Her Pillowcase

Comforting reminders of our loved ones might be a special blanket, a piece of their clothing, a photo, one of their niknaks , jewelry or even a pillowcase.  For me, there are all sorts of tangible reminders of Chrissy, my parents, my grandparents, and one day I came upon the pillowcase that reminded me of my sister.  Some days I wonder if my sister knew before her time what was going to happen to her ......and perhaps I'm reading too much into it.  None of us knows for sure when that time will come, except our Father.  Only He knows the answers, and some days I pray that I can accept because I am human......and I tend to ask why?  I shouldn't question, but I do.    It is going to happen some day for all of us, but why so early for some; yet, others live into their nineties?   Shouldn't we question more why we were born rather than why we die?  If we questioned our purpose for existence, perhaps we would accomplish so much more, wouldn't we?  Sometimes I get a certain feeling about my own future and what God has planned for me.  It's that inner voice that surfaces when I've been praying about something in regard to my own life.   I imagine, but I can't say with certainty, but for me, items seem to surface when I'm calling for her or missing the smile on her face or the smiles of my loved ones who have passed on to their new life.  At times, it is a gutteral ache that's indescribable, feeling that every breath is like lifting a heavy boulder off your chest; yet, other times, when I feel her presence......I do feel a smile creeping at the ends of my mouth.  Then I know she's there, and I feel this awesome peace and comfort.  I don't always feel that way......but that my friends is the process of grief.  It's back and forth where ever our emotions flow.

A few weeks ago, I was getting ready for bed when I grabbed for a blanket in my cedar chest, and I felt this ever so familiar softness of the pillowcase my sister had made for all of us girls, the last Christmas we spent together.  As my fingers slid across the softness of the raised hearts, which by the way, I love heart shapes, it brought me back to remembering her smile as each one of us opened her treasure.  From my eyes, the heart shape represents a constant flow of love without an end, as love should be.  I always knew this particular blanket was there, but it dawned on me at that moment when and perhaps why she had given us those gifts.  Chrissy's teenage neighbor had given her one like this when she was sick, and it fit the length of her body so that she could bundle up inside this warm, soft protection.  Chrissy cherished that precious blanket pillowcase, and she commented on how thoughtful it was that her young neighbor would take the time to make this blanket.  It meant a great deal to her, and she would then pass on that love to us.

Well, what do you know. Chrissy, who wasn't very interested in crafts and sewing, decided to make each one of her sisters a different color pillowcase with raised hearts on it.  We were all thrilled at the time to receive something so warm and cute,  but it occurred to me what may have been going through her mind as she made them.  She had found her lump before Christmas, but didn't tell any of us until after the New Year.  This was the second time the cancer had returned, and I think she knew what this meant for her.  Prior to her death, we had encouraged her to make a video or write some letters, especially for her children, but to her, it seemed morbid.  She didn't want us mourning her by playing messages of her over and over.  She wasn't skilled at sewing, by no means, but our blankets turned out so beautifully.  That Christmas season I know she created those blankets with us in mind, to keep us warm and protected, to remind us of her constant presence in our lives. 

When I found this tangible gift tucked inside my cedar chest, I couldn't help but smile.  That blanket showed up at the perfect time, and again I am reminded of those signs that are ever present, but sometimes I miss.  As the West County Komen Walk approaches this Sunday, I will walk with Chrissy and the rest of my sisters, the daughters, the aunts, the cousins, the friends, the mothers and the grandmothers, those physically present and those who go before us, while listening to my favorite music, and it will be a time to remember.......remembering her walk, every step, the good with the bad, along with the countless other women.   We all have seen the blessings and the heartache that come with this walk.....the walk with cancer.  I continue to travel this emotional journey, feeling grateful for the love of my sister through all the tangible items that bring comfort, especially her pillowcase.

"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know whatcha gonna get"

            - Forest Gump's mama