Whew, Help Me Lord!

This week began a new stepping stone in my life which was one of growth, uncertainty, excitement, fear and yes, still the grief.......it's always there.  Like many others who have traveled this journey with me; the emptiness is still felt in the deepest part of my gut.  Some days are doable;  yet, other days I beg God to help me through.....to focus on all the good that surrounds me.  This new turn in my journey.....beginning a new job.......was needed on so many different levels in my life.  Given my personality, though, I still question and pose all the "what ifs".  What if it's too challenging?  What if I can't juggle it in my schedule?  What if the children need me?  What if I experience one of those moments where I think about her?  What do I do then? 

Those little things that use to be of importance to me, really aren't anymore, but to some people they still are.  What if I look at them with disgust....with their careless, meaningless comments.  I don't have patience for some of those comments anymore.  What then?  Do I pretend?  Do I say what I'm really thinking?  No I won't because they just don't know.  I do not walk in their shoes just as they haven't walked in mine.  Nobody knows my story here.......here in this new school.  I told myself to take a deep breath, hold on and God would guide me.  He wants me here right now for His own purpose.  When I lay it out that way, then all my fears subside, and I put my all into it.  Last week I was hired as a classroom assistant in an elementary school within our school district.  It's location is within 7 minutes of our house, 15 hours a week and I am still able to run errands, volunteer in my own kids' schools and still bring home a few bucks.  How much sweeter could it get?  Of course, all you full-time working moms are saying, "Oh please, give me a break!  Try managing a family with 40 plus hours a week."  Well, I have to say, my sanity is more important to me, and I have my limits. 

For those of you who are able to make it work......kuddos to you!  Something tells me, though, that something has to give.  I suppose you weigh what's most important, and other things fall to the wayside.  I didn't and don't want that to happen with my own family.  Does something have to give in order for life to move......move forward......just move?  While so many others are grasping to find jobs these days; this opportunity was a God send.  To make the deal even sweeter, my position is directed towards student achievement in reading and writing.  For me, it's been one of the most fulfilling opportunities, other than being a mom, to watch student growth, seeing that light bulb go on.  Literature, reading and writing are one of my favorite subject areas of all time!  This week, I was given the chance to see how the world is moving outside of my own world, and I met some wonderful students along the way.  They put smiles on my face.  I look at what my family has been through these past few years.....with the waiting, the hopefulness, the disappointments, the struggles, the grief and the tears.  Watching my sissy through this ordeal has been one of the toughest struggles of my life.  As I figure where I go from here; I move with hesitation.  There's always this thing inside me that wonders if I can ever move on from here.  Of course, I know this family will never be the same.  How can we?  One of us isn't here.  A mother isn't here to take her children to school and attend all their beautiful plays and performances.  A mother is missing when it's time to read them a bedtime story or to kiss them good night.  A wife isn't cooking the daily meals and offering companionship to her Frank.  A sister isn't on the other end of the phone, laughing and talking into the night about all the things we use to talk about.  It's all different.  This week, still with butterflies in my gut, I ask God these questions: "Who is it that you want me to be?  What is Your plan for my life?

The question I still ask myself is this, "Am I leaving her behind in doing this?"   Am I leaving my sissy behind?  I feel as though I am, and there's a pang in my gut in all this movement.  Some might think that's crazy, but for those of you who have lost a loved one, you know what I mean, don't you?  These recent months, I tell myself  that if a job presented itself to me, then it was meant to be.  God must think I'm ready, even though I feel as though I'm not.  Marty can vouch for my apprehension in all this as it brought about some conflict between the two of us.  I compare it to this......like going to your Ob/Gyn.........nobody wants to do it or looks forward to it......but you must.  God knows we all need to go there, but none of us likes it, and we know it's for the best.  This week....this job.......was for the best.  I have met some people out of my circle of closeness, and perhaps one day it will feel totally comfortable.  It took so much effort, and all the people I met were extremely kind, supportive and energetic.  As I take new steps in a different direction, I take deep breaths and look to my Higher Power for guidance, looking for hope and strength in this new day.  A new day that perhaps will lead me to greater understanding and purpose. 

On this day, when so many people reminisce about their lost loved ones.....the ones who died in the 911 day of horror, I ask God this:  "Help us get through the madness."  For those who had a loved one die on this day nine years ago, I am so sorry for your loss.  Your lives changed in the blink of an eye.  Not only was it a loss for our country, but the world since then has been different.  I still believe we are all lost.....hopeful.....but lost.  My prayer today is to ask God to help us all make it through.  To my sister, I ask for your continued spiritual guidance to help me guide your children with their loss wherever it is needed.  I know you're still beside me.......

Help me know what to do, say and be in order to give You glory