Her First Birthday

Every first without your loved one in their physical sense is emotional to say the least.  So many memories of what was, what is and what is not to be.  We try to think only in this moment, right here in time, because the tremendous loss can literally knock you off your feet.  With that being said, though, I do stray off the path of my own advice, and that is when I find myself in trouble.  I've gone "deaf" in a noisy room when the words spoken seem so trivial and insignificant. It begins to sound like the movement of a train rumbling over the tracks.  I feel the rhythm of the voices, but the words permeate right through me.  Sometimes I want to scream out, "Do you know that my dearest friend, my little sister, a mother of two young children has died??!"   I suppose to the "talkers", what they have to say may seem important at the time, but I find myself impatient with much of today's conversations.....the phony drama that plays out and the superficial behavior from some people.  It's such a waste of time!  Perhaps that is why I choose my social events very carefully.  I tend to avoid familiar crowds if at all possible, but I will go if it's important for me to be there.  That may not make sense to some of you, but that's how I survive this.  I try to go where the familiar ones truly get it.  Most say that they get it, but honestly, only some do.  Getting it is opening your eyes to what's around you, empathizing, listening, seeing, holding on to what's important and being true to yourself without pretense.  Many go through life not really feeling; rather, they are going through the motions of life without recognizing what really IS.  I told Marty the other day that I am a loose cannon......I'm afraid that I might say something shocking to someone as my filter is down.  That is when I reach down deep, take a slow breath in and out and  focus on the moment at hand asking God to get me there.  Wherever there is.

Today, our little Miss Maria, Chrissy's baby girl celebrated her 8th birthday.......her first birthday without her mother.  No big family parties today, but later in October we will celebrate, sing and gather around my sister's precious little girl.  We'll smile, drink and be "merry", but our hearts will still ache without her presence......missing the direction of when to serve the food, where to open the presents and sharing the joy of this day with her daughter.  I say again, it is all different, and it will happen but awkwardly.  We'll get through but differently.  Words aren't enough to express the immense sadness I feel for both her children when I envision their lives in a new way, without the embrace of their mother.  I know how I felt when my mother passed on, and I was in my young twenties, but this little girl is only  8-years old.  How can this be?  There I go again questioning our higher power......one who knows more than me.  Who am I to question this?

The Corrao house was decorated with balloons and colorful writings, treasures layed out to greet her in the morning.  I'm sure many birthday messages were delivered throughout the day, and without a doubt she was surrounded by so much love and support, but it will never compare to her mother's touch.  Today I watched her play from afar on the school playground.....she didn't know I was there.  There in the midst of many second graders was a little girl, enjoying the company of her best friend, smiling; yet, I could sense her anguish as well.  In the glory of her day, those near to her can feel the longing.......the longing of a little girl to make that birthday wish that wasn't going to come true except in another life.  I waited for her to enter the cafeteria where we ate lunch together, and for a moment I saw a spark in her eyes, feeling utter joy, chosen as the special one in this large group of young people to be the center of attention.  We ate and talked of silly bands (colorful bracelets that are like decorative rubber bands) and she pointed to some playful houses pictured on her McDonald's Happy Meal box and she commented, "This is my favorite house, which one is yours?"  As I glanced at the one she pointed to, with a lump in my throat; I looked at her and answered, "That's Strawberry Shortcake's House......yes, that's my favorite, too.  Do you know why?" 

For those of you who remember, Strawberry Shortcake has been one of those sweet, girly characters who has been around for some thirty plus years.  She happened to be a favorite character of Chrissy's when she was a little girl.  I told Maria of this story and how her mother loved Strawberry Shortcake............ just as I told Chrissy I would do.  She didn't want me to idolize her with her children, but I must.  If I am to keep her memory alive, I must relay all those qualities about her mother along with all the mischievous ones as well.  They will all be said, over time, when the moment presents itself.   Maria has to know she had a mother, she was real, she had likes and dislikes and most importantly that her mother wished more than anything that she could still be here, in the sense that her children need her.

The day concluded with her attending a Cardinal's baseball game with her dad, Aunt Susie and Uncle Dave, eating nachos and buying a Build-A-Bear, which by the way, she named Chrissy.  She kissed her heart, made a wish and tucked it inside her precious little bear.  "It was a great day," she relayed to her loving Aunt Susie, "but it would be perfect if mom could be here, too."  More words were spoken that are not meant for this page, but as the saying goes, Only from the mouths of babes.  To learn, to grow, to journey for the truth; this soul will mature even through her first birthday.....September 17th.

Like entering a new country, it's going to feel strange