...........and today......her birthday.  She would have been forty-two......forty-two.......it doesn't seem real, but it is.  So young, so very young from where I see it.  So much to live for, but it was not meant to be.  This day she shares her birthday with her soul sister, Shelly, her May 24th twin.   Her childhood buddy, Shelly, has walked this journey with her, without a blink of an eye, staying the course and is still  here walking the journey with us.  This day I know we are all aching and grieving for her presence.....if only to say one more time how much we love her.  That is always a wish, to see their face, hear their voice, embrace their bodies one more time.  Even once we get through the firsts, there are always the seconds and thirds and so forth.  The ache in your gut doesn't change, but at some point you realize you can tolerate the ache.  We don't always want to because something in our hearts tell us that if we can tolerate it, live through it; then we somehow don't feel the pain anymore, but we do.  If we  get through this day, does that mean we don't miss her anymore?  We are learning to live the new way, the new life, not always liking it or accepting it, but somehow we will.  We will make it, but in disbelief, sometimes with sorrowful tears,  awkwardness, and also envy of others who still have their own.  Laughter will happen........yes, there is laughter, but the ache is always there.  One day, we might laugh on this day, her birthday, one day we will.  There exists this troublesome feeling that no one talks about....it's present....we all know it, but we try to move through the motions, make new memories, if not for ourselves,  for her kids....for our kids.  Allowing them to feel joy and hope for all of life's splendors; we have to make that real for them.  They have a long life ahead of them with joys and disappointments, and these firsts hit us all hard, especially her kids.  They are resiliant, but they have a heart and a mind and a gut, just as we do.  Whether they express it right now or not, they feel the deep sadness, and it is us who must get them through it.

For me, getting through it this weekend meant that we were able to plant our vegetable garden, doing some much needed yard work, after all the St. Louis rain.  The time seemed right, planting seeds, not sure what will sprout, but we try.  Beginning new life after the dead of winter, the death of our sister, spring is inevitable, and now it's time.    Yesterday as I rambled about the house and our yard, seeing what needs to be finished next, I noticed it.   It was the "garden" sign that we have put in our vegetable garden these past few years which had been given to me by my sissy.  I was holding up okay so far, not sure what I had planned for the day of her birthday, to honor her, celebrate her.....whatever it is that you are supposed to do.   As Marty and I were winding down for the evening, relaxing  on our backyard hill,  ("hiding" from our kids) only then did it catch my eye......the garden sign she had given to us a few years back.  The colors were fading with a bit of rust, but it would be a permanent fixture in our garden of new life.  That ache that I was feeling was now more profound as ever.  Whatever Marty said in the next few minutes went right passed me.  My mind wandered in that moment as it became so evident, yet again, that she was not here.  I know she's here in spirit, but her physical presence was not here....and that is so painfully present in each day that I wake up.

As May approached, normally I would be planning the birthday week geared towards Chrissy, as we joked so often, her birthday lingered on for weeks.  There was usually the date out with Frank and/or friends, the family birthday dinner for mom and the kids, and perhaps a fun night out with the siblings and sometimes a lunch with just the two of us.  It went on and on and on...................the rest of the family would back me up on that one,  the birthday celebrations for Chrissy generally lasted a week or so.  In fact, only two years ago we celebrated her 40th birthday on a night which was more than a birthday celebration.

Along with her 40th birthday back in 2008, we also celebrated a pivotal cancer-free zone for her, rather cancer remission.  Anyone who knows the cancer journey realizes that you are never cancer free at a certain stage, but there is remission within the five year range.  Always hoping for a full recovery beyond that time.  This was a day for hope and partying for more reasons than one, as she made the announcement.  As she gathered the sisters into the public restroom of this Mediterranean style restaurant; we hustled  into the public bathroom because she wanted to share something with us.  My initial thought was that she had found another lump and wanted to show us, but as she pulled the rear of her pants down to her lower hip level with a grin on her face, I thought, "Oh no, here we go again, am I going to be forced to show my stuff again??   Remember the hospital incident with the breasts?  (If not, read back on my blog and find "Which Ones Do I Want?"   There it was, in plain sight for all to see located  on her lower hip/buttocks area, was the pink ribbon tattoo that symbolizes breast cancer.  I was in utter shock.  How could she follow through with this when she had such a fear of needles???  I think the only words that came out of my mouth were, "Wow, WOW, I can't believe it!"  As we all stared at the pink ribbon that she was so proud of, I couldn't help but be proud of her. She had overcome so many obstacles up to that point, physically and emotionally, how perfect was that to say to herself, "I have overcome...I have won, and I am not afraid of anything!"

On this bittersweet day, filled with so many perfect memories, I am constantly reminded of everything my sister gave me.  Our house is filled with tangible items that remind me of her:  the photographs, the niknaks, the cards and emails, items of clothing, toys given to my kids by her and even a crucifix she gave my Faith for her Baptism.  Feeling the awkardness and the gutwrenching emotions of the loss of my sister; thinking of that dark-haired, red-skinned baby back in May of "68, lying in a little sweet bassonet, I see the crucifix hanging in my daughter's room.  It is a beautiful black-wired metal frame crucifix with ivy and flowers intertwined  which reminds me of not only her death, but of her new life.  With all the whirlwind of emotions, I must remember her purpose, her new life.....a life she now lives with our Creator and the rest of my family who have passed on.  Her birthday carries on a whole new meaning.  Would I rather have her here celebrating with me.....without a doubt.  Does she deserve all the happiness that goes beyond our thinking?  Absolutely.  I'm not sure what lies ahead on this day; I'm only taking in the moment.  So on this day, my friend, with you still at my side, in a different form, Happy Birthday my sister friend.........Happy Birthday.  :0)  XXO

"I miss her more now than the day she passed on to her new life."